Looking at a young lady

[SeaCat]

As many of you have noticed, there is a young lady who is my friend. (Other than my wife. By the by she is also a good friend of my wife.)

This young lady has my utmost in respect. She got herself free of an abusive husband. (Do I dare say what I would like to do to same ex?)

She is tough, she is resourceful, she is a sexual animal. I am smitten.

My wife likes her, she is the epitome of what my wife wishes to be. She doen't care what others think of her, she is herself.

This young woman is also one of the few friends I have. (If you know me then you know how much that matters to me and what I would do for her.)

This young woman has let it be known to me that she would not mind joining me and my wife in our bed. This excites me no end.

I have offered her without reservation any help she needs, and she needs help. (She is proud though, which is one of the things that incites my interest.)

My wife is not without her own interest, although she is hesitant. She still follows the rules she was taught growing up.

Regardless of the laws and rules, I wish this young lady in my life, in my house. I am torn though. I do not wish to see her independance damaged. How do I manage this?

Have you ever held in your arms a person who's well being you set above your own? Have you ever known that society would not only frown upon but punish you for your feelings for another? How do you handle this? I know how I would handle it, but that would only be dealing with myself and not my wife and this young lady.

Just so you know it is not only this young lady and my wife I worry about but her children as well. They as we all know would have to bear the recriminations of our society. How do I handle this? (No I'm not just thinking with my balls, I am thinking about her as well.)

Cat

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Cat,

In my opinion, the very first issue must be of your marriage. If your wife has hesitations, they must be dealt with and conquered so that she too is as interested in the union as you are. If that can't be accomplished, my vote would have to be to put the entire thing aside and remain platonic friends. If you and your wife can come to terms with everything, then I say give it a test-drive. Polyamorous relationships, while not discussed openly or approved of by many, can be very rewarding from what I understand.

As for society... I speak from experience. Vella and I have just bought a home in the buckle of the bible belt of Texas. Southern Baptist heaven, if you will. We've made friends with several neighbors, and while the topic has never come up directly, I have little doubt that they're aware of the situation in the bright blue house (a.k.a. The Love Shack). That said, we have not encountered even a single sneer at our lifestyle and choice to raise a family together. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that the details of your life/family situation are no one else's business. If you don't wish to deal with the garbage that may come from others pushing their individual beliefs on you then there are ways around it. If you're the type to make a statement and stand by it regardless, then you can be as forthcoming as you like. Vella and I are very cautious about how much we indulge to others, specifically for the sake of our children. The choice to be open and honest and stand by our way of life (as we are most inclined to do) is usurped by the overall emotional health and general well-being of our children. If they choose to stand up and own two Moms then we're behind them all the way. If they feel possible tension at the admission, then we respectfully declare ourselves best friends, which isn't a lie at all.

I feel for your situation and future decisions regarding this issue, but you seem a very level-headed guy. I have no doubt that you'll find the right niche for the three of you.



~lucky

 

[rgraham666]

Can't help you SeaCat. Way outside my experience.

Although I'll confess to being a bit peeved at you being greedy. You've already got one, what do you need more for?

Especially when there are a lot of single guys out there, at least one of which would be good for her.

 

[minsue]

...

~lucky

What she said. Wise woman, that Lucky.

 

[Guest]

What she said. Wise woman, that Lucky.

its kinda disgusting aint it?
*grin*
shes verbose with intellect...*scary*

 

[Huckleman2000]

I totally agree with keeping the kids' welfare at or very near the top of your list of considerations. It may be difficult, since they aren't your own, but in my mind very few things an adult can do rank below screwing up a kid.

My ex and I agreed very early in our split that we wouldn't let our feelings or anger spill over onto our son, and that we would keep his welfare as our top priority. It was difficult at times, but I don't regret it at all, and I don't think she does either. And our boy is now a very fine young man we are both proud of.

Obviously, the kids are better off that your friend has left their abusive father. Just the same, they may still be in a somewhat fragile state. Are they better in a situation where they are in uncertain home or financial conditions, or in a situation where the adults in their lives are wading into uncertain emotional waters? What if the kids start to view you as their "savior", and your wife is fine with the threesome, but uncomfortable with the kids' relationship with you?

