Looking for feedback from veteran Literotica writers

[carolinahusband]

My first two stories have been posted for a while, but I didn't get as much feedback as I'd hoped, especially from the more seasoned authors, and would love a few more points of view.

'Intimate Neighbors' is the story of Deb, a 30-something divorcee and Doug, her college-aged neighbor who gets more than he bargained for when he offers to mow her lawn one day.

Please take a look at my first two chapters and let me know your honest opinions. I would especially like to hear from some of the ladies as I think (as my editors have told me) I have given some real emotion to Deb.

Chapter 1: http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=282800

Chapter 2: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=288842

Thanks in advance for reading!

Doug (carolinahusband)

 

[mjl2010]

I'm not sure what you're expecting, but both your stories have an H next to them. The first one has a decent number of public comments and why not. The story moves along well and the sex isn't too bad. Considering the category you posted in, I think you're doing just fine.

I didn't read the second chapter. Instead I skipped down to the comments and found three. Well at least they weren't trolls which you don't get many of in the mature category. You get good comments and good votes. You've nothing to worry about.

Write more, try third person pov and maybe try a different category.

MJL

 

[rachlou]

Couple of nit picky things on chapter 1 -

Mrs. Raymond just laughed, waived again and walked toward her front door, turning around to flash a wry smile at me before she disappeared into the house. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years, but she still looked just as attractive as she did when I left for college. Mr. and Mrs. Raymond had moved into the house across the street when I was in seventh grade and <she>was, by far, the most attractive lady on the block. She stood about five foot six with long, auburn hair, and beautiful green eyes.

waived = waved
I think you need to insert a she or a Mrs Raymond in that sentence.

Other thing - when you start on the sex scene, after she has caught him in the shower, I would split some of the paragraphs up. They are slightly too long to read easily.

But apart from those minor niggles, the story flowed well and you managed to strike a good balance of sex and romance. It was an enjoyable story so well done.

 

[KitKnickerless]

Seasoned reader

You've done well to write two stories, both earning the little red H. Clearly your readers liked them. If you write more stories then your existing works may attract the attention of some of your new readers.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You've got high scores, which shows you've got the bases covered, and you can write sex very well.

Only read me if you want to write better stories. If you click out I can understand.

Your first story, whilst very well written and with good sex, had little pace and no tension. The trite premise that a mature woman suddenly wants to be fucked by a college graduate is implausible. Part 1 would be improved by getting rid of a lot of egotistical 'I' thoughts and concentrate on a developing tension between the college graduate and the mature woman. In her bikini she seems like a twenty-year-old. It can't be true.

The second story gives up all pretence of playing the spring and autumn card and just goes for a staight stroke piece. Although others didn't, I got bored.

Your writing is great, you just haven't mastered the tension that turns a simple stroke piece into a superb story.

Concentrate on playing on the differences (age, sex, culture, education etc.) between the two. A real story can come out of the dichotomy of the two protags aspirations.

Don't get me wrong. You write well, but a bit stereotyped. Open your wings and fly.

 

[mjl2010]

In her bikini she seems like a twenty-year-old. It can't be true.

Maybe she's the fifty year old grandmother from the bowflex commercial...

Point is, I've seen some hot looking ladies who could wear a bikini and look hot well into their forties. I didn't find that part off putting at all.

How it seemed like she came to the door looking to get laid, that seemed trite to me.

You'll do great CH. Just keep writing and try to make it real.

MJL

 

[MarshAlien]

As a veteran Literotica writer,

I'm sorry, I got laughing too much.

I think that your story is just too similar to the many other "Mature" stories that get posted here. The first chapter was a well done intro, although you didn't really establish Deb's motivation. Is she desperate, or are you just really that attractive now? Yes, it's your fantasy, but what makes it credible. For example, the remark about the paint was a cute smart-ass comeback. If you'd established earlier that this character was capable of that, and had that sort of relationship with Deb, it would have given her attraction more credibility and not made that remark stick out quite so much (because it seemed to me, given his earlier befuddlement, that he wouldn't have been capable of tossing something like that off.

The second chapter simply doesn't take the characters anywhere. We had sex in the first chapter, and we're going to have sex in the second. If you want people to read a third, you have to give them something to look forward to, besides the sex. Some sort of plot that takes these characters somewhere different.

Finally, your dialogue seems just a little stilted. The opening scene, of Doug and Deb "hollering" across the street at each other, seemed a little much. And her line, ""We separated last fall after you left for college and are getting a divorce. It just wasn't working out," seemed too formal. Something simpler ("yeah, we split up after you left last fall. It wasn't working") might have worked better.

 

[carolinahusband]

Thanks to everyone who replied. These are the kinds of suggestions I was looking for. I know when I get an "H" on the story that readers are enjoying it, but in order to become a better writer, I needed some constructive criticism.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

As a veteran Literotica writer,

I'm sorry, I got laughing too much.

I think that your story is just too similar to the many other "Mature" stories that get posted here. The first chapter was a well done intro, although you didn't really establish Deb's motivation. Is she desperate, or are you just really that attractive now? Yes, it's your fantasy, but what makes it credible. For example, the remark about the paint was a cute smart-ass comeback. If you'd established earlier that this character was capable of that, and had that sort of relationship with Deb, it would have given her attraction more credibility and not made that remark stick out quite so much (because it seemed to me, given his earlier befuddlement, that he wouldn't have been capable of tossing something like that off.

The second chapter simply doesn't take the characters anywhere. We had sex in the first chapter, and we're going to have sex in the second. If you want people to read a third, you have to give them something to look forward to, besides the sex. Some sort of plot that takes these characters somewhere different.

Finally, your dialogue seems just a little stilted. The opening scene, of Doug and Deb "hollering" across the street at each other, seemed a little much. And her line, ""We separated last fall after you left for college and are getting a divorce. It just wasn't working out," seemed too formal. Something simpler ("yeah, we split up after you left last fall. It wasn't working") might have worked better.

Yeah. We wanna see sex done standing up in a hammock or while skydiving.

Ok, I'll be serious now. The problem with ALL sex stories is the same thing wrong with Porn - There are only so many ways/things that can be done - Bend her over, missionary, doggy, Cowgirl, Blow Job, Pussy licking, nipple sucking, etc.

Therefore, in order to make your story stand out, you need to have an interesting story with sex, not Sex with a story. Listen to Elle, MJ and Marsh. You are on the right track and their comments are correct.

 

[Guest]

Wow, JJ I have to say, I completely agree. I tried the sex in a hammock thing...It wasn't too funny when his balls got caught up in the ropes. (yes it was...)

Just keep writing, the best way to learn is to do it. My first stories actually have me embarrassed now, if I were to go back and read them. I still make mistakes and my loverly readers are very quick to point them out.

Good luck and welcome to the group!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Wow, JJ I have to say, I completely agree. I tried the sex in a hammock thing...It wasn't too funny when his balls got caught up in the ropes. (yes it was...)

My personal fav, Danni, is the extra deep penatration at the bottom of a Bungy Jump just before your go flying upwards again.