I've been writing for years, but haven't ever attempted a fictional story, erotic or otherwise. I'm new to creating dialogue and I'm having a hard time with structure. My first story is complete and I'd like an overall critique and help with grammar. Below is are three samples from the story.
Every time I re-read a section I fight with pace and timing. So those critiques will be helpful as well.
Actually any help would be appreciated, and I will be happy to email the entire story to you. I just don't want to post a story that has the wily vets shaking their heads in disgust or pity.
Story beginning:
The Negative Seduction
Her desk was at the top of the stairs of the Provost Marshals office at Ft. Polk, Louisiana. They called her the ice princess. Her actual name was Linda Peroni, she was a civilian secretary, and they were wrong.
The Provost Marshal (PM) --a Colonel-- was essentially the chief of the Military Police. His offices were in an old WW II era building, a long two story wooden structure that had seen better days. The police desk, complete with a dispatchers office and temporary holding cells, was downstairs. It shared the bottom floor with the Traffic Accident Investigation Unit. The PM's office and his pool of assistants shared the top floor with the Civil Liaison/AWOL Apprehension unit.
The ice princess was the keeper of the gate to the to Provost Marshal‘s Office. If you dared to ascend the stairs and didn’t have official business, she was quick to share her desire for you to disappear. It was a long walk back down those stairs for many a wannabe Casanova. Linda Peroni was a beautiful woman as well. She was a curiosity for all the testosterone fueled young MP’s. The word was she was divorced, but nobody knew for sure. She was a curvy Italian American woman approaching thirty, 5’5” with long wavy black hair, full pouty red lips, and looked like the girl next door on the verge of going very very bad.
Dialogue section:
“Good morning, can I help you private?” There was indifference in her tone as she spoke without giving me more than a cursory glance while continuing to shuffle papers at her desk. I wasn’t a private, I had worked hard and earned three promotions to get out from under that label. My rank was Specialist (Spec4, equal to a corporal, but a corporal is considered a non-commissioned officer.) So I just stood staring at her.
She spoke again, “What do you need private?”
“It’s Specialist Fitzpatrick ma‘am. I’m reporting for duty as the Colonel‘s driver.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked up at me. Whether she liked it or not, her and I were going to be interacting due to our jobs, and she started sizing me up right away. I wasn’t immune to her looks, but I certainly didn’t like her attitude, and that trumped any physical attraction.
“You report to the Assistant PM Major Jackson. His office is next to the Provost Marshal‘s. All your assignments will flow through Mrs. Beliveau, the colonel’s secretary, which she generally hands off to me. You can go back and introduce yourself.” She held up her arm and pointed the way then turned back to paperwork therefore dismissing me.
“Thank you ma’am.” I replied curtly.
I found Mrs. Beliveau, who demanded I call her Hattie. She was a slight older woman who was a joy to know. She sat me down and told me about the inner workings of the section then took me around and introduced me to the secretaries. Each of them was welcoming and kind. My spiel to them was, ’just let me know what I need to do to make your job easier.’ they each gave me a brief explanation of how I could support them, then I met briefly with Maj. Jackson. The Colonel was away for the week so I didn’t get to meet with him. Hattie took me back into her office.
“Ok Chris, that should about do it. Just communicate with us and everything will be a piece of cake. Look, you’ll have to deal with Ms. Peroni for most of your tasks. She can be a bit standoffish, but she’s actually a nice lady. Just give her time to come around.”
Erotic Section:
As I lowered my lips across the top slope of her breast, my hand began to travel back up the inside of her silky thigh.
Her breathing became ragged as I closed in on her pleasure spots from two directions. My lips were tasting the olive skin next to her puffy areola and I extended my tongue and gave it a soft lick. I was rewarded with a very feminine “Ooohhhh!” from Linda. I couldn’t resist as my mouth closed over the entire thing and I lightly flicked my tongue at her nipple and began to suckle.
Ooohhhh Chris!” She whimpered. She began to squirm as I kept lightly sucking and flattened my tongue, then began sliding it back and forth across the tip of her nipple. My hand continued to travel until I felt the radiating heat of her pussy. She was alternately pushing her nipple at my mouth and rolling her hips humping at my hand, she was ready. I sucked harder and sped up my tongue at the same time sliding my fingers across her wet panties and finding the hard nub of her clit. I pressed with my fingers and started a circling motion, she was on a hair trigger as she squealed.
“Ooohhhhh my god, I’m cummmming!” She continued whimpering and convulsing beneath me. I kept sucking and rotating my fingers as she came for a full minute. Her thrashing turned to trembling, then to light shivering, and as she started to come down I eased up on her. I released her nipple and slid my hand up across her belly and stared into the serenity of her face. She took a minute clear the fog of her orgasm, the spoke.
“Oh god Chris, thank you thank you thank you! I didn‘t know it could feel like that.”
