Hope you all like: https://www.literotica.com/s/teasing-7
Looking for Feedback, first submission.
- Thread starter Mihral
- Start date
CarolinaPeach
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- Sep 20, 2011
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- 100
You would probably get more reads if you gave a quick description of the story and what category it is in.
I enjoyed your story. I liked how you got into her head. But maybe you were a bit too much in her head. I would agree with the anonymous poster that it left me wanting more tastes, sights, sounds, scents. And i will confess, I skipped a good bit of the build up. I think that could be condensed. The idea was hot and the teasing was delicious. My favorite part was how she hid her pussy. What a tease!
It left me wanting to know what would happen with the husband. Something hot and hard, i hope. Keep writing!
I enjoyed your story. I liked how you got into her head. But maybe you were a bit too much in her head. I would agree with the anonymous poster that it left me wanting more tastes, sights, sounds, scents. And i will confess, I skipped a good bit of the build up. I think that could be condensed. The idea was hot and the teasing was delicious. My favorite part was how she hid her pussy. What a tease!
It left me wanting to know what would happen with the husband. Something hot and hard, i hope. Keep writing!
ColetteJulie
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- Dec 17, 2015
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- 212
Mihral - do you intend writing further stories? If so, may I be so bold as to offer a few hints that help me.
Look at the how-to's on Literotica, save them, bookmark them, whatever is necessary and then read them... I'm not saying you can't write, you can very well, but how-to's give you good ideas of building characters and plots.
Look at the essays on writing from other authors on Literotica, they are very helpful. When it comes to prose, it's good idea never to start a paragraph with so, or now. You're not leaning over your fence gossiping with your neighbor. The first word of your paragraph must catch the reader into reading the whole sentence. The sentence must be polished enough to draw the reader to reading the whole paragraph.
Avoid one or two line paragraphs that have no point, every paragraph must have an action that leads the character and the reader to the next paragraph. (I'm not saying you didn't do this)
You should read through your story once to spot any gaffes you might have missed, if you are not sure of your editing capabilities there is a find an editor program on Literotica, it's free, make use of it if you wish. A reader will certainly point out the smallest grammatical mistake they see, even if they're grammatically incorrect in their comment - oh the irony.
I admit there was nothing holding my attention, so I skimmed it, I didn't see anything wrong, but it was a webcam story of which there are a hundred similar ones. I'm nobody to criticize but I do try to throw in an angle in every story I write.
I think the person who said it read like a personal blog, was more correct than the other commenters. You wrote from a first person POV, try writing exactly the same story from a third person POV and you'll have a totally different outcome. If you intend to write more, you'll find third person easier if you are not adding real details of real people like Ben.
Short stories deliver with a smack not a kiss, the reader doesn't care and doesn't want to know how many lovers you had when you met Ben, unless it's directly related to the plot. If not, the verbosity is superfluous and you will be crucified for it in certain categories.
Your back story and character build should be a maximum of 4 paragraphs if your total word count is going to be 3500 -4000. If you can build a story to 8 or 10k, you can then relax and build up for a page or so.
Through a process of trial and error, most authors will tell you that 10k is a nice block for the reader and easy for you to write, you can build your plot more.
Congratulations are in order though, it takes balls to submit a story. Congrats on being approved first time round, my first, second and third stories were all rejected. I was beginning to hatch a conspiracy theory and then I read the guidelines.... Which I should have done first.
Hope you take this as advice, as it was meant and hope to see your second story soon.
Look at the how-to's on Literotica, save them, bookmark them, whatever is necessary and then read them... I'm not saying you can't write, you can very well, but how-to's give you good ideas of building characters and plots.
Look at the essays on writing from other authors on Literotica, they are very helpful. When it comes to prose, it's good idea never to start a paragraph with so, or now. You're not leaning over your fence gossiping with your neighbor. The first word of your paragraph must catch the reader into reading the whole sentence. The sentence must be polished enough to draw the reader to reading the whole paragraph.
Avoid one or two line paragraphs that have no point, every paragraph must have an action that leads the character and the reader to the next paragraph. (I'm not saying you didn't do this)
You should read through your story once to spot any gaffes you might have missed, if you are not sure of your editing capabilities there is a find an editor program on Literotica, it's free, make use of it if you wish. A reader will certainly point out the smallest grammatical mistake they see, even if they're grammatically incorrect in their comment - oh the irony.
I admit there was nothing holding my attention, so I skimmed it, I didn't see anything wrong, but it was a webcam story of which there are a hundred similar ones. I'm nobody to criticize but I do try to throw in an angle in every story I write.
I think the person who said it read like a personal blog, was more correct than the other commenters. You wrote from a first person POV, try writing exactly the same story from a third person POV and you'll have a totally different outcome. If you intend to write more, you'll find third person easier if you are not adding real details of real people like Ben.
Short stories deliver with a smack not a kiss, the reader doesn't care and doesn't want to know how many lovers you had when you met Ben, unless it's directly related to the plot. If not, the verbosity is superfluous and you will be crucified for it in certain categories.
Your back story and character build should be a maximum of 4 paragraphs if your total word count is going to be 3500 -4000. If you can build a story to 8 or 10k, you can then relax and build up for a page or so.
Through a process of trial and error, most authors will tell you that 10k is a nice block for the reader and easy for you to write, you can build your plot more.
Congratulations are in order though, it takes balls to submit a story. Congrats on being approved first time round, my first, second and third stories were all rejected. I was beginning to hatch a conspiracy theory and then I read the guidelines.... Which I should have done first.
Hope you take this as advice, as it was meant and hope to see your second story soon.
Thank you for the feedback. Some of it basically shows I made a couple of choices that perhaps were wrong, taking out dialogue and minimising some bits. Plus more a balance with the build up!
Working on another so will take this on board as best I can.
In my working life I have to use very formal grammar, and that knocked my confidence when writing dialogue, but practice can be fun.
Working on another so will take this on board as best I can.
In my working life I have to use very formal grammar, and that knocked my confidence when writing dialogue, but practice can be fun.
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