looking for feedback on my "humor & satire" story

[BrownCuriousity]

It's a humor and satire story, its the beginning of a series and I just wanted an official critique if anyone could help me out...

The Hostile Hollywood Hottie

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=74687


I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Hotcappucino]

A very nice story. Your vocabulary is top-notch -- it's hard to find a story with such a rich usage of words.

Your descriptions are good, but I would avoid the trap that many erotic writers seem to fall into: using a bra size to indicate how large a person's breasts are (C cup, double D cup). I've never seen bra size used to describe anyone's breast size in mainstream works of fiction and it just sounds too tacky to me. There are many adjectives that can convey the idea without having to resort to bra size: ample, petite, large, overly-large, larger than normal, average, flat, small, etc. Using fruit to describe breast size is also not a good idea.

Your punctuation and grammar are a little sloppy at times and there are a few misspellings:

I lived on an industrial strip a stone throw's away from East L.A., or what my sister would like to call, "the ghetto".
I think using "liked" instead of "would like" is correct, because "would like" makes it sound like Mia can't currently call that area "the ghetto."

... or when she cant get same day reservations ...
should be:
... or when she can't get same day reservations ...

My "office" was inside a little glass partition in the northwestern section of my loft, which aside from the partition, was one huge room blonde wood floored, white walled room, split up by little sections of frosted glass that served to separate workspaces.
"behind" makes more sense than "inside" and the word "room" shows up twice; take out the first one and it reads better. Also your use of commas is slightly incorrect. Here's how I think it should look:
My "office" was behind a little glass partition in the northwestern section of my loft, which, aside from the partition, was one huge, blonde wood floored, white walled room split up into separate workspaces by sections of frosted glass.

"... renovated it to become more live able ..."
"liveable" is a single, compound word.

The way you punctuate dialog is slightly incorrect:
"This isn't a bad neighborhood." I said coolly ..."
"Umm...yeah." I said sarcastically.
You should use commas to separate quoted elements of a sentence from the non-quoted ones, not periods. So the sentences should be:
"This isn't a bad neighborhood," I said coolly ..."
"Umm...yeah," I said sarcastically.

And if someone is being addressed in dialog, you separate their name (or however they're being referred) using a comma:
"I just can't believe I did that Nia."
"You liked it Mia."
"Oh do you like it baby doll?"
should be:
"I just can't believe I did that, Nia."
"You liked it, Mia."
"Oh, do you like it, baby doll?"

"... she deposited her slender cappuccino flavored frame into my overstuffed leather couch ..."
I think "colored" would be a better word than "flavored."

"How gentile I was though everyone was getting freaky but me."
I'm not sure which word you were trying to use here (maybe genteel?) but it's certainly not gentile.

"...damn ear coke can thick."
I'm sure you meant "near," but I got a good chuckle out of it just the same.

I won't go over all of the errors; if you want, I'll PM you to let you know about others that I found (that is, if you're thinking about editing the story and re-submitting).

But the errors, while somewhat distracting, don't detract from what a good story this is. I can tell you've put a lot of work into it and it shows, especially with all of the background information that you developed. That background information helped add depth to Nia and gave me a better understanding of who she was. The black (or should I be politically correct and say "African American"?) female perspective was very fresh. Since I'm Asian, I've thought a little about writing a story from an Asian male perspective, but I'm not sure how interesting that would be (or how interesting I can make it) to a general audience.

All in all, a very good story and looking forward to others from you.

 

[BrownCuriousity]

re: feedback

Thank you so much for taking out the time to respond to me, this is all very helpful. I have to admit that I dont really proofread or obsess over my erotic writing, after a quick once over it still basically resembles the first draft. Anyway I'm gonna take these suggestions under consideration, and youre so right about the "breast size" thing.

Thank you so much. Do you have stories on here? I think you shoudl definitely write stories from your, or an "asian" perspective. The more diversity the better. People will be able to relate to the story if its a good one no matter who's perspective its written from.

Thanks.

B.C.