michaeldgorman
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Looking for Feedback and Advice on What to Write Next
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CWatson
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The first thing I think you should do is learn to double-space your damn post paragraphs. =P Look at that wall of text! You're turning off a lot of board members just because they don't want to bother parsing through all of it.
Now, as to the stories themselves.
I find myself skipping past a lot of the material in the first chapter. This is partially because I'm a lazy ass and don't read descriptions, but it's also partially because descriptions aren't very interesting. Which is a shame, as you've done a damn good job on them. But the simple fact is that I, as a reader, don't honestly care all that much what Katie looks like. I have an imagination too, and you should trust it. What I care about is who Katie is as a person, and it takes quite a while before you get into that. ...For that matter, I also care who your narrator is as a person, and I don't get a whole lot of detail on that either. And then you make me wait ten or twelve paragraphs for any dialogue? Buddy, I'm long gone.
This is somewhat true of real life, but it's ultra-true in fiction: personality determines appearance. And, since personality is more important than appearance to The Reader, you should always start there. Sure, give me some details about what Katie looks like, but if you tell me who she is, my mind will create a much more complete picture of her--and, quite possibly, a much more accurate picture of her--than your five paragraphs of physical description.
Now, as to the stories themselves.
I find myself skipping past a lot of the material in the first chapter. This is partially because I'm a lazy ass and don't read descriptions, but it's also partially because descriptions aren't very interesting. Which is a shame, as you've done a damn good job on them. But the simple fact is that I, as a reader, don't honestly care all that much what Katie looks like. I have an imagination too, and you should trust it. What I care about is who Katie is as a person, and it takes quite a while before you get into that. ...For that matter, I also care who your narrator is as a person, and I don't get a whole lot of detail on that either. And then you make me wait ten or twelve paragraphs for any dialogue? Buddy, I'm long gone.
This is somewhat true of real life, but it's ultra-true in fiction: personality determines appearance. And, since personality is more important than appearance to The Reader, you should always start there.
Sure, give me some details about what Katie looks like, but if you tell me who she is, my mind will create a much more complete picture of her--and, quite possibly, a much more accurate picture of her--than your five paragraphs of physical description.
G
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I had a very important lesson reinforced by the two of you. No one cares if they were real life encounters or not. It's a fantasy site.
michaeldgorman: After reading your request for feedback, I was less interested in reading your stories once I heard that they were "autobiographical accounts" of your college exploits. It makes it too personal. I wish I had known things like that before posting my first story.
~Paul
michaeldgorman: After reading your request for feedback, I was less interested in reading your stories once I heard that they were "autobiographical accounts" of your college exploits. It makes it too personal. I wish I had known things like that before posting my first story.
~Paul
I have to agree that there is a bit too much lead-in during the first chapter. But after it gets going the story is good, it does make you want to turn the page.
Now, not to nitpick, but it would be really great if you could line break the IM conversations in Chapter 2. There's also a mis-spelling of shoulder (it says should) on page 2 of chapter 2. Aside from that the story presentation is very good.
You have accomplished what you set out to do with the story, which is to relate a vivid experience of a young man in his wild college days.
As I said the story is good at keeping the reader after it gets going and I liked it thus far. Because you have a talent for description and narrative, I would be keen to see you apply those skills in a different setting.
So, what I would suggest you write next is something off the beaten track of your own life. Jump category if you feel there's something that you always wanted to explore but were too afraid before your first story was posted.
It may be more challenging but it will be new and exciting, especially to people who have read this story, to see you writing something different. Also, the more audiences you write for, the more feedback you can expect to receive as a whole.
Best of luck choosing your next story.
Now, not to nitpick, but it would be really great if you could line break the IM conversations in Chapter 2. There's also a mis-spelling of shoulder (it says should) on page 2 of chapter 2. Aside from that the story presentation is very good.
You have accomplished what you set out to do with the story, which is to relate a vivid experience of a young man in his wild college days.
As I said the story is good at keeping the reader after it gets going and I liked it thus far. Because you have a talent for description and narrative, I would be keen to see you apply those skills in a different setting.
So, what I would suggest you write next is something off the beaten track of your own life. Jump category if you feel there's something that you always wanted to explore but were too afraid before your first story was posted.
It may be more challenging but it will be new and exciting, especially to people who have read this story, to see you writing something different. Also, the more audiences you write for, the more feedback you can expect to receive as a whole.
Best of luck choosing your next story.
