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sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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On the whole it was fine until I got near the end to find that Roger had written all of that while he was bleeding into the ground and waiting for a helicopter to rescue him in Vietnam (presumably). Had a "yeah, right" moment at that point.
And that was jarring. The language was making it a period piece of a much earlier period. It's not really believable (to me) that a soldier in Vietnam would write in that style--especially when he's laying wounded on the battle ground waiting for a helicopter to rescue him. (Good thing someone in the company was carrying around a writing desk and pen and paper--and a thesarus--in the heat of battle in SEA, I guess).
Overall, although there was some inclusion of showing (which is hard to do in a letter, admittedly) and use of the senses to convey emotion, from time to time I got the "this is lots and lots of words" and/or "let's just get on with it" feelings.
Some word usage was jarring.
With the flowery language being used, calling her ball gown just "red" rather than something like "vermillion" hit a flat note.
You have a problem with the (non)sentence opening "I am alone" at the end of the first paragraph. It's confusing whether the clauses ungrammatically refer to a present "alone" or when you are alone. Should probably be "When I am alone," but then there's the problem that you've just used that phrase immediately before this (non)sentence.
I'm all for nonsentences and use them a lot in my fiction writing, but the clauses following the "I am alone" seem jarring here and threw me, as a reader, off the rails.
Fathers don't "glair to"; they "glare at."
"Growing enthusiasm" to represent an erection doesn't do it for me. "enthusiasm" isn't really anything like lust or arousal.
When I got to "pleasure palace" (especially since at that point she's a virgin) I was laughing at the campiness of it all. That the emotion you were going for in the reader?
I marked "slacks" as an anachronism assuming that the level of style set meant he was going off to the Civil War--and slacks would not be a good term for that era. I later see that it was the Vietnam war he was going off to. So, slacks isn't a problem, but the level of style now is a bigger problem. This ain't how a soldier in the 60s and 70s is going to write, I'm afraid. So, the whole thing is in an out of time warp to me.
"Aching muscle" is jarring too in the flowery word context. A soldier in Vietnam wouldn't have trouble calling a cock a cock.
I stopped at the description of her as a "woman of refinement and carnal desire" too. I looked around for any evidence within a half mile of refinement in the woman in that position and place and didn't find any.
SOOOO, interesting letter and literate enough, but a writing style problem and a few jarring word usages.
And that was jarring. The language was making it a period piece of a much earlier period. It's not really believable (to me) that a soldier in Vietnam would write in that style--especially when he's laying wounded on the battle ground waiting for a helicopter to rescue him. (Good thing someone in the company was carrying around a writing desk and pen and paper--and a thesarus--in the heat of battle in SEA, I guess).
Overall, although there was some inclusion of showing (which is hard to do in a letter, admittedly) and use of the senses to convey emotion, from time to time I got the "this is lots and lots of words" and/or "let's just get on with it" feelings.
Some word usage was jarring.
With the flowery language being used, calling her ball gown just "red" rather than something like "vermillion" hit a flat note.
You have a problem with the (non)sentence opening "I am alone" at the end of the first paragraph. It's confusing whether the clauses ungrammatically refer to a present "alone" or when you are alone. Should probably be "When I am alone," but then there's the problem that you've just used that phrase immediately before this (non)sentence.
I'm all for nonsentences and use them a lot in my fiction writing, but the clauses following the "I am alone" seem jarring here and threw me, as a reader, off the rails.
Fathers don't "glair to"; they "glare at."
"Growing enthusiasm" to represent an erection doesn't do it for me. "enthusiasm" isn't really anything like lust or arousal.
When I got to "pleasure palace" (especially since at that point she's a virgin) I was laughing at the campiness of it all. That the emotion you were going for in the reader?
I marked "slacks" as an anachronism assuming that the level of style set meant he was going off to the Civil War--and slacks would not be a good term for that era. I later see that it was the Vietnam war he was going off to. So, slacks isn't a problem, but the level of style now is a bigger problem. This ain't how a soldier in the 60s and 70s is going to write, I'm afraid. So, the whole thing is in an out of time warp to me.
"Aching muscle" is jarring too in the flowery word context. A soldier in Vietnam wouldn't have trouble calling a cock a cock.
I stopped at the description of her as a "woman of refinement and carnal desire" too. I looked around for any evidence within a half mile of refinement in the woman in that position and place and didn't find any.
SOOOO, interesting letter and literate enough, but a writing style problem and a few jarring word usages.
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I'm in a bit of a tricky situation with this one. I know you were going for a specific tone with this, but it's that tone itself that I have a bit of an issue with. This is all just my opinion, and you're welcome to make of it what you will, but here goes:
As I see it, the thing about a letter like this is that it's intensely personal. There's an inherent problem with trying to get the reader emotionally involved in something that really has nothing to do with him or her. It's different from a story, because in a story you have narrators and other devices for drawing the reader in. Here it's just one man pouring out his heart as he's about to die.
It's for this reason that I think the high tone of the letter really works against you. Right from the first sentence the letter looks painstakingly composed. Where is the raw, naked emotion? As I read through the opening paragraphs the tone of it actually started to alienate me. I found myself wondering why I should care about this stranger. And then I discovered he was dying, unsure whether he would live - but again, where is the raw, naked emotion? Where are the words that will wrench my heart and bring tears to my eyes?
Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but the point is that I couldn't connect with the writer of this letter. I didn't find myself interested or emotionally invested in his plight. And I think a large part of that is the tone. It sounds composed. It doesn't sound real, it doesn't sound immediate.
(I should mention at this point that I don't really know what the specific challenges are for which you wrote this - it could be that they required a specific tone, in which case I apologise and you can probably just discount everything I've said.)
I know my feedback isn't really very constructive, as my issue is with the piece as a whole rather than some specific aspect of it, and I really don't mean to be harsh. The letter is definitely well-written, it's just that I think you hit the wrong note with this one. That's just my honest opinion. But please don't let this stop you. Keep writing, and I sincerely hope your next story/letter hits the bulls-eye spot on!
As I see it, the thing about a letter like this is that it's intensely personal. There's an inherent problem with trying to get the reader emotionally involved in something that really has nothing to do with him or her. It's different from a story, because in a story you have narrators and other devices for drawing the reader in. Here it's just one man pouring out his heart as he's about to die.
It's for this reason that I think the high tone of the letter really works against you. Right from the first sentence the letter looks painstakingly composed. Where is the raw, naked emotion? As I read through the opening paragraphs the tone of it actually started to alienate me. I found myself wondering why I should care about this stranger. And then I discovered he was dying, unsure whether he would live - but again, where is the raw, naked emotion? Where are the words that will wrench my heart and bring tears to my eyes?
Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but the point is that I couldn't connect with the writer of this letter. I didn't find myself interested or emotionally invested in his plight. And I think a large part of that is the tone. It sounds composed. It doesn't sound real, it doesn't sound immediate.
(I should mention at this point that I don't really know what the specific challenges are for which you wrote this - it could be that they required a specific tone, in which case I apologise and you can probably just discount everything I've said.)
I know my feedback isn't really very constructive, as my issue is with the piece as a whole rather than some specific aspect of it, and I really don't mean to be harsh. The letter is definitely well-written, it's just that I think you hit the wrong note with this one. That's just my honest opinion. But please don't let this stop you. Keep writing, and I sincerely hope your next story/letter hits the bulls-eye spot on!
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Again, thanks
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