I smiled and said, “It gets better love.”
Her eyed widened slightly and her only reply was a soft smiling, “Oh no...”
Every time I re-read a section I fight with pace and timing. So those critiques will be helpful as well.
Actually any help would be appreciated, and I will be happy to email the entire story to you. I just don't want to post a story that has the wily vets shaking their heads in disgust or pity.
Story beginning:
The Negative Seduction
Her desk was at the top of the stairs of the Provost Marshals office at Ft. Polk, Louisiana. They called her the ice princess. Her actual name was Linda Peroni, she was a civilian secretary, and they were wrong.
The Provost Marshal (PM) --a Colonel-- was essentially the chief of the Military Police. His offices were in an old WW II era building, a long two story wooden structure that had seen better days. The police desk, complete with a dispatchers office and temporary holding cells, was downstairs. It shared the bottom floor with the Traffic Accident Investigation Unit. The PM's office and his pool of assistants shared the top floor with the Civil Liaison/AWOL Apprehension unit.
The ice princess was the keeper of the gate to the to Provost Marshal‘s Office. If you dared to ascend the stairs and didn’t have official business, she was quick to share her desire for you to disappear. It was a long walk back down those stairs for many a wannabe Casanova. Linda Peroni was a beautiful woman as well. She was a curiosity for all the testosterone fueled young MP’s. The word was she was divorced, but nobody knew for sure. She was a curvy Italian American woman approaching thirty, 5’5” with long wavy black hair, full pouty red lips, and looked like the girl next door on the verge of going very very bad.
Dialogue section:
“Good morning, can I help you private?” There was indifference in her tone as she spoke without giving me more than a cursory glance while continuing to shuffle papers at her desk. I wasn’t a private, I had worked hard and earned three promotions to get out from under that label. My rank was Specialist (Spec4, equal to a corporal, but a corporal is considered a non-commissioned officer.) So I just stood staring at her.
She spoke again, “What do you need private?”
“It’s Specialist Fitzpatrick ma‘am. I’m reporting for duty as the Colonel‘s driver.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked up at me. Whether she liked it or not, her and I were going to be interacting due to our jobs, and she started sizing me up right away. I wasn’t immune to her looks, but I certainly didn’t like her attitude, and that trumped any physical attraction.
“You report to the Assistant PM Major Jackson. His office is next to the Provost Marshal‘s. All your assignments will flow through Mrs. Beliveau, the colonel’s secretary, which she generally hands off to me. You can go back and introduce yourself.” She held up her arm and pointed the way then turned back to paperwork therefore dismissing me.
“Thank you ma’am.” I replied curtly.
I found Mrs. Beliveau, who demanded I call her Hattie. She was a slight older woman who was a joy to know. She sat me down and told me about the inner workings of the section then took me around and introduced me to the secretaries. Each of them was welcoming and kind. My spiel to them was, ’just let me know what I need to do to make your job easier.’ they each gave me a brief explanation of how I could support them, then I met briefly with Maj. Jackson. The Colonel was away for the week so I didn’t get to meet with him. Hattie took me back into her office.
“Ok Chris, that should about do it. Just communicate with us and everything will be a piece of cake. Look, you’ll have to deal with Ms. Peroni for most of your tasks. She can be a bit standoffish, but she’s actually a nice lady. Just give her time to come around.”
Erotic Section:
As I lowered my lips across the top slope of her breast, my hand began to travel back up the inside of her silky thigh.
Her breathing became ragged as I closed in on her pleasure spots from two directions. My lips were tasting the olive skin next to her puffy areola and I extended my tongue and gave it a soft lick. I was rewarded with a very feminine “Ooohhhh!” from Linda. I couldn’t resist as my mouth closed over the entire thing and I lightly flicked my tongue at her nipple and began to suckle.
Ooohhhh Chris!” She whimpered. She began to squirm as I kept lightly sucking and flattened my tongue, then began sliding it back and forth across the tip of her nipple. My hand continued to travel until I felt the radiating heat of her pussy. She was alternately pushing her nipple at my mouth and rolling her hips humping at my hand, she was ready. I sucked harder and sped up my tongue at the same time sliding my fingers across her wet panties and finding the hard nub of her clit. I pressed with my fingers and started a circling motion, she was on a hair trigger as she squealed.
“Ooohhhhh my god, I’m cummmming!” She continued whimpering and convulsing beneath me. I kept sucking and rotating my fingers as she came for a full minute. Her thrashing turned to trembling, then to light shivering, and as she started to come down I eased up on her. I released her nipple and slid my hand up across her belly and stared into the serenity of her face. She took a minute clear the fog of her orgasm, the spoke.
“Oh god Chris, thank you thank you thank you! I didn‘t know it could feel like that.”
I smiled and said, “It gets better love.”
Her eyed widened slightly and her only reply was a soft smiling, “Oh no...”
