Looking for feedback: Brooklyn's Birthday

[GideonLee]

Hi everybody, posting my first-ever story here.

The title is Brooklyn's Birthday, and it's a lesbian group sex story, primarily aimed at a male audience. (Not to say that lesbians can't get anything out of it, but it isn't a terribly realistic depiction of them. )

I'd really appreciate comments and criticism.

 

[DeathAndTaxes]

Well I'm not exactly your target audience since I'm a chick, but I did give it a read.

You can definitely tell that the story was written by a man, for men (not that there's anything wrong with that) and I do believe it will have no trouble getting the appropriate fan base off, especially the part where the b-day girl is hanging out the limo window.

I also appreciate that you did not derail my reading with any glaring grammatical or punctuation errors. Overall I would say that the descriptions of the action and dialogue were well written.

Today is also the first time I've seen the word 'bottlefucked' in a sentence, so I can mark that one off my adult word BINGO card.

My only moment where I lost my suspension of disbelief was with the champagne bottle insertion. You clearly wrote that there was still plenty of champagne in the bottle. I'm pretty sure with it sloshing around while someone thrusted a bottleneck in and out would end up with some alcohol going inside the person. So does that work the same way as it does anally? Because that would make those chicks black-out drunk in no time flat.

I think you did well for your first submission, keep writing!

 

[walkerlong]

I think you did a good job too. Your writing is clear and concise. You might think about pacing - it seemed a bit rushed at the end in particular. You have lots of space here, so don't be afraid to flesh things out (so to speak).

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought it was a fun piece.

I see what you mean about it being "for men" it was lesbian definitely written by a man. Very "lipstick lesbian" but still fun and hot and I think for a story like this fun is what you're looking for.

Because I tend to read longer stories I'll add that for your next time out don;t be afraid to add more build up and draw things out a little more and have a little conflict. If a story is written well and is fun and interesting people don't hesitate to keep reading.

 

[GideonLee]

Thanks for the feedback, everybody.

To address the common criticisms, I'll definitely admit that the pacing toward the end is too rushed. The beginning being quick, with minimal build-up, was a deliberate choice though. This particular story I wanted to write more as porn than as true erotica, but it's not how I would write every story.

My only moment where I lost my suspension of disbelief was with the champagne bottle insertion. You clearly wrote that there was still plenty of champagne in the bottle. I'm pretty sure with it sloshing around while someone thrusted a bottleneck in and out would end up with some alcohol going inside the person. So does that work the same way as it does anally? Because that would make those chicks black-out drunk in no time flat.

I'll most certainly cop to that being an artistic license moment. I mean, I'm not a woman, but from what I understand, talking realistically, wouldn't getting alcohol up in there sting like hell?

Regardless, the idea was just too sexy to me not to run with it.

 

[GideonLee]

Here's Brooklyn's Boyfriend, the follow-up to Birthday, a sordid tale of corruption, cuckoldry, and some intense hatefucking.