Kids are resilient, and parents have less influence over their general development than you might think. But that assumes they have the basics - a place to live, food on the table, and adults that care about them. Without those things, I think kids can be very vulnerable to negative influences, and it's hard to predict how they might turn out.

 

[yui]

I totally agree with keeping the kids' welfare at or very near the top of your list of considerations. It may be difficult, since they aren't your own, but in my mind very few things an adult can do rank below screwing up a kid.

My ex and I agreed very early in our split that we wouldn't let our feelings or anger spill over onto our son, and that we would keep his welfare as our top priority. It was difficult at times, but I don't regret it at all, and I don't think she does either. And our boy is now a very fine young man we are both proud of.

Obviously, the kids are better off that your friend has left their abusive father. Just the same, they may still be in a somewhat fragile state. Are they better in a situation where they are in uncertain home or financial conditions, or in a situation where the adults in their lives are wading into uncertain emotional waters? What if the kids start to view you as their "savior", and your wife is fine with the threesome, but uncomfortable with the kids' relationship with you?

Kids are resilient, and parents have less influence over their general development than you might think. But that assumes they have the basics - a place to live, food on the table, and adults that care about them. Without those things, I think kids can be very vulnerable to negative influences, and it's hard to predict how they might turn out.

Well said, Huck.

 

[Guest]

Well said, Huck.

copy cat
HRMF!

 

[yui]

copy cat
HRMF!

Because I want you in a strangely tingly way, I'm going to forgive the "hrmf". *benevolent nod*

 

[Guest]

Because I want you in a strangely tingly way, I'm going to forgive the "hrmf". *benevolent nod*

im humbled
lets go to bed now
lucky's planning the whole thing as we speak

 

[lucky-E-leven]

im humbled
lets go to bed now
lucky's planning the whole thing as we speak

This is true.

You're pretty flexible, right Yui?

 

[yui]

im humbled
lets go to bed now
lucky's planning the whole thing as we speak

What is it you say? "Ass tingles?"

Yeah, those.

This is true.

You're pretty flexible, right Yui?

Partial scholarship in gymnastics.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so flexible the world might stop spinning for just a single moment.

 

[Huckleman2000]

What is it you say? "Ass tingles?"

Yeah, those.

Partial scholarship in gymnastics.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so flexible the world might stop spinning for just a single moment.

I absolutely believe that.

You three are going to trigger The Big One out here in Seattle, and if I survive, I will track you down! ...and, umm, ask if I can watch the next time.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

As many of you have noticed, there is a young lady who is my friend. (Other than my wife. By the by she is also a good friend of my wife.)

This young lady has my utmost in respect. She got herself free of an abusive husband. (Do I dare say what I would like to do to same ex?)

She is tough, she is resourceful, she is a sexual animal. I am smitten.

My wife likes her, she is the epitome of what my wife wishes to be. She doen't care what others think of her, she is herself.

This young woman is also one of the few friends I have. (If you know me then you know how much that matters to me and what I would do for her.)

This young woman has let it be known to me that she would not mind joining me and my wife in our bed. This excites me no end.

I have offered her without reservation any help she needs, and she needs help. (She is proud though, which is one of the things that incites my interest.)

My wife is not without her own interest, although she is hesitant. She still follows the rules she was taught growing up.

Regardless of the laws and rules, I wish this young lady in my life, in my house. I am torn though. I do not wish to see her independance damaged. How do I manage this?

Have you ever held in your arms a person who's well being you set above your own? Have you ever known that society would not only frown upon but punish you for your feelings for another? How do you handle this? I know how I would handle it, but that would only be dealing with myself and not my wife and this young lady.

Just so you know it is not only this young lady and my wife I worry about but her children as well. They as we all know would have to bear the recriminations of our society. How do I handle this? (No I'm not just thinking with my balls, I am thinking about her as well.)

Cat

I think Lucky was right on the marriage part. No need to go there.

AS to helping without harming pride, the simple answer is really the best. Backhome, we help each other. Fmilies, freinds, just neighbors and sometimes even strangers. The key is, we help each other. the expectation is, not that you will help me later, it's just that you will help someone when you can.

