Looking for feedback on my latest story

[UnpublishedEroticaWriter]

It is called Unrequited. I was trying to go for a more romantic short story. I'm hoping to get some feedback on that part. But mostly people just had issues with the epilogue. So I let people know I changed the ending. But now it sounds a bit repetitive. If this isn't romantic then it doesn't bold well for my sci-fi romance series. It can be found here for anyone feeling helpful. https://literotica.com/s/unrequited-14

 

[AlinaX]

Dialogue has to have a rhythm to work well.

Instead of:

"What's wrong? Are you OK? Did your boyfriend hurt you?" he asked both angry and concerned. He never cared for Hanna's taste in bad-boy boyfriends.

"If he touched a hair on your head I'm gonna put him in the hos--," he said, losing his cool when switching to big brother mode.

try reducing the redundant explanation:

"What's wrong? Are you OK? Did X hurt you?" Aiden had never cared for Hanna's taste in bad-boy boyfriends. "If he touched a hair on your head I'm gonna put him in the hos--"

ETA: You start from his POV, and suddenly we're hearing her thoughts, which is very confusing.

 

[UnpublishedEroticaWriter]

If I have to keep revising my story it will never end. There will always be something new to fix. If you think that is confusing you should read Royal Escorts. It starts with one woman's POV. Then a man's. Followed by another woman. Each POV reveals more of the story. Some of my stories are like that. With 'Devil is in the Details' you only hear the Succubus's thoughts. My highest-rated story with 38 favorites doesn't have any of that. It's an MFF so I'm guessing they are all (or mostly) from guys.

 

[lovecraft68]

If I have to keep revising my story it will never end. There will always be something new to fix. If you think that is confusing you should read Royal Escorts. It starts with one woman's POV. Then a man's. Followed by another woman. Each POV reveals more of the story. Some of my stories are like that. With 'Devil is in the Details' you only hear the Succubus's thoughts. My highest-rated story with 38 favorites doesn't have any of that. It's an MFF so I'm guessing they are all (or mostly) from guys.

I think you'd benefit from a traditional third person narrative style so you can head hop with less confusion.