Looking for Constructive Criticism

[LOAnnie]

With maybe an exception or two, feedback from my first ever story hasn't come from people who are considered among the best/most active of the writers here. Other than running through a grammer checker, or absolutely using an Editor (first story, I wanted to see it posted real bad), any feedback of what worked, didn't work for you would be great. It's in the non-consent category, but I see it more as a reluctance story than actual rape, it probably could have gone in other categories just as easily. So anyway, here's the link, tell me what you really think. Thanks

Love Annie

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=296722

 

[elfin_odalisque]

No, Annie, think you got the category dead right - this is classic reluctance, and you've got the coveted pink square to prove readers liked it.

This category is not about rape - it is about rape fantasy which is a completely different ball game. Go look at the story by The Bear Man (another thread on this forum). Give him your feedback and ask him to look at your story. I think you'll both benefit because you seem to be at opposite ends of the non-consent approach.

Liked the quirkiness and the little asides (though you could do them without using brackets) and I thought the first person POV worked really well.

My biggest grouse was the first paragraph;

My name is Annie, and this is my story about earning the scholarship that is getting me through college. This is my first time submitting a story, let alone my story to a site like this, but reading through, I'll go ahead and share about me at the time of the story. I'm a 19 year old girl from Washington State, going to school at a small, private liberal arts college in Canada. This story took place about a month into my sophomore year there. Myself, I stand at 5'5, about 135 pounds... I don't really look fat, I'm just built kind of bigger. Mostly skinny (little bits of baby fat), small boobs (34b's) which bug me because they don't seem to match my body size, with a bubble butt, which also bugs me, it seems too large to me. Red hair, green eyes, small button nose, and very light complexion. My figure is somewhere between an hourglass and a pear.

This is horrible - something between a police description and a poor self-portrait for a college application. We don't need all this information, especially up front and actually it would have more impact if you dribbled it out through the story.

I don't pretend it's Shakespeare, but you could begin simply with;

"As a girl from a modest background in Washington State, I was finding life at my small, private, liberal arts college in Canada difficult, both academically and financially.

Returning for my sophomore year, I realized that drastic action was needed unless my life as well as my body was going to end up pear-shaped."
That's enough, we're there with you. The name can come out in dialogue with Steffi. The insecurities about Annie's body would be much more effective if saved for her meeting with the prof. As the coat comes off, the self criticism would be more dramatic.

Personally, though others may disagree, I hate numbers and measurements in stories. Small, large , skinny etc are just fine. Your great description of breasts is, IMHO, spoiled by the (34b's) addition.

This is my first time submitting a story, let alone my story to a site like this, but reading through, I'll go ahead and share about me at the time of the story.

This should be left out, but if you want to say it, put it in a preamble before the story starts.

Sorry to be such a downer on para 1 but, if I hadn't read your thread and just stumbled on your story, I might have clicked out after para 1. It would have been my loss, cos I enjoyed the ride. Well done.

 

[LOAnnie]

thanks

it's nice to hear I did good.

I can see your problems with the first paragraph, but setting up a story isn't something I've exactly had any experience at. I know if I wrote a second chapter to this (haven't made that decision yet), it'd be easier to just jump right in I think.

Appreciate the comments, thanks hon

Love Annie

 

[An Awful Cad]

Annie,

I don't qualify as one of the better/more active contributors to the site, but here are my thoughts anyways.

Great start. I like the characters you've created and your sex scenes are good, too. Of course, when your subject matter includes the anal deflowering of a reluctant college girl, you're off to a good start in my book.

I would have liked to see more about Annie's "descent" and the conflict that led her to do what she did. She went from inexperienced and naive to eager pretty quickly. For me, the interesting part of reluctance isn't just the pain of having her ass tapped for the first time, it's the emotional conflict that she goes through in submitting herself to the professor for his amusement.

A few reviewers commented about the parenthetical "asides" from the narrator. I think that such devices can be very useful in deepening understanding of a character and/or providing the exposition to move along a story (and generally were throughout your story). However, when they are off point, they just distract from the focus and disrupt the pace of the narrative. For me, her comment about not being able to guess measurements was off target. It didn't really explain anything about the character or her actions, and started me contemplating why she would be thinking that, especially when she's supposed to be sexually inexperienced.

