Looking for feedback for my first story

[Rockestarchik]

I just posted my first story, and although I've received a couple good comments, I'd like some actual constructive criticism. I can't get better unless I'm told what I'm doing wrong, right?

Here's the link to my story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370788

 

[JohnBous]

Hi,

Like you I'm a newcomer to the actual writing-and-posting thing, but for my sins I'm an editor and sometime writing coach. Your writing is very promising and I enjoyed your story.

If I've got any criticisms at all, then I would have to mention your use (or rather, over-use) of adjectives - not every noun needs one, particularly if you choose your words wisely. Rather than describe the same thing by varying, or adding to, the adjectives used, try a thesaurus for alternatives to the noun itself. Before I make any other comment, I'd like to read more of your writing - and feel free to message me anytime if you would like more of my opinions (for what they are worth).

Above all, please keep writing - this is a very good start.

John

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, I always hate to say this, but you did pretty well for a first timer. Your plot is a little thin, but you seem to have avoided most of the newbie errors that are rampent. You actually allowed your characters to talk and tell their own story rather than bore the shit out of me by telling the story yourself. Your grammar and punctuation are okay and the story flows along with only a few small bumps.

There are really only two negative criticisms I could make. First you have on paragraph that is way too long. Try and keep then down around 6 to 8 screen lines. That makes them so much easier to read. Second, the story seems to go in one direction at the beginning - she's waylaid by potential rapists for a "Reluctance/Forced" story, then it shifts to a "Savior" story with sort of a Disney flair - Pirate girl saved by the dashing Sea Captain or some such. If that's what you meant to have it happen, I would have lengthened the rescue, because the "rapists" come off as a bunch of pansies.

But, I was quite surprised with the story and the writing. You did good.

J. Jackson (AKA Simon KOW)





Shit! Now I have to kill myself.