Looking for feedback for my lesbian story: 0007 Asian Neon
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AlinaX
Asymmetric Snowflake
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AlinaX
Asymmetric Snowflake
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Just read the first part. Nice. Sweet. I wasn't sure whether it was dystopian near-future or actually present-day. Either way, I wanted to see and understand the megabuilding(s) better, and I wanted to understand who Fei was and the life pressures acting on her.
You tend to break paragraphs unnecessarily, however.
Definitely interesting, though. I'll probably read the other parts later.
ETA: I keep thinking about this. It's one of those stories that has so much potential and my hands itch to rewrite it - which, actually, I can't, but I want to make you rewrite it - lol
There are so many stories here that you are not telling.
You tend to break paragraphs unnecessarily, however.
Definitely interesting, though. I'll probably read the other parts later.
ETA: I keep thinking about this. It's one of those stories that has so much potential and my hands itch to rewrite it - which, actually, I can't, but I want to make you rewrite it - lol
There are so many stories here that you are not telling.
- Who is Fei? Where does she come from? Has she always lived there? Are her parents alive? Does she have brothers and sisters? Why is she doing the job she's doing? Are there no other jobs? What exactly *is* the job?
- The megabuilding: it's practically a small city. Describe it. What is its personality? How old is it? Where is it? What's the view like out of the windows? What floor does Fei live on?
- Who is Auntie? Is she really Fei's auntie or is it a term of respect? What is the relationship there?
- Why is Miss Chong able to order Fei around? What does she make Fei do? What does Fei see? Is the teahouse basically a brothel that serves the inhabitants of the megabuilding?
- Vivian suddenly has a name when Fei opens the gift. What did Fei know about Vivian before this day?
- You start by describing Fei's obsession with Anna Wong, but you don't really describe her apart from lusty thighs and bare hips. You should be trying to make the reader share the obsession...
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Thank you AlinaX for the feedback. It really means a lot to me to hear from others.
I think I know what you mean by the itch to rewrite. I have it too. I have rewritten the story a couple of times already, but the itch remains. I can never decide what elements to include, so thanks for the suggestions. I need to work on the story aspect for sure.
To be honest, I struggle with the prose as well. The flow feels choppy and jittery, with the rhythm somehow never feeling right. It is also an uphill battle to find the right expressions. Even if I find one that expresses my idea, it often feels awkward and a bit out of place. I will be working hard to improve these aspects in future stories, but sometimes I just feel hopeless.
I think I know what you mean by the itch to rewrite. I have it too. I have rewritten the story a couple of times already, but the itch remains. I can never decide what elements to include, so thanks for the suggestions. I need to work on the story aspect for sure.
To be honest, I struggle with the prose as well. The flow feels choppy and jittery, with the rhythm somehow never feeling right. It is also an uphill battle to find the right expressions. Even if I find one that expresses my idea, it often feels awkward and a bit out of place. I will be working hard to improve these aspects in future stories, but sometimes I just feel hopeless.
joy_of_cooking
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I read all four parts.
You're better than most at depicting Asian characters. So well that I'm going to go out on a limb and say these people are not only Asian but Chinese. Sometimes I get a little nervous when I read non-white characters on Lit, but it feels like you have some real knowledge here. And you don't fetishize them. Thank you for that.
Auntie in particular felt very realistic. "Oh, you filmed lesbian porn? Well, did you get any money for it? Eh, that's not too bad then. Just don't become a whore." Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've met Auntie a couple of times. Is she squat, stocky, maybe with a puffy perm?
And you made me care about all these people. Mei's sweet. I'm really curious how things will go with Erika. I want Miss Chong to get her comeuppance. Nicely done, in probably <10k words total.
And the city! I see exactly what AlinaX means about wanting to know more about the city. You say it's a cyberpunk setting and indeed it feels very Neuromancer. Hong Kong or Singapore or Shanghai, but turned up to eleven. All I need now are some loving descriptions of the street food.
On to the criticism:
I wish the parts were longer. 2-3k is very short.
There are a bunch of technical errors. The line breaks sometimes split sentences. Even where they are grammatically correct, they sometimes separate a line of quoted dialogue from a bit of narration (an "action tag") that helps me identify the speaker, and that's confusing.
I mostly just want you to write more. As AlinaX said, there's so much you're not telling.
I will disagree with a couple of things AlinaX said were confusing. I'll guess at the explanations so you can tell if I'm getting it right or just being wrong and not knowing it.
Fei is a courier. She delivers stuff, maybe exclusively from Auntie's shop, maybe from others as well.
Auntie is not a blood relative of Fei's but rather a shopkeeper who employs Fei and takes a certain avuncular interest. (Google says avuncular for women is materteral but I've never heard that word before.) Fei calls her Auntie because that's a standard honorific for women older than the speaker.
Miss Chong is a repeat customer of Auntie's. She gets to abuse Fei a little because they're afraid of losing her business, and with it the business of the others at the Red Court.