If you were raised in that culture, then you know when you're down, you're going to get aide. And you know when someone else is down, you can rest assured they will get it, even if you personally can't give it right then. I busted my butt after Katrina, fixing telephone lines for people I don't even know. They were freinds of freinds or freinds of my folks or freinds of my folk's freinds.

Helping out shows a strength of haracter. But accepting help dosen't indicate a lack of pride. as long as you let her know she dosen't owe you anything, you just know if the time comes when she can help someone she will. It's unspoken where I come from Cat, but if you can articulate it, it really will make a difference. We can't all do the same things, but not everyone needs the same things. In this case, you can help. In some other that will arise, her unique situation will allow her to help where you mightnot be able to. It isn't the same as doing and calling in favors. It's just one of the ways people can make the world around thembetter for all.

Best of luck

 

[sophia jane]

I think Lucky was right on the marriage part. No need to go there.

AS to helping without harming pride, the simple answer is really the best. Backhome, we help each other. Fmilies, freinds, just neighbors and sometimes even strangers. The key is, we help each other. the expectation is, not that you will help me later, it's just that you will help someone when you can.

If you were raised in that culture, then you know when you're down, you're going to get aide. And you know when someone else is down, you can rest assured they will get it, even if you personally can't give it right then. I busted my butt after Katrina, fixing telephone lines for people I don't even know. They were freinds of freinds or freinds of my folks or freinds of my folk's freinds.

Helping out shows a strength of haracter. But accepting help dosen't indicate a lack of pride. as long as you let her know she dosen't owe you anything, you just know if the time comes when she can help someone she will. It's unspoken where I come from Cat, but if you can articulate it, it really will make a difference. We can't all do the same things, but not everyone needs the same things. In this case, you can help. In some other that will arise, her unique situation will allow her to help where you mightnot be able to. It isn't the same as doing and calling in favors. It's just one of the ways people can make the world around thembetter for all.

Best of luck

An excellent perspective, Colly, and one I am learning alot about lately.

 

[cantdog]

As many of you have noticed, there is a young lady who is my friend. (Other than my wife. By the by she is also a good friend of my wife.)

This young lady has my utmost in respect. She got herself free of an abusive husband. (Do I dare say what I would like to do to same ex?)

She is tough, she is resourceful, she is a sexual animal. I am smitten.

My wife likes her, she is the epitome of what my wife wishes to be. She doen't care what others think of her, she is herself.

This young woman is also one of the few friends I have. (If you know me then you know how much that matters to me and what I would do for her.)

This young woman has let it be known to me that she would not mind joining me and my wife in our bed. This excites me no end.

I have offered her without reservation any help she needs, and she needs help. (She is proud though, which is one of the things that incites my interest.)

My wife is not without her own interest, although she is hesitant. She still follows the rules she was taught growing up.

Regardless of the laws and rules, I wish this young lady in my life, in my house. I am torn though. I do not wish to see her independance damaged. How do I manage this?

Have you ever held in your arms a person who's well being you set above your own? Have you ever known that society would not only frown upon but punish you for your feelings for another? How do you handle this? I know how I would handle it, but that would only be dealing with myself and not my wife and this young lady.

Just so you know it is not only this young lady and my wife I worry about but her children as well. They as we all know would have to bear the recriminations of our society. How do I handle this? (No I'm not just thinking with my balls, I am thinking about her as well.)

Cat

It's with the children that the thing unravels.

Suppose, with me, a moment.

Suppose no children. You talk, not with your wife, or with this YL, but with both. You have an evening together to consider this. I suggest, from the bottom of my heart, a line marriage. In a line marriage, all parties are free to marry. People worthy of all love do, after all, enter one's life. They do so whether one is married or not.

Most people build a mental construct. "This is what my life might have been in another time line," they say. And resolutely, they disengage. Might have been, but isn't, they say.

But a line marriage is a better notion. It would be lovely if such an option were legal.

So, you have this evening, you have this talk. You have all been through an experience which has shaken your foundations. You all realize suddenly what's essential in life.