Lastly, I may be in the minority on this, but I hate to see obvious spelling/typographical errors in a story. They're totally distracting, halt the flow of the story for me and disrupt the fantasy you have worked so hard to create. It's like when there's a hair or scratch on the screen at a movie, and that's all you can watch until it goes away. Take the time to find an editor.

Just my opinions.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

it's nice to hear I did good.

I can see your problems with the first paragraph, but setting up a story isn't something I've exactly had any experience at. I know if I wrote a second chapter to this (haven't made that decision yet), it'd be easier to just jump right in I think.

Appreciate the comments, thanks hon

Love Annie

Don't worry about it, Annie. The story was good for a first-timer. There is a lot to learn about writing as a communication media - mostly not taught in college. Keep writing, you'll do fine.

I expect your next effort will be a vast improvement. If you need help just ask. Nearly all the writers on Lit will offer you a hand and a leg up.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Don't worry about it, Annie. The story was good for a first-timer. There is a lot to learn about writing as a communication media - mostly not taught in college. Keep writing, you'll do fine.

I expect your next effort will be a vast improvement. If you need help just ask. Nearly all the writers on Lit will offer you a hand and a leg up.

JJ

Absolutely. If you want any help at all just holler.

 

[LOAnnie]

2nd Story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=298940

It's posted, though it's not a sequel

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=298940

It's posted, though it's not a sequel

Your second story is better than the first. I liked it. You had it well thought out and it followed a logical path to conclusion. Good going.

There are a couple things you can do to improve. One is dialogue. It's very sparce. Mose of the first 1/3 of the story is a conversation your heroin has going on with herself inside her head. But that's not really dialogue. It might have been better to have her talking woth some close confidant. The way it is you are tending to TELL the story, not SHOW the story. Let the dialogue do the telling. You can have your characters talking and move the scene and action along with the tags. For instance, "Let's have a coffee," she said to Marge, as they took seats at the corner Starbucks." That's more interesting than - We sat at a table in the corner Starbucks and ordered coffee. BLAH!! One Shows, the other tells. In a way, it's a balencing act between telling and showing. Try to show at every opportunity if you can.

Keep it up. This story is much better than the last. The next will even be better. Questions, IM me

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Criticism

I agree with the others, it's well written.

My only criticism is paragraphing. When a person speaks, that's a paragraph. WHen the next character speaks, a new paragraph would be started. Perhaps it's easier demonsrated than simply pointed out. I'm an experienced writer, but I'm not any expert. All I can tell you is how I write. Take this for what it's worth. I just picked one paragraph in your story, and then show you how I would have written the same thing.

YOURS:

The professor considered me for a moment and said, "Well, I like what I see so far, is that all of it?" "Oh no, I had almost forgot the other part of it," I thought. I turned around and bent over at the waist. He had a thing for girl's asses, and everything that lay between. I counted in my head to 5 like Steffi had recommended before reaching my hands back to pull my cheeks apart. I know my face must have been turning as red as the chair I had been sitting in as not only had I revealed my naked body to someone almost 50 years older than me (2 years had been the most prior to this night), but that I was bending over holding my butt open so this perverted old man could get a great look at my pussy and my little pink asshole (well, I've been told later it was pink, don't know for certain), which no man had seen before.

MINE:

The professor considered me for a moment and said "Well, I like what I see so far, is that all of it?"

"Oh no, I had almost forgot the other part of it," I thought.

I turned around and bent over at the waist. He had a thing for girl's asses, and everything that lay between. I counted in my head to 5 like Steffi had recommended before reaching my hands back to pull my cheeks apart. I know my face must have been turning as red as the chair I had been sitting in as not only had I revealed my naked body to someone almost 50 years older than me (2 years had been the most prior to this night), but that I was bending over holding my butt open so this perverted old man could get a great look at my pussy and my little pink asshole (well, I've been told later it was pink, don't know for certain), which no man had seen before.

Don't take offense, none intended, just hoping it helps.