Looking for feedback on my first incest story

[LucilleCF]

This is also the first red 'H' I've received for a new story on this site.

I was hoping readers and writers of the incest genre could share their thoughts. Personally I'm concerned I may have gone overboard with all the 'big brothers' I put in the sex scene, but I might be over-thinking it.

Thanks in advance.

Link to story.


P.S.

Also, I just noticed that there is a typo in my author's note. I'm crying.

 

[WritingwhatIlike]

Well. It's complicated.

I liked the interaction your MC had with his friend, it was good. Didn't seem forced, I could see people talking like that in real life.

The interaction with the girl...was back and forth. At first she was coming on too strong, then she wasn't, then she was, then she wasn't. Your MC got aggressive, then backed off as if he was never aggressive, then was right back into it.

He's super attractive, that is obvious, (because it's mentioned many times) but he doesn't feel it. So in my mind he should match that mindset the whole time, not flipflop. I get that when he got aggressive it was because he was 'frustrated' by her teasing, but it doesn't feel genuine to the insecure personality you've given him.

I liked the tit for tat in him given carte blanche in exchange for answers.

You've got a long game thought out here, which is good, I liked that bit, but it seems like the sex should match? Tease out the sex to match the story reveal tease?

Overall, I thought it was good, and was left wanting to know more after she left him in the park, so that was good.

 

[8letters]

To me, plausibility issues:
* 7-11 is famous for not hiring people named Nathan or Sam
* I've never been to a 7-11 close to Central Park, but I'd imagine it's mad busy at night. It being dead for a long period of time wasn't plausible to me
* For someone who's 21 and been on his own for three years, Nathan was surprisingly incapable of holding a conversation with a woman he found attractive
* He's checking out her ass as she walks while she's holding his hand. Normally when you hold hands, you walk side-by-side and can't see the others back end
* She comes on way too hard

Other issues:
* Nathan for the most part isn't a likeable character. Only once he started asserting himself with Isabelle did he become likeable
* There's no chemistry between Nathan and Isabelle. Her appeal to him is that she's got a great body. I would have much preferred them spend more time just getting to know each other
* There wasn't much appeal to my I/T kink as Nathan doesn't think he's related to Isabelle

 

[RoperTrace]

To me, plausibility issues:
* 7-11 is famous for not hiring people named Nathan or Sam
* I've never been to a 7-11 close to Central Park, but I'd imagine it's mad busy at night. It being dead for a long period of time wasn't plausible to me
* For someone who's 21 and been on his own for three years, Nathan was surprisingly incapable of holding a conversation with a woman he found attractive
* He's checking out her ass as she walks while she's holding his hand. Normally when you hold hands, you walk side-by-side and can't see the others back end
* She comes on way too hard

Other issues:
* Nathan for the most part isn't a likeable character. Only once he started asserting himself with Isabelle did he become likeable
* There's no chemistry between Nathan and Isabelle. Her appeal to him is that she's got a great body. I would have much preferred them spend more time just getting to know each other
* There wasn't much appeal to my I/T kink as Nathan doesn't think he's related to Isabelle

I also had some plausibility issues with the story. A great start, but the Central park stripping and sex didn't sound realistic. And I'd have respected the main character if he'd trusted his senses, and just shut her down when she was aggressive and talking down to him. Next, she's saying she loves him? It seems pretty obvious, that he's her real big brother, and doesn't know it yet.
Having said all that, most Lit readers will love it. For me, it felt like you were anxious to get to the sex, so readers won't be disappointed. And I get that from some of my comments, "where's the meat(sex)?"
I do think you're a good story teller, and write pretty well.

 

[lilshymynx]

edited

 

[LucilleCF]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'll take it all into consideration.

Except the thing about 7-11 not hiring people named 'Nathan' or 'Sam', which I assume was a joke.

 

[8letters]

Except the thing about 7-11 not hiring people named 'Nathan' or 'Sam', which I assume was a joke.

It wasn't a joke.

I'm working to include non-white characters into my stories, to make the universe of my stories more reflective of the real life universe. AwkwardMD has brought up in her story reviews that in too many LitE stories all of the characters are written as white. At the 7-11 in your story in downtown New York City, apparently only whites work there and their only customer is white. I'm suggesting adding some diversity to your story as 7-11's are, in my experience, quite diverse.

 

[lovecraft68]

It wasn't a joke.

I'm working to include non-white characters into my stories, to make the universe of my stories more reflective of the real life universe. AwkwardMD has brought up in her story reviews that in too many LitE stories all of the characters are written as white. At the 7-11 in your story in downtown New York City, apparently only whites work there and their only customer is white. I'm suggesting adding some diversity to your story as 7-11's are, in my experience, quite diverse.

Oh, look more pandering phony woke BS.

Here's one for you....the people who work at 7/11 and gas stations and other marts are almost always portrayed as middle eastern, kind of racist, don't you think? But you're going to go with it, trying to cram in the almighty "diversity" into a story and by doing so fall directly into a racist trope.

Do yourself a favor, leave AMD's political posturing and judgmental hate of everyone but herself and her clique of suck ups out of your writing, you'll be far better off for it.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'll take it all into consideration.

Except the thing about 7-11 not hiring people named 'Nathan' or 'Sam', which I assume was a joke.

