Looking for feedback on my first story

[vangoh971]

Hi i'm looking for feedback on my first story. I posted it last week.

 

[KenJames]

Hi i'm looking for feedback on my first story. I posted it last week.

It would be good to provide a link to your story. Just bring the first page of the story up in your browser, copy the address and paste it into your post.

For everyone's convenience, here it is.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=107592

As for the story, it's not a bad start. You make most of the standard beginner's grammer and syntax errors, but I'll let someone else point those out. The last paragraph (the climax) should be broken into multiple paragraphs with more dialog. You could also stretch the masturbation scene out more. It cums and goes as quickly as . . . an 18-year-old boy.

The dialog on the computer is a nice touch.

All in all, C+.

 

[damppanties]

Thanks for the link Ken.


vangoh, I agree with Ken about the language errors. You should get your story edited before you post it. It helps.

It is a really short story. I'd have liked it to be longer... needs more detail to differentiate it from the hundreds of the same type of stories on here.

A good first effort. Keep writing.