Looking for feedback and some helpful hints

[shmuffleblossom]

Hi there!!

I'm a brand spanking (ooer!!) new Literotica writer who is thrilled to bits that my story has been approved and posted on the site. It's such a thrill, I can't tell you!!!! My story is 'Private on Parade' in the erotic couplings section, and was submitted just about a week ago. Can't believe it's been read by so many people already!! Well, it seems a lot to me, but it might not be I suppose to some of you regulars.

I'm just looking for maybe a wee bit of feedback about it, and some hints/ideas on how to go forward for chapter 2, which is much more daunting!!! How to carry on without it being too contrived and still keeping it fresh, rather than a 'going through the motions'. Any advice/info would be greatly appreciated!!!!

There are some fantastic writers on here and I've really enjoyed reading the submissions here. The standard is pretty high and I don't want to let the side down!!

Let me know what you think guys!!

Toodlepip !!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxx

 

[mjl2010]

I'm gonna go easy on ya seein as how yer just a virgin and aint used to getting beat on.

Usually when you want comments on a story you post a link to the story. Easiest way is to open the story and then highlight and copy the address from your browser. You know the http line at the top. Then make the post asking for feedback, click on the little chain under the earth symbol right above where you type. Type some imaginative text like "my story", hit enter and then paste the link.

Like this shmuffleblossom's story


There now, that wasn't so bad for the first time, was it.

Unlike real life, you get to be a virgin for a while yet. Anyway, I'll read your story later, let you know what i think.

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The beginning of your story left me confused. In your first paragraph you have this sentence -

It was another dreary day of dull admin duties, completing reports about her junior ratings who were undergoing their basic medic training here at the Joint Services Facility at Mytchett.

Mytchett is a village in Surry, but the Lt refers to her juniors as "ratings". Maybe I'm too Americanized, but a "rating" is a term for a naval enlisted man. In the next paragraph, the Lt is fraternizing with a "Private". I have two problems with that. A Private is an Army enlisted rank and officers generally do not fraternize with enlisted men.

Next you discribe Lt McDonalds as having "... huge, firm, 38H breasts..." Give your readers some credit. They have minds. You would be much better off without the "38H" and simply rendering her measurements as something like, "...ample breasts..." or some such. The numbers tend to become dreary pretty fast, especially when the reader is skimming a number of stories.

My confusion continues later when you wrote -

Private Fox enjoyed the sight of the young Navy lieutenant seated primly and correctly behind her desk.

Not only is this Navy Lt fraternizing, but with the Army? I find this somewhat unbelievable. As a general rule, the Army and the Navy are separated by both space and jobs. I've never seen an Army Base near a Navy Base. Marine Corps, yes. Army, no.

Then it gets even more unbelievable. You wrote -

David resisted the urge to tell her to get her tits out and her knickers off for him, and he handed over the bundle of papers he had with him. He hadn't needed to bring them with him this morning at all, but he was feeling horny and very naughty, and the thought of fucking the red-haired Scottish officer in front of him that most of the guardroom were fantasizing over, made him as hot as hell. And today, he was going to have her.

According to your story, McDonald met David Fox at the "Winter Ball" (Why an enlisted man was at an officer's ball is another problem) and did some "snogging". Now he shows up at her office and thinks he's going to get laid?

From that point on this becomes a stroke viginette.

The story really isn't all badly written. You write pretty well and I can see why the wankers on Lit would give you a number of reads. However, there really isn't much to the story other than stroke. Is either Private Fox or Lt McDonald better or worse off in the end? Did they learn anything or did they just get their cookies and go their separate ways?

Had this been a war theater, some of the confusion would have been relieved. In that scenerio the Army and Navy would be working closley and the Prvt and Lt could have gotten together. However, I would have made the Private a junior officer. That would have made more sense to me.

All in all, not a bad story for a first effort. Keep it up. I expect good things from you.

JJ

 

[shmuffleblossom]

Hi again

With reference to the confusion as to Navy and Army being on the same base. Mytchett is indeed a village in Surrey, and is the home to the Tri-Service Medical Training Centre. I should have explained this for those not au-fait with the services set up over here.

