Looking for Feedback and Advice....

[RodSamson42]

I've been writing for about 6 months and I'd really like some feedback on my stories. I'm starting to write mult-chapter pieces, which I've linked below. All feedback is welcome!

Super Mario Star Light- an erotic take on the video game universe. It's humorous at times, but I enjoyed writing it.

Chapter 1-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=430184

Chapter 2-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=430187

Chapter 3-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=430346

Chapter 4 is on its way. Any advice or suggestions?


European Vacation (Nonconsent/Reluctance)- Two girls are stranded in Germany. They soon realize that thier only means of survival involves doing things they will probably regret.

Chapter 1-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=410829

Chapter 2-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=430022



Thanks!

 

[lance gt]

Okay Rod, I read about Melissa and Cathy and my first objection is a lack of start to the story. It would have worked better if you told how the girls lost their money. Then the set up by the clerk was disjointed. You have him looking at the girls on CCTV, but nothing happens. That's a waste of time to write about it. It lacked details in describing events and The time frame seemed to be off as well. They woke up and soon after it's getting dark. The conversion of Euros is way off as well. Check facts on things to add a sense of reality. The conversation seemed a little stinted as well. Make sure the characters actually talk like that. There are several good threads that can help with most of your problems and a good editor will help with the rest