And it ain't propriety, it's love.

So you decide.

You and YL head off the next morning, for Georgia. You apply for a marriage license, find a JP or a notary, or whatever, and marry.

Now she can inherit, her kids can inherit. She is your next of kin if that sort of decision needs to be made. You are going to raise her kids if she should die. All the shit that marriage means.

You come home. You are now all married to one another.


Work out your sexual lives any way you like. No one ever inquires about that with married couples, unless they are busybodies.


She can name you on her insurance: you are, after all, married. You can name her in the will. You are married.

You get the idea. Everyone is suddenly supported by everyone. Life is more secure. Plus, your love is given point and meaning. Exactly what happened in your other marriage.

Suppose further that she meets a likely lad, in the future. She brings him home after dating him a while. He meets the family. He does it more and more as her relationship with him deepens. Eventually, you three and he will need to have an evening together, and he and she will need to go to Texas, and apply for a marriage license. They will find a JP and get married.

The cycle can repeat as many times as there's room for it, over the course of all your lives. Your family is wider, and it is immortal. If some of you die, the others are just as much parents as you are. It's an increase in stability for a marriage, and it means your kids are more secure than ever. They will likely never be wards of the state, there are too many of you.

That's line marriage. You may not ever go to bed with this guy the YL has deemed worthy of marrying, because your tastes may tell you that guys are too hairy and smell wrong. Still, what of that? In your conception, in the minds, in fact, of all of you, you are all married. You will have, joyfully and willingly, new responsibility with each new prgnancy and birth, you will always have "your" children to help raise, no matter whose they are, biologically. You are a responsible man and a loving one. To you it is an opportunity to imprint on the future your personal values. You will love educating and raising your joint children.

The problem comes with the law. All this will need to be selectively hidden, because in law, no one's heart is wide enough to encompass more than one, even though that is patently wrong and foolish.

Once you, for instance, get married to YL in Georgia, you are now a bigamist. That's a crime. The insurance people will cheerfully dump you if they find out, and keep the money. You may even go to jail.

Which you can prevent, if there is a will to safeguard all this. Your fellow wives and husbands certainly will never betray you. But kids talk unguardedly. Kids want to have their friends over. Their friends, all innocently, may well tip people off to the profoundly unusual family situation at the Cat household.

But in an ideal world, one where people kept their noses out of other people's business, this sort of arrangement would provide unprecedented stability. The family fortune, nourished by three, then four incomes, would grow. You would all want for nothing, and have love and security in abundance.

Unfortunately, you would need to live a life of paranoia and vigilance, trying to keep the excellent arrangement you have made from being taken note of by the legal system. The weak poijnt there would be the unguarded speech of children. Yours, and the friends they have who see the odd family their little friend has.

I like the idea, myself, and I have proposed it to my wife, years ago. She was too prudent, and we never did it.

I have nothing to add, here. What do you think?

 

[Huckleman2000]

It's with the children that the thing unravels.

Suppose, with me, a moment.....

...But in an ideal world, one where people kept their noses out of other people's business, this sort of arrangement would provide unprecedented stability. The family fortune, nourished by three, then four incomes, would grow. You would all want for nothing, and have love and security in abundance.

Unfortunately, you would need to live a life of paranoia and vigilance, trying to keep the excellent arrangement you have made from being taken note of by the legal system. The weak poijnt there would be the unguarded speech of children. Yours, and the friends they have who see the odd family their little friend has.

I like the idea, myself, and I have proposed it to my wife, years ago. She was too prudent, and we never did it.

I have nothing to add, here. What do you think?

I've posted before about how I spent a couple of years in my childhood living in Nigeria. I know that we consider ourselves a melting pot in America, but Nigeria was a place where we had a nice house, a houseboy, gardener, driver, and nightwatchman, each from a different tribe, native language, religion... and if you went 20 miles into the bush, there were villages that were essentially bronze-age societies.

