Looking for Feedback on Latest Story

[clownprince2008]

I only post a story to this site about once a year, so when I do, I like to hear what everyone thinks. Here's my latest effort. Like my other stories, it's a little dialogue heavy and may retread some old ground from a previous story, but other than that, I'm quite happy with it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=506771

Anyhow, hope you enjoy it. And if not, than by all means, tell me where it went wrong.

 

[johndoe2007]

It's not the greatest story I've ever read but I liked it. It just had a very nice overall tone to it. Spelling is a bit of an issue but it's nothing major. All in all, good job.

 

[PacoFear]

Here's a backhanded compliment...

Howdy clownprince,

Okay, so I liked your sex story in spite of your sex.

As others have pointed out, your piece could do with a bit more proofing, but the gaffs weren't enought to throw me out of the narrative. Overall, I liked your dialogue most. It was realistic, it moved the story along, and the characters' exchanges felt like meaningful interactions.

Your characters had enough depth to them to carry the story too. Miranda and Nate were quite likeable. And you did a lovely job of moving the characters through three dimensional space. For me, part of the reason the story feels like it's progressing is because the characters are physically moving about.

So, honestly, the weakest part of your story for me was the sex. Here's my $0.02 on that front...

No dialogue? - Your strength seems to be dialogue and for some reason you set that aside as soon as their clothes came off. Make with a bit more talky-talk between the sheets. I think you can do it.

Moonlit vanilla - From a nooky choreography point of few, the sexual acts Nate and Miranda perform weren't especially inspired: mish plus a bit of fingery fun. The ho-hum activities do kind of makes sense in the context of the story; they'd been drinking and it was their first time together in bed. No doubt the tipsy thrill of the first time would have been enough excitement for the two of them.

Poorly described moonlit vanilla - The larger sin for me was that the description of the sex was uninspired. The clothes come off. The characters stop talking. And you start reaching for the adverbs with two greedy hands, particularly "slowly." Your "slowly" abuse crescendoed with the quoted paragraph below. You can beat this by picking better verbs like inch or trace].

Slowly, I placed one hand on her stomach and slowly ran it over her smooth flat abdomen. I looked up at her to see her eyes were closed and her hand between her teeth, just waiting for the waves of pleasure to hit her. But I acted slowly, as my hand moved agonisingly close to her breasts. But I didn't just grab them in my hands. I slowly and sensuously ran my finger along the underside of her breasts. I savoured the firmness and the goose bumps that had spread across her skin. With only one hand, I gently squeezed her left breast and felt it mould into a different shape. I savoured the thrill of simply laying my hand flat on her breast and running my fingers over her stiff, erect nipple, feeling it beneath my fingertips one by one. I could feel her heartbeat racing beneath my palm.

It takes two to tango properly - Note how the sentence structure in the paragraph above gets a bit repetitive. "I do X." "I do Y." From a prose perspective, not so good. More importantly it also makes the sex a bit one-sided. The once lively and vibrant Miranda loses her spark once the naughty commences. She's a essentially mannequin getting petted and poked. Also, Nate is coming off, to my ear, as a bit of a sexual novice but not in an endearing way, more in an arrogant, ill-informed dunce way. He thinks that "waves of pleasure" will result from him stroking Miranda's abdomen, he describes himself as "sampling" her vagina, and he proudly describes the way forcefully ramming himself into her induced an "expression of pure unadulterated pleasure that was a sight to behold." The description of him fingering her read creepy to me for a number of reasons, but mostly because she was barely conscious at the time.


Naughty bit jargon - Finally, I appreciate that schools of thought vary on this, but I'm not a fan of the anatomical-type lingo: penis, vagina, scrotum. My urologist examines my penis. My wife handles my cock. There's a difference.

The good news is that once the smutty parts are over, Nate goes back to normal and Miranda perks back up again. The will-this-be-a-one-night-stand-or-not question was a nice tension device and resolved well.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I really did like the story overall. My mouse hovered between the 3-star and the 4-star thingies. Which did I pick? Not tellin'.

Best,

-PF