Looking for feedback on a reluctance story

[Jaymal]

The story of which I'm most pleased from a writing point of view is one which has received just about the least feedback and I'm wondering if I could garner a few thoughts...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372067

 

[Jaymal]

Anything?

Jeez guys, no one got nuttin' to say???

 

[_Lynn_]

Jeez guys, no one got nuttin' to say???

Not really my cat, and four pages is too long for tonight.

I'll mark it and give you something over the weekend.

 

[ellynei]

Personally, I find a claim of partial authenticity disturbing when it is a prerequisite for a noncon category story. I love noncon fantasies, but noncon realities is way past my treshold hence I won't even begin to read this story.

 

[loneflame]

Personally, I find a claim of partial authenticity disturbing when it is a prerequisite for a noncon category story. I love noncon fantasies, but noncon realities is way past my treshold hence I won't even begin to read this story.

I agree, I got through the first few paragraphs and was completely turned off by the thing. It reads like she's identifying someone to report to the police. I get that you're trying to make it sexy and maybe it does turn your friend on to think back on it, but there are very few real instances of a victim appreaciating being forced. The "true story" aspect bothers me too much to even get to the story. The reason non-con works is because its not based on true violent events.

 

[_Lynn_]

I have to agree about the claim regarding authenticity here. Does a reader need to know that? Is that supposed to make a story better?


Keep the length of paragraphs at about eight to ten lines max. When they go beyond that, the lines blend together and make reading difficult.

A Lamborghini and he's a high school wrestling coach?

This entire story could be tightened a great deal in my opinion. I forced myself to read the entire piece, but I was very bored by all the useless information.

Your story is typical of the type I open, read a bit, and click back out of. There isn't anything in the beginning that grabbed my attention in a good way.

Just my opinion.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Lynn and others are right. This is a story site and it actually dampens interest to claim it is a 'real' story - fiction is more exciting.

The long paragraphs don't help on a backlit rolling screen.

I agree as well that you have far too much material that is unnecessary and slows the pace of the story. Also, non-consent is usually better received when written from the female pov. Here, M-J is almost mute and unbelievable, whereas her emotions should drive the story. The wrestling coach - with his anger and inferiority complex - is a rather uninteresting stereotype.

 

[mia_erotica]

Jaymal fan club

Reading the previous posts on this thread I have to admit that I am perplexed by the comments. It seems to me that your other readers may have only skimmed the story. Jaymal, you did an amazing job establishing the characters. Joe was a former sports star turned teacher after an injury. That's why he had money (silk shirt, car) He is also a product of the swingin' 70s and you added the ambiance perfectly: the songs in the disco, the clothing, etc.

In no way did I feel like MJ was being raped in What Men Want ch 1. She was a naive teenager but her initial attraction to the handsome older man indicated that she enjoyed his attention. It was naive of her to leave with him but when they arrived at his home she didn't protest. Jay, you mentioned her interest in a reluctance fantasy and as a fan of non-consent I was immediately able to imagine myself as the young virgin.

The pacing was incredible because there was a tension created between what MJ imagined and what she was experiencing. Just as she rationalizes that her fantasy and her reality have no connection, after all Joe is a teacher, not hers but he could have been, and he lives in a respectable home in a nice neighborhood, just as she thinks I like him but...he shocks her with a passionate kiss.

And then this sexual encounter takes the aura of an experience in slow motion. Every movement is defined and I felt like she was no longer MJ, you know, she was me, being kissed, being educated in the language of a proper blow job.

I urge those of you who didn't get it the first time to get past the true story thing and I think you will be surprised with how easily you become immersed in the fantasy. What Men Want is pretty fucking excellent porn.

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks Mia - I appreciate your comments. The point of the protracted build-up was to create tension with the use of the two perspectives - the innocent girl, not without secret fantasies, on a collision course for an intense if disconcerting erotic experience.

I take on board people's difficulties with the 'based on a true story' tag. I wrote the story with the blessing and encouragement of the real MJ and she enjoyed the result - in a way it was the fictionalising and reshaping of a troubling event from her youth, subverting a difficult memory, if you will. However in retrospect to label it as such was a bad call, interfering with other readers' enjoyment of the fantasy. Right now I'm struggling with how to edit one's own story once it's already been posted - no one from Literotica has responded to my query on this and technodunce that I am I can't work it out for myself. So any advice would be gratefully received!

 

[Hotcappucino]

Right now I'm struggling with how to edit one's own story once it's already been posted - no one from Literotica has responded to my query on this and technodunce that I am I can't work it out for myself. So any advice would be gratefully received!

All you do is resubmit it with the same title, but with " - EDITED" after the title. So in your case, you would submit it with the title "What Men Want Ch. 01 - EDITED"

http://www.literotica.com/faq/05235347.shtml#05313767

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks for that, Hotcappucino. Much appreciated.

 

[mia_erotica]

edited version looks to be up and running

Now that you have edited your story Jaymal, I hope the other readers can look at it again with fresh eyes and just enjoy it for what it is, a very well written and sophisticated reluctance fantasy.