Our driver's name was Issa, and he was Hausa tribe (I think) and Muslim, the predominant population in Northern Nigeria. He was smart, concientious, and a bit jaunty. He wore a khaki uniform, though I don't think it was required by anyone, and a shearling ensign-cap at a rakish angle. He drove with enthusiasm; we always knew when he pulled into the driveway, as he would rev and downshift before stopping. He drove my father all over the country, and my mother around the city, even into the native market areas, though she drove herself when he and my father were on a trip. He could translate, and negotiate as circumstances required. He drove my brother and I to school. He wasn't just a driver, he was a guide and ambassador and protector, and a man of immense pride and good humor.

He had two wives, and dreamed of traveling to Mecca one day. I remember the time one wife had a baby, and the whole Project staff threw him a party for the christening (or Muslim equivalent), and my parents have pictures of him and his family, and they are all beaming. We danced to Highlife music.

In various circumstances, people can have many different living arrangements that are successful. I don't know how his wives felt about the situation - I'm pretty sure the christening party was about the only time we ever met them. Still, I know that within that world, Issa was prosperous, a good man, and had a nice family.

 

[cantdog]

He'd be meat here, to the legal system. I can only wish for the kind of freedom he enjoyed. Once in a while we still picture what our lives might have been had we taken the step of opening our marriage.

 

[Belegon]

As many of you have noticed, there is a young lady who is my friend. (Other than my wife. By the by she is also a good friend of my wife.)

This young lady has my utmost in respect. She got herself free of an abusive husband. (Do I dare say what I would like to do to same ex?)

She is tough, she is resourceful, she is a sexual animal. I am smitten.

My wife likes her, she is the epitome of what my wife wishes to be. She doen't care what others think of her, she is herself.

This young woman is also one of the few friends I have. (If you know me then you know how much that matters to me and what I would do for her.)

This young woman has let it be known to me that she would not mind joining me and my wife in our bed. This excites me no end.

I have offered her without reservation any help she needs, and she needs help. (She is proud though, which is one of the things that incites my interest.)

My wife is not without her own interest, although she is hesitant. She still follows the rules she was taught growing up.

Regardless of the laws and rules, I wish this young lady in my life, in my house. I am torn though. I do not wish to see her independance damaged. How do I manage this?

Have you ever held in your arms a person who's well being you set above your own? Have you ever known that society would not only frown upon but punish you for your feelings for another? How do you handle this? I know how I would handle it, but that would only be dealing with myself and not my wife and this young lady.

Just so you know it is not only this young lady and my wife I worry about but her children as well. They as we all know would have to bear the recriminations of our society. How do I handle this? (No I'm not just thinking with my balls, I am thinking about her as well.)

Cat

Like with Lucky, I feel the pre-eminent issue here is the marriage. The other stuff can be dealt with. There is no reason you can't be helpful Uncle Cat without the sexual activity.

And the way I see it, you don't have much to say anymore. It's up to your wife and the YL.

I recently have grown apart from someone I care for deeply. That caring is not going to end. Simply put, I love her. But I don't really talk to her anymore. And the issue is within neither of us, but with our spouses. The situation could not continue because of how our spouses felt about it. Even though we were not sexual partners. The emotional committment was enough.

Your wife and the YL need to decide. Your mind is already made up. The hardest part may very well be if they decide against what you know you want.

 

[Guest]

*sighs*

I will bring in some life instances from my life....

ONE:
I was 22 at the time and friends with a married couple. He always flirted with me and told me he loved me. At 22 and coming from the home that I did that meant the world to me. His wife was wonderful to me and he asked her if it would be alright if he and I became intimate. She said she was fine with it that nothing was the matter with it and that it was cool.

Through talking and 'negotiating' she says that she is bi-curious. Not really heavy stuff but she wants to play alittle and touch but would like to be involved in the intimate time. I have no problem with this because I don't want her hurt in all of this.

However that was not entirely the case with the husband. He wanted to play and fool around. He didn't think that there was anything that he actually had to worry about or work at as long as his wife was fine with it. She was to a point. She didn't want us having private time, I was okay with this he was not.

In a very short period of time the wife who had been close friends with me for some time got very upset with me. She blamed me for the situation. She blamed me for him wanting something outside of their marriage. In the end he even turned on me and said that I was trying to break up their marriage that I was trying to ruin things for them.