In the UK, there are now quite a few Tri-Service Bases, primarily for training. In other words, Royal Navy, Army, RAF and Royal Marines personnel are all trained by staff in all 3 services on the same site. Basically for the Government to save money on training them at their own bases.

And, quite rightly, an Officer and someone from the Junior ranks are not meant to fraternize and certainly not to be having sex together!!! But, in such an environment, such things are not unknown. It doesn't happen often, and it most certainly isn't publicised unless they get caught and subsequently court-martialled. But the potential is there, and this story is obviously a fantasy, one that particularly appeals to my husband and myself as I was with the Navy, and he was a Private in the Army and served at Mytchett. He was a member of the Regimental Police, and often had to be a 'bouncer' at mess functions, including the officers mess, so would have been around when officers were letting there hair down and getting drunk, silly, and not behaving as expected.

I hope that clears up some of the confusion, and I can understand I should have explained that a bit better in the story.

Thanks a lot for your comments, and I'll do my best not to make the same mistakes again, oops!!!

Oh, and I'll work out how to paste the link to my story on here too!! What a dunce, doh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[shmuffleblossom]

My story

Help!! I can't work out how to paste this link to the story!!! I've opened the story up, copied the address from the browser, opened a new post, but can't see any chain under any earth symbol above where I type!!

Am I truly thick or do I have a different layout on my screen or what??????
Help someone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[evanslily]

In the UK, there are now quite a few Tri-Service Bases, primarily for training. In other words, Royal Navy, Army, RAF and Royal Marines personnel are all trained by staff in all 3 services on the same site. Basically for the Government to save money on training them at their own bases.

I had a feeling that might be the case. In the US, I'm pretty sure things are kept quite separate but here in the UK, we like to be frugal, LOL.

I enjoyed your story. As for carrying it on, well, decide first whether that's what you want to do. It works as a standalone. But if you do carry on, consider how you want to end up. Give your characters some more back story so we can start to care about them more deeply. Or mix it up a bit. Get them almost caught or even caught by a superior officer. Maybe that person could join in! It entirely depends on whether you want this to continue as a stroke story or whether you want to make the relationship between your 2 original leads more meaningful.

And just a heads up, the word 'knickers' doesn't necessarily go down too well around here . Apparently, to our US friends, it conjures up images of old ladies in bloomers...

Happy writing

Lily

 

[evanslily]

Help!! I can't work out how to paste this link to the story!!! I've opened the story up, copied the address from the browser, opened a new post, but can't see any chain under any earth symbol above where I type!!

Am I truly thick or do I have a different layout on my screen or what??????
Help someone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't got an earth symbol either. Depends on what version of Internet Explorer you're using, I should think.

What I do (although I'm sure there's other ways) is go to the story. Copy the address from the browser, then right click and paste it in your forum post underneath whatever you've written. If that doesn't work, I'm stumped

But don't worry too much, MJL's put a link in to your story already

 

[shmuffleblossom]

Thank you!!

Thank you thank you thank you for your comments and the suggestions re the link. My mind is fried these days, having had a baby 12 weeks ago; the grey matter isn't as it should be!!!!

I'd like to try and carry the story line on, and will 'pad them out' more. The nearly getting caught theme is one I have been thinking of and I will definitely be working that in somewhere.

Thank you again !!!! xxx

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hi again

With reference to the confusion as to Navy and Army being on the same base. Mytchett is indeed a village in Surrey, and is the home to the Tri-Service Medical Training Centre. I should have explained this for those not au-fait with the services set up over here.

In the UK, there are now quite a few Tri-Service Bases, primarily for training. In other words, Royal Navy, Army, RAF and Royal Marines personnel are all trained by staff in all 3 services on the same site. Basically for the Government to save money on training them at their own bases.


I hope that clears up some of the confusion, and I can understand I should have explained that a bit better in the story.

Thanks a lot for your comments, and I'll do my best not to make the same mistakes again, oops!!!

Not to worry. This happens quite often when the story comes from the UK. That's the reason we try and be percise in our stories. Americans are easily confused. (And I'm a displaces Irish.)