Looking for constructive feedback on "Helping a Friend on Leave"

[Chestnut_Tree]

This is my first attempt at writing erotica and therefore my first post to Literotica.

Please read "Helping a Friend On Leave" and post some constructive feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=363537

 

[Geeky_lover]

This is my first attempt at writing erotica and therefore my first post to Literotica.

Please read "Helping a Friend On Leave" and post some constructive feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=363537

I liked it. Maybe a 4-some in chapter 2 or perhaps 3-some with Bill's wife's and her female friend who drove her to her husband after she couldn't get a flight until after he had been redeployed.

Just some ideas.

If you think turn about is fair play...

thead for feedback: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=588593

story itself: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=361335

 

[tickledkitty]

There's way too much description and background information. Also, you need a hook in the first paragraph--something that grabs the reader and makes them want to read on. As it is, you just sort of start rambling and continue to do so through out.

Your paragraphs are too long, and you don't have enough dialogue. Honestly, I had a hard time suspending my disbelief, as well, but that might have been because I never did get to the point where I cared about your characters. They are very flat and shallow. There's nothing interesting about them.

At the beginning, I'm not sure how many times you said the wife is a redhead, but it seemed like several. Then, you later mentioned her red pubic hair. You really don't need to do that. Once is sufficient.

I think you could have started closer to the action and scattered some of the background information throughout. However, I think most of it is not necessary to the story. What is the point of this story anyway? Was it just that the wife wanted to help the friend get off? Why? I just don't get it.

There are a lot of mistakes, typos, and such. Seems like I'm always saying this, but you could really use an editor. I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I don't know what else I can say. Good luck.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Ouch, you chose Loving wives for the first submission. That's a rough crowd. I wouldn't take the feedback too much to heart.

You definitely need an editor or else go through the story with a fine-tooth comb. There are too many typos and grammatical errors.

As for the story itself I'm sorry but I found it a little dull.

The plot was kind of sweet and I thought the characters were okay. The biggest problem is everything is bogged down in layers of excessive detail. You don't need to describe everything that happens to the characters over the evening, only the important points. Go through and cut out all of the detail that isn't strictly relevant to the story. That should remove the 'Wall of Text' paragraphs and get the story to flow a little better.

 

[Chestnut_Tree]

Thank you to everyone for their comments here and on the site. I will take them into consideration.