I never understood that. Years later I merely shrugged my shoulders at the entire thing. I lost my friends, money (yes I was monetarily involved with them), and a large piece of my innocence.

TWO:
Christmas time 2000.... I am involved in a BDSM relationship with a man. He, another man and a very close friend of mine all are at my house for the holidays. The man that I was involved with always wanted to have a threesome. After the disaster of the first one that I had and two others after that ending (not in bad ways) I was supremely reluctant to do this. He pushed and wanted one badly.

Somewhere along the way the other girl at my house was attracted to the man I was with. she got into a fight with the other man at the house and caused a giant ruckus. The man I was involved with threw the other man out of my house for safety reasons he said. he then proceeded to hit on the other woman. Eventually starting something that I walked out on as they were in the middle of my living room floor.

As the holidays passed they both went back home... or so I thought, apparently their little mini tryst on my living room floor made them decide that they should be together. Two months later she moved in with him and they are still together now.

THREE:
In the spring of this year I began talking to an old friend of mine. She was involved with a man that I was 'friends' with meaning that I knew him but not really friends friends. He is a trucker and travels all the time. This other woman was constantly finding friends male and female for him to see while he was driving through different states.

Through weird conversations she begins to tell he and I that she really wants us to get together. She is fine with it and not jealous at all. She has been with him for years she says and has no problem with him being with another woman if the wants to because she is secure in her relationship with him and knows that he won't leave her.

Both he and I pushed her hard wanting to make sure she was certain. Neither of us really wanted an intimate relationship. We just wanted to hang out if he happened to be going through the town that I lived in (I do happen to live on a major trucking route). She repeatedly for MONTHS said that everything was fine that there was no problems what so ever that she was not jealous and thought we were silly for worrying.

One weekend he stopped by. We had fun, went to dinner, hung out.... He helped me with some emotional stuff that I was working on that I just couldn't get a handle on. Two days after he left she went absolutely nuts. Calling me a whore, slut, etc you get the picture..... told him that she couldn't believe that he hung out with me at all was so angry at both of us.

I was stunned when he told me. I was like what, hold on now for six MONTHS she said it was fine it was cool that even though nothing happened she was fine before and now I was the whore of babylon. She freaked out on him for over a week. Finally she ended up telling him that he had to choose, her or me. He hates ultimatiums like most men do and picked being my friend over being with someone that he thougth he could trust in her.

Two weeks after this happens she goes to the man that was in my life and tells him all of this..... or actually tells him that I stole her man, nothing else about it just simply that some tramp (that would be me) came in and stole her man and that I was good for nothing. Well you get the picture. Needless to say the man in my life didn't believe me, she was thrilled that she got under his skin, my trucker friend is still one of my absolute best friends and I am INCREDIBLY leery of ever ever ever being in that situation again.

Final thoughts:
I don't know if I would ever get involved in a three way again. I have seen it work I have heard that it can work. Heck I have enjoyed some great group things but I know that those three relationships right there that I talked about will color my vision of group dynamics for the rest of my life.

You all have to be sure. I mean more then 100% sure that you can handle it. You cannot go half way you cannot go if only two of the three of you are 100% because it will blow up and you will have a huge extremely painful thing to deal with on the other side that not all of you will recover from.

 

[gauchecritic]

showing my ignorance and ingrained sexism...

If this post had been from a woman wanting a relationship with a 'married' couple and the descriptions were as you stated I would say fine.

Guys in my experience can handle two willing partners with ease, as it is, I would say that unless it was suggested by a wife or girlfriend then I would avoid it entirely.

Having said that, I would also say that if a wife/girlfriend wanted another male partner then again I would say avoid the situation.

For the most part, however willing a partner is, the reality is not something either sex can cope with long term.

How would the wife/SO wanting another live-in permanent partner scenario feel to you Cat?

My two pennorth: Leave it alone.

 

[SeaCat]

If this post had been from a woman wanting a relationship with a 'married' couple and the descriptions were as you stated I would say fine.

Guys in my experience can handle two willing partners with ease, as it is, I would say that unless it was suggested by a wife or girlfriend then I would avoid it entirely.

