Looking for feedback from some female readers

[hankstr]

I've posted a new story titled "Pirates and the Nymphs of Eros":

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=506122

and would be very interested in feedback from some female readers in particular. The story is a combination and rewrite of two previously posted stories. This one has some elements of romance (or at least my best efforts at it) but still is rather graphic with the alpha males attempting to have their way with the spoils of battle (after all, they ARE pirates!). Anyway, could certainly use some insights and criticisms from the fairer sex in my first forey into the world of romance.

hankstr

 

[OnnaDare]

Thoroughly enjoyed!
Lots of action, some nice character development, and a good ending - left me wanting more!
Only one minor nitpick - I wonder if you could come up with some other words or descriptive terms instead of "panties" and "lipstick?" It kind of took me out of the ancient-world/imaginary period that this was set in. Perhaps, an invented name for a loin-cloth, like the native Hawaiian term, "malo," or instead of lipstick, "her lips were stained with the juices of pomegranates and acai," or something along those lines. Your descriptions are very rich and detailed, so it shouldn't be hard to do.
Otherwise, great job!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Lots of action, sure, and a good ending but I don't agree with Onna's 'character building' comment. It's all going fine up to chapter 5 then you suddenly abandon the interplay between Kral and Reenah. For a girl who's never 'been with a man', although fantasizing about it, a longer development of how Kral changes Reenah's mindset from fear to lust is needed to explain and accentuate the climax.

I do love your imagination and it makes this story.

Also, you rush the plot. To help us dim readers, I think you need to add a chapter covering the end of the voyage up to the dungeons of the arena. We need to know that Reenah is now pining for Kral the hunk.

Again, whilst I think your descriptions of the contests with the orcs are super, you do use a 'deus ex machina' device to get the girls out of trouble. Sort of the old device in comics where the next week begins with, 'in one bound they were free'. The re-introduction of Kral, the prisoner, is a bit hard to swallow - even in the fantasy.

Onna is quite right about clothes. Pants, let alone panties, have only been around relatively recently. Before that, women didn't wear modern underwear (no wonder men died young). Women in 'low-slung pants', 'panties', 'halter-tops', 'thongs', 'pleated skirts', 'harem pants' etc. destroy the setting you establish so well.

Editing is good but could do with looking at. Your first sentence should have parentheses, a question mark and the para split in two.

From a girly POV, as you asked, I really like Reenah and her crew and Kral and his lot are pretty good. I know I haven't got the same plumbing but wouldn't Kral and his crew have some discomfort jigging in the rigging without some sort of jockstrap to keep their family jewels under control? Despite what a lot of guys believe, the bits of naked male flesh we chromosomonally challenged creatures wet ourselves over are not usually between the legs. The butt and the abs tickle the libido - we assume the equipment is in working order.

Also, I don't get the reason for keeping all the girls clothed. Surely male readers want a bit of flesh and, telling secrets from the sisterhood, being naked and bound in front of a handsome pirate is . . . just a fantasy from watching Johnny Depp.

In summary, a really promising story with great imagination that just needs a bit of editing to soar.

Elle

 

[hankstr]

Hi Onna and Elle.
Thank you so much for these critiques. Your insightful comments are invaluable and will be taken to heart. My eyes are opened a littler wider now; understanding weak points such as mixing modern day clothing into a historical fantasy setting will help me become a better writer. Thanks again!
Hank