richard_daily
Slut Whisperer
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2006
- Posts
- 36,898
I have a short story (only my second) that I'd like to have some feedback on before posting.
EDIT, on a bit of perusal of this forum, perhaps I'm looking for "beta readers" as well...
Here's a bit of it. It might be seen as a slightly "off" writing style, but I don't want to change that aspect of the story. If you feel this is a butchering of the english language, I understand. I wanted to try something and see how it worked, and that's part of the basis of the entire story.
-----
He opened the door and found her lying on her futon, back arched up in the air, skirt hiked up around her waist, and panties down to her ankles. She almost didn't notice him, but let out a faint gasp once her attention was brought back to reality from the threshold of the orgasm she was just about to reach.
She quickly sat up and adjusted her skirt so it would protect her from feeling as open and vulnerable, even though there was little hope for that by now.
"What the hell is going on here?" He demanded to know.
Stunned, she just looked at him, first with disbelief, quickly transforming into fear and nervousness.
"I was just changing.." her voice clearly giving herself away just as much as the underwear that was pulled down to her short socks
He stood there in shock for a moment before speaking.
"You were most certainly NOT changing... I am pretty certain that if your mother and father found out about this, they would agree with me on that one young lady!"
He felt his voice sounding very commanding and firm, and he was rather surprised at his willingness to tell this young woman what to do... He could feel a slight lump in his throat and another building up in his pants.
"If your mother walked in on you doing this, she would have been scarred for life! The idea of her daughter doing... this!"
He had always considered himself a "regular guy", the sort of man who pays his taxes, goes to work every day, and comes home to his wife to a happy and contented life. That was before his ex- ran off with another man, leaving him crushed.
"I'm sorry", she started quaking and was almost in tears at this point... "I didn't mean to do anything that would get me in trouble"
"So why exactly were you doing it then young lady?"
She was a bit puzzled by his question... She half expected him to storm out or demand that she put her clothes on. Instead he was just standing there, asking her questions and looking at her lying there, having been caught literally with her pants around her ankles. A feeling of warm nervousness began to sweep over her.
She felt vulnerable and exposed... but it didn't feel particularly bad. In fact, it felt rather enticing.
She had seen him looking at her when she was in a bathing suit in her parents pool when he'd come by, or there were parties.
"I've just been so frustrated lately.." she admitted "My boyfriend and I just broke up, and one of the reasons why is because he didn't want to do certain things that I felt I wanted to explore".
Her admission startled him.
EDIT, on a bit of perusal of this forum, perhaps I'm looking for "beta readers" as well...
Here's a bit of it. It might be seen as a slightly "off" writing style, but I don't want to change that aspect of the story. If you feel this is a butchering of the english language, I understand. I wanted to try something and see how it worked, and that's part of the basis of the entire story.
-----
He opened the door and found her lying on her futon, back arched up in the air, skirt hiked up around her waist, and panties down to her ankles. She almost didn't notice him, but let out a faint gasp once her attention was brought back to reality from the threshold of the orgasm she was just about to reach.
She quickly sat up and adjusted her skirt so it would protect her from feeling as open and vulnerable, even though there was little hope for that by now.
"What the hell is going on here?" He demanded to know.
Stunned, she just looked at him, first with disbelief, quickly transforming into fear and nervousness.
"I was just changing.." her voice clearly giving herself away just as much as the underwear that was pulled down to her short socks
He stood there in shock for a moment before speaking.
"You were most certainly NOT changing... I am pretty certain that if your mother and father found out about this, they would agree with me on that one young lady!"
He felt his voice sounding very commanding and firm, and he was rather surprised at his willingness to tell this young woman what to do... He could feel a slight lump in his throat and another building up in his pants.
"If your mother walked in on you doing this, she would have been scarred for life! The idea of her daughter doing... this!"
He had always considered himself a "regular guy", the sort of man who pays his taxes, goes to work every day, and comes home to his wife to a happy and contented life. That was before his ex- ran off with another man, leaving him crushed.
"I'm sorry", she started quaking and was almost in tears at this point... "I didn't mean to do anything that would get me in trouble"
"So why exactly were you doing it then young lady?"
She was a bit puzzled by his question... She half expected him to storm out or demand that she put her clothes on. Instead he was just standing there, asking her questions and looking at her lying there, having been caught literally with her pants around her ankles. A feeling of warm nervousness began to sweep over her.
She felt vulnerable and exposed... but it didn't feel particularly bad. In fact, it felt rather enticing.
She had seen him looking at her when she was in a bathing suit in her parents pool when he'd come by, or there were parties.
"I've just been so frustrated lately.." she admitted "My boyfriend and I just broke up, and one of the reasons why is because he didn't want to do certain things that I felt I wanted to explore".
Her admission startled him.
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