Looking for feedback on my first (3-part) story

[soulhouse]

I'd love to get some feedback on my first story (in 3 parts of 6,000, 6,500 and 8,500 words respectively), "Fucked Stupid", particularly since reader comments are so few and far between: Fucked Stupid

It's ostensibly a mind control story, but I wonder now if I should have filed it under non-consent/reluctance. It certainly isn't about hypnosis or the like, but most definitely is a fantasy of control, or more precisely of being controlled. Fundamentally, for me, it's about surrendering to seduction though, and stories of male sexual violence revolt me, so I'd hate to associate it with that. I'd be interested to know anyone's thoughts, and whether it might have been read more or less or received differently, were it in the non-consent/reluctance category.

The first part is a pretty straightforward sex fantasy, but I tried to work much harder on the story in parts 2 and 3, so I hope it improved for that. I also hope I did a little more showing than telling as I went along, but I doubt I have the hang of that yet.

 

[NoJo]

The story, at first skim, looks really good, and is right up my alley - 90% of my own stories have a similar dynamic (but a very different style). Bookmarked it, and looking forwardto reading.

 

[NoJo]

I read Part 1.

First off, it me really turned on (in places), so I unhesitatingly rated it a 5 (as opposed to my other response to stories, not to vote at all). Well-written enough not to jar, and the theme, as I said before, was right up my alley.

To my taste the interaction between the protagonist and the seductress was too physical and hormone-laden - too much wrestling and not enough chess (or poker) for me, and this makes it less real "Mind Control" than what I like to read (and write) in this kind of femdom seduction story.

The up-front brazen interaction at the bar was a great start, laying down the challenge, and her confident teasing and goading a little later continued the exciting trajectory, but , in my opinion, the appearance of Valeria in the hotel room changed the dynamic -Nigel should have been led by his balls to her, rather than hit on by Valeria (for whatever ulterior motive she had).

So she should have trapped him, rather than goaded him; seduced rather than challenged -- it would have been a different story, one you may have enjoyed writing less, and some readers reading less, but it would have fitted better into the (femdom) Mind Control genre, which, by the way, is the genre I mainly write -- in fact I wrote a scene in one of my stories which is pretty similar to the first part of your story.

All in all , it was a rare treat or me to read someone else's take on the femdom seduction theme, and it was well-written and hot enough to give me a 3/4 hard-on, which is more than 99% of stories here do (including most of my own efforts).

 

[soulhouse]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review! That's incredibly useful feedback that will be much food for thought.

There's a well-known succubus story writer here who very occasionally absolutely hits the sweet spot for me, but more often falls the wrong side of seduced versus overpowered for my personal taste, so it's interesting you've identified something similar in my own writing. I began the story very aware that I wanted to avoid that. I love a femdom story where the danger of temptation is obvious but the protagonist still gives in to it because of a character flaw, and I was very focused on creating that, but maybe to the detriment of the other side of the equation - the seductress.

I am still wondering if the story would have fitted people's expectations better if I'd filed it under Non-Consent/Reluctance. I think I'm happy enough with its particular balance, but in future I might try to work harder at the seduction and see if it fits Mind Control better for it. I'm definitely intrigued to read your stories now to see what I can learn.

If you get around to it and have the time, it'd be great to get your take on the subsequent 2 parts at some point too. They're slightly different in tone, I think, but you'd probably feel similarly about them. I'm pleased you enjoyed it though.