Looking for feedback on my first story: Trauma

[VladPuptin]

The link is here or it is under celebrities.
https://www.literotica.com/s/trauma

There are more chapters. If the feedback is positive, I will post the others. Chapter 2 however is my least favorite and would get some massive editing before being published.

Thanks,
The President

 

[Areala-chan]

I like the premise of the story, (J-Law's gorgeous after all) but the grammar needs an editing pass.

For instance:

"Take the rest of the week off. You deserve it." He directed.

Dialogue only ends with a period inside the quotation marks when it concludes the sentence completely. And while "take the rest of the week off" is a directive, "you deserve it" is not. In this case, it should read:

"Take the rest of the week off," he directed. "You deserve it."

Another example:

"Deal. Although it appears I am a little under-dressed." she queried.

In addition to the period inside the quotation marks, 'queried' as a verb implies a question. Simply making a statement as Jen is doing here is not a query without that question mark.

Final suggestion, kill the little redundancies that crop up. Thinks like writing "she asked" after the dialogue preceding it ends with a question mark so we already know it's a question can be removed to improve the flow.

Lastly, and this is a purely personal note, the sex happens extremely fast, and ends before we've even had a chance to get hot under the collar. I know this is only chapter one, so it's OK if there's a bit of a warm-up period, but sex is sexier if you draw it out over more than just a handful of paragraphs.

Hope this helps!

*huggles*
Areala-chan

 

[VladPuptin]

As for the last statement, that was a concern for me after I wrote it. This story was actually a free writing project I did because of some writer's block I developed last year. I liked the premise of the story and I've kept adding to it over the last year. I'm now up to chapter 8, but a bit lost as to how to describe the scene I'm on.

The story is more focused on Steve's development and how it affects his relationship with Jennifer more than anything, but future sex scenes are longer and more detailed.

As for my grammar skills, excessive dialogue is a new thing for me. I work in law, so I write all day. That is also the reason this has taken over a year to write 100-some pages, last thing I want to do in my free time is read or write.

But I thank you for the constructive criticism. I will apply it to chapter 2, which requires major revisions before I would be happy publishing it. it's my least favorite chapter thus far.