Looking for advice

[BigusDickus]

I have written out just a silly beginning for a story and would like to know if I lack anything in terms of writing style.
I don't care about the story itself, just the way it's written. Does it flow well...and such.
here's the intro to my silly story:

Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step. She stopped at leaving her cotton panties on, but the rest of the clothing was in a nice track behind her.
Already in bed was her husband, but nothing was about to happen tonight due to his intense thinking about difficulty at work. Not even the sight of Sara’s pair of 32A breasts was enough to entice Tony into anything…at least for this night.
With a coy tone in her voice, she slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face, “C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight”
She slowly runs her hand down his chest stopping just short of his briefs but notices he has no interest in what she has to offer.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step. She stopped at leaving her cotton panties on, but the rest of the clothing was in a nice track behind her.
Already in bed was her husband, but nothing was about to happen tonight due to his intense thinking about difficulty at work. Not even the sight of Sara’s pair of 32A breasts was enough to entice Tony into anything…at least for this night.
With a coy tone in her voice, she slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face, “C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight”
She slowly runs her hand down his chest stopping just short of his briefs but notices he has no interest in what she has to offer.

You really want to know?

“…slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step” is a bit awkward. How about “shedding another article of clothing with each step”?

“…stopped at leaving her cotton panties on,” is also kind of strange. “Stop at leaving” is an unfamiliar construction, and to say that “…the rest of the [her?] clothing was in a nice track behind her.” takes us to the point where all her clothes are already off when in the previous sentence she was still in the process of disrobing,

I would have written “Her husband was already in bed…” rather than “Already in bed was her husband,” which is, again, an odd construction, as is “due to his intense thinking…” You’re shifting too rapidly from her point of view to his.

I think that most writers feel that a description of a body part is always better than a size (32A). The way it’s written, we don’t know whether he really likes small breasts or whether you’re just being facetious and that they really don’t do anything for him.

She doesn’t slink over to the bed “with a coy tone in her voice”, she speaks with a coy tone in her voice. Better would be “She slinked over…” and then “ ‘…a bit uptight,’ she said coyly.” I’d avoid the word “slinked” altogether. It always sounds wrong even when it’s right.

In the last sentence you abruptly switch from past tense to present tense. “…runs her hand down his chest stopping just short of his briefs” makes it sound like his shorts must be up around his armpits.

 

[Zanzibar]

Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step. She stopped at leaving her cotton panties on, but the rest of the clothing was in a nice track behind her.

This seemed awkward to me as well. something that flows better might be something like:

Sara Collins slowly walked into her bedroom, wearing only a pair of cotton panties, the rest of her clothes discarded in a trail behind her.

Already in bed was her husband, but nothing was about to happen tonight due to his intense thinking about difficulty at work. Not even the sight of Sara’s pair of 32A breasts was enough to entice Tony into anything…at least for this night.

Use other descriptive words to show what you mean, and watch the mixing of points of view or tenses as mentioned above in the other comments. If its not descriptive or seems cliche, many readers quit reading right away. What about something like:

Her husband was already in bed, staring up at the ceiling as he worried about a situation at work rapidly becoming worse. He was so focused on his problem, he didn't even notice the gentle swell of Sara's breasts as she walked over to him.

With a coy tone in her voice, she slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face, “C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight”
She slowly runs her hand down his chest stopping just short of his briefs but notices he has no interest in what she has to offer.

The mixed tense situation strikes again, combining past and present here between the two sentences. Consistency in the story is a must for it to flow and not jar the reader out of it.

How about something like:

She moved over to his side of the bed, bending over so her strawberry blonde haid brished up against the side of his face. She ran her fingers down the length of his chest as she coyly whispered, "C'mon honey. No action for a week makes me uptight." Her hands started to wander lower, but stopped as she realized he had no interest in what she was offering.

Look at what it is that you want to say in each paragragh and see if you can find the way that makes it flow from one sentence to the next, and then from one paragragh to the next. In your sections, you had both his and her's perspectives in each paragragh. From my experience, the story flows better if each paragragh deals with one or the other's actions or perspectives.

 

[tiger_smurf]

Slow start. Boring. Doesn't flow well. I'd scrap it, but then I'm prickly about writing that doesn't start with a bang and leave the reader wanting more. A lot of authors make the mistake of thinking that readers care about their characters instantly. Not true. Catch our interest. Make us care. They might be the most fascinating people to read about, but if they aren't fascinating on page one, most readers won't bother.
Start with a line that tells us something about Sara Collins or the situation she's in. Get inside her mind. Get inside Tony's mind, why doesn't he wanna fuck her? Say the most you can possibly say about these characters in the first paragraph, so that readers will be sure to read the second paragraph and third, etc. Be creative with the words you choose, and try to avoid being repetitive. As far as action words go, this is about as interesting as legal fine print.

Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step.

How about:

The trail of discarded clothes led from the hallway to the bedroom, where Sara Collins stood in nothing but her panties.

 

[Weird Harold]

Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step. She stopped at leaving her cotton panties on, but the rest of the clothing was in a nice track behind her.
Already in bed was her husband, but nothing was about to happen tonight due to his intense thinking about difficulty at work. Not even the sight of Sara’s pair of 32A breasts was enough to entice Tony into anything…at least for this night.
With a coy tone in her voice, she slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face, “C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight”
She slowly runs her hand down his chest stopping just short of his briefs but notices he has no interest in what she has to offer.

The other resonses make some pretty good points. I agree with most of them -- don't use bra sizes, avoid words like "slinked," avoid awkward constructions.

Those give the appearance of "trying too hard to sound literate" instead of just telling the story like you would explain it to a friend.

With a coy tone in her voice, she slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face, “C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight”

Should be two paragraphs, like so:

She slinked over to his side of the bed and brushed her strawberry blonde hair down the side of his face.

“C’mon, Hon. No action for a week makes Sara a bit uptight,” she whispered coyly.

I do think you're on the right track with your opening sentence: "Sara Collins walked into her bedroom slowly slipping out of each article of clothing with each step."

The "slowly slipping out of each article" gives an ambiguous feel to her stripping that's part strip tease and part reluctance. If that's NOT the mood or impression you want to convey, then it needs to be fixed to tip the balance one way or the other, but do it in your OWN style, not in a style someone suggests might be better.

For example, MY style would be to expand the trip across the bedroom by detailing each piece of clothing that comes off and describe each part as it was revealed.

Consider all of the advice and objections but YOU decide what accomplishes what you want to say best -- It's mostly an author's individual Style that draws fans to their work and youneed to develop a Style of your own to stand out from the crowd.

 

[gauchecritic]

My advice? Listen to Harold.

Everyone makes good points about specific things in your style and ways you could do it differently, but to me it looks a hell of a lot like you're trying to be a writer instead of just writing.

You're original question says the same. "Am I good enough to be a writer?"

Just write, worry about the technicalities later.

Gauche

 

[Pure]

Tiger, good suggestions!

I'm for brevity and NOT adopting a selfconsciously purple porn style.