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michaeldgorman
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Stop The Presses
Whoa. Hold up. I read the first chapter. I said I was less interested after your post, but I still read it. And what's more I enjoyed it. The only problem I have is the thread (this one). You made the same mistake I did. You let people know that this is true, and about you. Readers here come to escape. When they feel that they are in your head that's not escaping.
Continue to tell your stories. Realize that a lower score may be because it got eclipsed by something else (it is the holiday season after all). But, when you continue to tell your stories, keep it kinda hush about being the truth. That was my only complaint. I thought that the beginning was fine. I am used to reading a style of writing that is suited to novels. Don't get discouraged just yet.
And Happy Holidays (or Merry Christmas if you prefer)
Whoa. Hold up. I read the first chapter. I said I was less interested after your post, but I still read it. And what's more I enjoyed it. The only problem I have is the thread (this one). You made the same mistake I did. You let people know that this is true, and about you. Readers here come to escape. When they feel that they are in your head that's not escaping.
Continue to tell your stories. Realize that a lower score may be because it got eclipsed by something else (it is the holiday season after all). But, when you continue to tell your stories, keep it kinda hush about being the truth. That was my only complaint. I thought that the beginning was fine. I am used to reading a style of writing that is suited to novels. Don't get discouraged just yet.
And Happy Holidays (or Merry Christmas if you prefer)
evanslily
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Well, by sticking to what really happened, you're kind of constraining yourself there, hun. Because depictions of real life can be really boring - and that seems to be part of the reason your stories aren't doing quite as well as you might hope. Having said that, please be aware that a score of anything over 4.0 is a really good score, okay?
The thing about stories is that generally speaking, they have to be better than life. In order to make them sparkle, you have to cut out the extra detail and cut to the good bits.
But that's the point I'm trying to make. You don't need to write it that way, do you? You could alude to having oral briefly, but then cut to the bit where it all got more interesting (not that oral isn't interesting in itsef, but I can see that writing about months' worth of it might get repetitive...
)I hear that this is a project for you, and understand that it may be more important to you right now to preserve the accuracy of what happened. But in that case, you may have to sacrifice the story scores for the sake of that accuracy.
The more votes you get the less your score will waiver, it says you have over a 4.5 on your first two stories as of now, so I'd say you have a good idea what you're doing. Erotic Couplings is pretty general so getting a good score usually means people are interested in the story as opposed to the kink factor that lies within other categories.
In a story it's really unbelievable and probably a waste of text if you go through the trouble saying the story is true, a. it doesn't matter if it is or not, b. most people won't believe you. Describing real life events works for many writers, most embellish a little, but sticking to true events can come out a whole lot sexier than the normal orgy, threesome, college frat fiction nonsense that's fairly typical on the new stories page. I'd say stick with your true stories if they're actually stories and not just one-off experiences devoid of material you can transform into a plot.
CWatson
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And hey: if this is the wrong site, well, there are other sites. You can repost at those places and maybe get a better reception. It's a biiiig Internet, after all.
Let me also amend my original post to say, while I was bored (which is a cardinal sin itself, but never mind) by the opening, I didn't see anything else wrong with it. That's a very good sign. You have impressive skills with the written word; don't let anybody else tell you different.
It's a biiiig Internet, after all.Let me also amend my original post to say, while I was bored (which is a cardinal sin itself, but never mind) by the opening, I didn't see anything else wrong with it. That's a very good sign. You have impressive skills with the written word; don't let anybody else tell you different.
michaeldgorman
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So, I went through and read all three together, and I think that parts two and three could have been combined (no condensing, they were great) into a single chapter. There was no break in between them. Part one and two had a time lapse between them but not the case with two and three.
If I'm off base, then I am of base, but it's just what I felt.
For the record, though, I loved it all, and I am adding it to my personal collection. It's the first piece I added that didn't fit with the rest of my collection's theme.
Oh, I agree with MrTouf, though, you need to break up the lines of dialogue in the IM piece. And should probably put the names in italics or bold. Just an observation.
Good writing. Seriously.
~Paul
If I'm off base, then I am of base, but it's just what I felt.
For the record, though, I loved it all, and I am adding it to my personal collection. It's the first piece I added that didn't fit with the rest of my collection's theme.
Oh, I agree with MrTouf, though, you need to break up the lines of dialogue in the IM piece. And should probably put the names in italics or bold. Just an observation.
Good writing. Seriously.
~Paul