Having said that, I would also say that if a wife/girlfriend wanted another male partner then again I would say avoid the situation.

For the most part, however willing a partner is, the reality is not something either sex can cope with long term.

How would the wife/SO wanting another live-in permanent partner scenario feel to you Cat?

My two pennorth: Leave it alone.

Gauch,

I think you have hit the nail on the head. How would I feel if my wife came to me and told me she had another guy she wanted to join us for the long term. Believe it or not I have thought about this. (I told you I was different.) If it was someone I felt I could trust then I actually would have no problem with it. (I would have to have absolute trust in this person though. I wouldn't be so much worried that he would hurt me, but that he would hurt my wife.)

Cant had the right idea about line marriages. I have heard of them before and thought they were one of the best ideas in the world. Isn't the idea of a marriage the well being of those involved, including the children?

Cat

 

[sophia jane]

Whatever you decide Cat, keep us updated. It's an interesting concept, and I'd love for it work out for someone.

I can't imagine loving two people or two people loving me, though honestly; I'm having enough trouble finding one.

One thing I want to say about kids- the sex part of things in any relationship should be kept away from the kids. So really, I don't see any harm to them in having new "family" in their lives. Kids need love and stability; if you can provide that, I don't see that it's a bad thing, really. There's no set rule that says that children need one mom and one dad who live together forever or they're going to be fucked up for the rest of their lives. Kids know when people care about them, when they're safe, etc. But kids are also pretty oblivious to things that don't affect them. My ex and I still live together for financial reasons, but we've both dated. My oldest knows we're getting a divorce, knew about me going to Chicago to visit with a male friend (tho obviously he doesn't know why), and he doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't change anything for him, so he doesn't care. So, yes consider the kids in the situation, but the deciding factor is really the feelings of your wife and the YL.

 

[bholderman]

Whatever you decide Cat, keep us updated. It's an interesting concept, and I'd love for it work out for someone.

I can't imagine loving two people or two people loving me, though honestly; I'm having enough trouble finding one.

One thing I want to say about kids- the sex part of things in any relationship should be kept away from the kids. So really, I don't see any harm to them in having new "family" in their lives. Kids need love and stability; if you can provide that, I don't see that it's a bad thing, really. There's no set rule that says that children need one mom and one dad who live together forever or they're going to be fucked up for the rest of their lives. Kids know when people care about them, when they're safe, etc. But kids are also pretty oblivious to things that don't affect them. My ex and I still live together for financial reasons, but we've both dated. My oldest knows we're getting a divorce, knew about me going to Chicago to visit with a male friend (tho obviously he doesn't know why), and he doesn't give a fuck. It doesn't change anything for him, so he doesn't care. So, yes consider the kids in the situation, but the deciding factor is really the feelings of your wife and the YL.

This subject was actually the centerpiece of a local child murder we had here in San Diego a few years back. A swinging couple with 3 kids had their "flings" in the house, also discovering that a new neighbor liked to have adult parties. That was pretty much the extent of the relationship with the neighbor (although he was eventually convicted of coming into the house, kidnapping and killing their daughter).

But the case actually brought up a lot of discussion in the county about swinging lifestyles, the concensus being, if you are going to do it, don't bring it into the house. For the most part, when sex begins to go beyond the husband and wife, at some point you are going to encounter someone who takes it even farther than you would like to consider. Thus, you don't give them the opportunitues to know the layout of your house, which rooms your children sleep in, etc.

Im sure a threesome wouldn't lead down this dark road, but the aspect of kid saftey jumped into the conversation, so I thought I would toss out my 2 cents. For me there is Daddy and the Adult, and the seperation has to be distinct, almost independent of each other.

 

[sophia jane]

Im sure a threesome wouldn't lead down this dark road, but the aspect of kid saftey jumped into the conversation, so I thought I would toss out my 2 cents. For me there is Daddy and the Adult, and the seperation has to be distinct, almost independent of each other.

This is a good point. And to be honest, in my dating I don't bring it home. I have yet to introduce a man to my kids, and I have no intention of doing unless I feel it's the right person and the right time. I completely agree that my sex life/adult life needs to be distinct and separate from the home life.