Looking for feedback on my first story

[JJ_Kennedy_Smith]

This is my first submission here on Lit but I haven't gotten any comments or feedback to help improve my writing/story. I know we are all about the reading and not so much about ratings and comments but as a writer I'm always looking to do it better.

http://www.literotica.com/s/teasing-6

It's a small piece of a longer story I've been working on and was hoping for some of your wisdom before I proofread/edit the whole thing together.

I appreciate any help you might offer.

 

[sr71plt]

It's hot enough as a single sex scene. It's not a story.

It probably wasn't a good idea to identify your editor unless you just didn't take a lot of the editorial advice given, because this wasn't well edited for punctuation. You misused commas to a distracting degree and you didn't punctuate dialogue correctly (stories have been rejected here for nothing worse than your dialogue punctuation.)

If you read the syndicated Pearls Before Swine cartoon this morning, you'll realize that publishing doesn't accept "alright" as a word. It should be "all right." Not many such gaffs otherwise that I found--not enough to disrupt the read for me. And using "alright" isn't a biggy--it just pops out to an editor (or should).

The writing is fine. Many are going to find the present tense belabored and distracting. I did. I often can go with present tense. Here I kept thinking it got in the way and was making me tired and anxious to get to the end--especially since there is no story there. Of course there might have been a story twist at the end. I was pretty numb by then.

There's certainly every reason to continue writing. Not that bad for a first effort. That said, nothing unusual or special about it at all in a story file as large as Literotica's. I think the current rating for it on your story page is generous enough. If you found it erotic, that's enough to have written it, of course.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

i'm not a fan of present tense either. something about it grates with me.

the comment by pilot about 'alright' struck me, too.

mebbe try and experiment with different POV and tense? hell, just experiment.

don't be disheartened, and don't give up. just write, put it up, and grow.

... watch out for the Loving Wives category though!

 

[sr71plt]

Don't get me wrong on the present tense. It can be OK with me--and sometimes I'll even write it. It just is risky on whether it does the trick on a given story. I just edited one in present tense that is totally a dream sequence. Pretty much has to be that way in a dream sequence as I'm pretty sure that dreams are present tense, immediate. Similarly, I swallowed a whole book in present tense once because the protagonist was a child with leukemia and the whole point was that there was no future for him and that his present was pretty dominant in what he had to say.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Don't get me wrong on the present tense. It can be OK with me--and sometimes I'll even write it. It just is risky on whether it does the trick on a given story. I just edited one in present tense that is totally a dream sequence. Pretty much has to be that way in a dream sequence as I'm pretty sure that dreams are present tense, immediate. Similarly, I swallowed a whole book in present tense once because the protagonist was a child with leukemia and the whole point was that there was no future for him and that his present was pretty dominant in what he had to say.

i blame jodi picoult.

 

[sr71plt]

i blame jodi piccoult.

Guess I don't have to put her(?) on my reading list.

 

[PennLady]

Yes, Jodi Picoult is a her and I can't quite bring myself to read her stuff. I think I got close to checking one out of the library.

Anyway, to the story at hand. I read most of it. The present tense didn't work well for me, and first-person present-tense stories are kind of a double whammy of things I don't like (generally speaking). And that led me to skimming.

I agree that the sex is fine, and the writing is fine as well. I just felt like there was nothing here for me to grab on to (ahem). The characters were so bland and undescribed that I couldn't get interested in them, even just from a voyeur standpoint. The OP says this part of a larger story, so perhaps there's development in store, but that doesn't help for this scene.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It does nothing for me but that's likely me not you.

Moments ago I was looking at 100s of photos of beautiful women, and tho I know theyre all wonderful just one of them captured my attention. So what does this say about opinions? Everyone has one.

Focus of the spelling and grammar and construction, and let your style bloom however it suits you.

 

[JJ_Kennedy_Smith]

Thanks for taking a look and thanks for helping me learn.
I'll be working on the rest before submitting.