The Red Court is a brothel, yes. I'm guessing the building is an arcology, so saying the Red Court services the inhabitants of the building is a bit like saying it services the inhabitants of the town or whatever in another setting.
It is weird that Vivian only gets a name after Fei opens the box though.
Anyway, apologies for the length. I had not the time to make it short. Loved this, please write more.
You're better than most at depicting Asian characters. So well that I'm going to go out on a limb and say these people are not only Asian but Chinese. Sometimes I get a little nervous when I read non-white characters on Lit, but it feels like you have some real knowledge here. And you don't fetishize them. Thank you for that.
Auntie in particular felt very realistic. "Oh, you filmed lesbian porn? Well, did you get any money for it? Eh, that's not too bad then. Just don't become a whore." Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've met Auntie a couple of times. Is she squat, stocky, maybe with a puffy perm?
And you made me care about all these people. Mei's sweet. I'm really curious how things will go with Erika. I want Miss Chong to get her comeuppance. Nicely done, in probably <10k words total.
And the city! I see exactly what AlinaX means about wanting to know more about the city. You say it's a cyberpunk setting and indeed it feels very Neuromancer. Hong Kong or Singapore or Shanghai, but turned up to eleven. All I need now are some loving descriptions of the street food.
On to the criticism:
I wish the parts were longer. 2-3k is very short.
There are a bunch of technical errors. The line breaks sometimes split sentences. Even where they are grammatically correct, they sometimes separate a line of quoted dialogue from a bit of narration (an "action tag") that helps me identify the speaker, and that's confusing.
I mostly just want you to write more. As AlinaX said, there's so much you're not telling.
I will disagree with a couple of things AlinaX said were confusing. I'll guess at the explanations so you can tell if I'm getting it right or just being wrong and not knowing it.
Fei is a courier. She delivers stuff, maybe exclusively from Auntie's shop, maybe from others as well.
Auntie is not a blood relative of Fei's but rather a shopkeeper who employs Fei and takes a certain avuncular interest. (Google says avuncular for women is materteral but I've never heard that word before.) Fei calls her Auntie because that's a standard honorific for women older than the speaker.
Miss Chong is a repeat customer of Auntie's. She gets to abuse Fei a little because they're afraid of losing her business, and with it the business of the others at the Red Court.
The Red Court is a brothel, yes. I'm guessing the building is an arcology, so saying the Red Court services the inhabitants of the building is a bit like saying it services the inhabitants of the town or whatever in another setting.
It is weird that Vivian only gets a name after Fei opens the box though.
Anyway, apologies for the length. I had not the time to make it short. Loved this, please write more.
Joy of cooking. You're super-sweet for giving me feedback on both the negative and the positive aspects. I'm happy you've found so many positives in the story. The line-breaks are not well-planned and in some cases were not intended. I must have messed up when I copy-pasted the text into the upload form. Indentations were also lost, so overall the text looks weird. I'm still trying to figure out how and where to add line-breaks in these online stories. Perhaps best if I stick to the rules of a real book? I'll try to write more solid paragraphs in the follow-up episodes.
I'm glad you see the characters as intended. And all your explanations and assumptions are correct. I'll try to add more detail about the world. I know some Asian countries well, though I don't intend to write about one particular country, instead I'm trying to mix aspects of the different countries I know in East and South-East Asia and take all that to an imaginary location. I do want to avoid fetishization, so I'm happy you saw how much I was trying to avoid it. Thanks again!
I'm glad you see the characters as intended. And all your explanations and assumptions are correct. I'll try to add more detail about the world. I know some Asian countries well, though I don't intend to write about one particular country, instead I'm trying to mix aspects of the different countries I know in East and South-East Asia and take all that to an imaginary location. I do want to avoid fetishization, so I'm happy you saw how much I was trying to avoid it. Thanks again!
AlinaX
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I certainly didn't sense any fetishization, but also I'm not Asian and I've only visited there a few times. I guessed China, but that's no small place.
@lovelylin If you ever want me to take a look as an editor, I'll be happy to (if I have the time).
@lovelylin If you ever want me to take a look as an editor, I'll be happy to (if I have the time).
AlinaX
Asymmetric Snowflake
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Materteral. Huh. I've never heard that word before.
It's not in the dictionary on my shelf, but is in the OED and described as humorous. rare. with only two examples of use, both from the 19th Century. It's basically the literal Latin equivalent of 'avuncular', i.e., maternal aunt vs. maternal uncle.
'Materterine' is a variant of 'materteral', but 'auntly' is in more common usage and more easily understood.
joy_of_cooking
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Yeah, me neither. I was happy with how well lovelylin avoided that.
AlinaX, thank you for all the replies. I was busy with work, so I’m replying late. Now, I also think that perhaps there are too few details about the world. I leave perhaps too much to the reader’s imagination. I could add a few details here and there. As for the editing, you are very kind, but I’m a bit short on money, so I would not be able to pay for it. Thanks anyway. I will be uploading new parts when I have time.
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