Name your characters whatever you want to name them. Its your story, that is a totally irrelevant criticism from someone who's new schtick is to try and look preachy.

You do you.

Not everyone who reads a story is racially profiling it. Just a special breed of the self righteous.

 

[lovecraft68]

Gave it a read, Ill keep my comments related to the story and not personal preference or agenda, which more people need to do.

My first take is the fact this is a role play and not true incest is going to hurt you. I saw a comment where a person said it belonged in erotic couplings, and they may be right, but...incest really squicks a lot of people so you may have been better off here anyway, but you will catch some flack.

Your writing is pretty good in the story telling sense, you have flow, your dialogue for the most part comes across as natural. At first I thought Isabella's speaking was kind of off, too formal here and there, and too out there on other occasions, but then I felt that it helped capture the fact she's pretty eccentric.

You do need to watch your grammar with dialogue tags and you were missing some commas, not enough to ruin the story, but you can use some work or an extra pair of eyes.

The sex was fine, the set up was good, she was quirky and weird enough to keep me interested, and his frustration and yoyoing between wanting her and wanting to walk away was natural.

The end was an interesting twist.

I think this has potential, but again, I wonder about its success with no real taboo element....or is this story going to jump categories as it moves along? I could see that working.

All in all a good effort.

 

[LucilleCF]

Gave it a read, Ill keep my comments related to the story and not personal preference or agenda, which more people need to do.

My first take is the fact this is a role play and not true incest is going to hurt you. I saw a comment where a person said it belonged in erotic couplings, and they may be right, but...incest really squicks a lot of people so you may have been better off here anyway, but you will catch some flack.

Your writing is pretty good in the story telling sense, you have flow, your dialogue for the most part comes across as natural. At first I thought Isabella's speaking was kind of off, too formal here and there, and too out there on other occasions, but then I felt that it helped capture the fact she's pretty eccentric.

You do need to watch your grammar with dialogue tags and you were missing some commas, not enough to ruin the story, but you can use some work or an extra pair of eyes.

The sex was fine, the set up was good, she was quirky and weird enough to keep me interested, and his frustration and yoyoing between wanting her and wanting to walk away was natural.

The end was an interesting twist.

I think this has potential, but again, I wonder about its success with no real taboo element....or is this story going to jump categories as it moves along? I could see that working.

All in all a good effort.

I'm kind of surprised that there are people who didn't catch on to the fact that, yes, Nathan and Isabelle are brother and sister. The role play was just an excuse Isabelle was using to keep Nathan in the dark about it.

I even put it in the description:

'Isabelle knows Nathan is her brother, but she isn't telling.'

But I guess I can see where some people might have missed that.

Thanks for your feedback. Hopefully, I'll continue to improve.

 

[AwkwardMD]

.Do yourself a favor, leave AMD's political posturing and judgmental hate of everyone but herself and her clique of suck ups out of your writing, you'll be far better off for it.

Keep my name out of your mouth. You intentionally misrepresent me to make yourself sound like some kind of maverick badass who doesn't play by the rules, but it's transparent and it's petty. And kind of pathetic.

 

[dmallord]

Writer Feedback

Okay. I changed my mind after I wound up back here somehow. I am leaving a comment after all. Given what I now just saw in some other remarks.

Your story is wonderful, as I commented in your rating. I gave it a 5. You are very thorough and the storyline was very captivating.

I caught your remark about clearly pointing out in your intro that brother had no idea his knowledgable sister was playing him for a yet to be discovered reason. My guess is that those mentioning this was not incest and just role play only speed to the end and forgot that your 'heads up remark' was in the beginning. A remedy might be to EDIT your story and add some foreshadowing element that gives readers an idea that Nathan WILL discover it soon ... ipso facto it falls truly into Incest/Taboo as you chose to place the storyline even though one of the characters is not aware of it.

[Even if one or both participating parties is unaware of their true blood relationship that doesn't mean its not incest and called 'sexual congress by unknowing persons' or by another term. Although it would seem wise to make that relationship abundantly clear and some of the more experienced writers have mentioned]

If you are unaware of the ability to edit, as I used to be, you can resubmit your story with the same title and add EDIT in all caps to the end of the same exact title. Then put a note below that you are just making minor changes. It will be reposted for you. Laurel or whomever does that makes the change. It doesn't affect your current scores, comments, etc That all stays with the story. The key is make sure EDIT is in the title. I've done two changes in stories and it just takes a few extra days to make its way through channels. [lower priority than new posts but it gets there]

From the contentious remarks made in this thread, it seems this two have had some bad quarrels with each other before. I thought this was a place to offer constructive NOT destructive criticism ...

 

[desecration]

Here's one for you....the people who work at 7/11 and gas stations and other marts are almost always portrayed as middle eastern, kind of racist, don't you think?

When I write professionally, I always insert the correct number of LGBT+, plus size, and non-white characters to avoid accusations of prejudice or being old-fashioned. In this story, I would make his buddy in the 7-11 a Korean, Jewish, or LGBT+ character.

When I write for fun, I don't feel comfortable writing non-white characters or trying to speak for any other group. I don't want to steal their voices, or try to be something that I am not. It's just more honest this way.