look here

[damppanties]

Hi,

I'm in the middle of writing a story in which the characters don't talk much. Instead, they manage to convey what they mean by 'looks'. You know - the tough type of a guy, the mysterious girl,etc. Now my problem is that there is a lot of look, gaze, glance, stare, gape, watch, gawk and I've exahausted the thesaurus. On looking back at the piece I feel like I should write it differently but I seem to be drawing a blank.

I did a find in the word document and came up with 12 'look's in one and a half pages. That is not good.

Any help?

 

[Pure]

give an example, 100-150 words.

 

[Angusthe bull]

A good way to go as an exercise but as you have found you run into technical issues that are probably unresolvable.
However you have still got a situation, a plot and the characters and thus not all is lost by any manner of means.
For me my characters have to talk to me, they converse with each other and I evesdrop hoping not to forget the best lines.

Best wishes,

Angus the tippytoing bull...

 

[raphy]

Aye, an example would be good to work with.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Toss away the thesaurus. Show, don't tell, baby.

Glaring:

His furious eyes narrowed and audibly ground his teeth together.



One other trick is to format it like you would speech. A short ferinstance:

She crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow.

He ducked his head and gave her toes a sheepish look.

Clenching her jaws tightly together, she tapped her foot.

He peeked up at her from beneath his eyelashes.

She tried to look stern, but knew she failed miserably when he broke into a huge grin.

Rather than:

She crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow. He ducked his head and gave her toes a sheepish look. Clenching her jaws tightly together, she tapped her foot. He peeked up at her from beneath his eyelashes. She tried to look stern, but knew she failed miserably when he broke into a huge grin.

It says the exact same thing, but the pacing is different so it gives the whole thing a different tone and forces the reader to slow down. It also gives it more of a feel of a conversation, rather than just a series of actions, so the reader is more apt to pick up on the cues that this is communication. Of course, that's my opinion.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What KM said.

This is a great opprotunity to start thinking about body language and gesture. The things people do that show how they feel.

When you think about it, just how much of a "look" is conveyed by the eyes alone? Isn't it also the attitude of the head, the eyebrows, the mouth. Instead of giving her an angry look he could say something through clenched teeth. Instead of her looking nervously at him she could fidget with the top button on her blouse. Instead of a look of surprise, his jaw could drop.
Virtually everything a person does says something about how they feel, or can be made to say something about the way they feel. he walks quickly. She sits down abruptly. He runs his fingers through his hair. She drums her fingers.

Save your "looks" for those emotions that can't be described any other way.

---dr.M.

 

[Icingsugar]

Thanks, KM. That was a lession I didn't know I needed. Using body language as a separate language is a great idea, but one thet had never ocurred to me unless beaten over the head with it. Usually all body language I write is nothing but a way to accentuate dialouge. Got me thinking, which is always a good thing. THe outcome of me thinking is an entitrely different issue.

 

[raphy]

(good advice snipped) ...

Of course, that's my opinion.

And therein lies the lesson, gentle reader, and why the Muffin is hallowed and revered in these halls.

Y'know, KM, yours was one of the first stories I *ever* read on Lit, ages ago. Actually 'read' is a misnomer - It was an audio story.

Raph, with deepest respect

 

[wildsweetone]

Is it possible to convey looks between characters using anything other than body language?

How about using the senses?

Can the look of distain be heard? Maybe he snorts through his nostrils.

Can the look of fear be smelled? A sudden sting in her airways.

What feeling causes the taste of iron on the tongue?

 

[destinie21]

I agree with KM and DR m on this one .



an example based on KM's earlier example


Her disdain couldn’t have been more palpable from the arch of one raised eyebrow to the snort of derision
that came from her slightly flared nostrils. Her usually soft lips had gone into a hard line and unless he was mistaken, she was at this very moment grinding her teeth.


He did his best to look repentant. Giving his toes a sheepish look as he furrowed his brow.
ect..


that exercise was really more for me but I figured I'd post it anyhow

 

[damppanties]

an example

Tara heard Jim’s gasp and the sidekicks’ snickers. She waited a minute, staring at Sleeveless jacket before shrugging off her backpack very deliberately. The motion caused the printed material of her dress to stretch taut over her middle-sized breasts. Sleeveless jacket’s eyes left her stare to glance down at them for a second before jumping back to her. She gave no indication of noticing the fleeting look as she opened the zipper and rummaged within. Her hand encountered the money bound with a rubber band and she pulled it out, her eyes never leaving his. Tossing the bundle to him, she began to close the zipper. “Count it,” she instructed.

Sleeveless jacket broke their look and gawked at the roll he had reflexively caught. Tara could plainly see doubt and indecision on his face along with the look a child has when denied a treat. It was clear that he would have liked nothing better than to beat the shit out of Jim. After a second’s hesitation, he pulled the rubber band off the pack of currency and started counting it. Tara never took her gaze off him even though she was aware of curious stares from all around the clearing. Their little clash had attracted quite a lot of attention by now.

He finished counting and looked up at Tara. “Two thousand.” He waited a moment before rushing on, “But that really doesn’t cover it up.”

Tara never broke her look, daring him to up the outrageous amount she had already given him.

That seems too much in the look and see department. Is there any other way to do it without my spending sleepless nights about it?

KM, thanks. What you said was definitely valuable but what I have here is a verbal conversation going on which is quite different from the other messages being sent. The speech appoach was too good though I have a feeling it would sound too choppy in here.

sweetone, you gave me something to think about.

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

There are probably other ways of handling it, but here's
one:
Save the story somewhere in present form, and then go back
over it. Everywhere you now have a significant "look,"
write what the character actually did.
If he looked intimidating, did he scowl, or bunch his fists,
or stare directly at the other character?
Did she look enticing by fluttering her eylashes?
Did the mouth tighten, or quirk upward at the edges?

 

[Pure]

Tara heard Jim’s gasp and the sidekicks’ snickers. She waited a minute, staring at Sleeveless jacket before deliberately shrugging off her backpack; her dress momentarily stretched taut over her breasts which drew Sleeveless' glance before his eyes returned to hers.There was no indication that Sara had noticed as she opened the zipper and rummaged within. Her hand came upon the money bound with a rubber band and she pulled it out, her eyes never leaving his. She tossed the bundle to him, as she began to close the zipper. “Count it.”

Sleeveless jacket broke their look and gawked at the roll he had reflexively caught. Tara could plainly see his doubt and indecision; disappointment, too, the features of a child who's been refused a treat. It was clear that he would have liked nothing better than to beat the shit out of Jim. After a brief hesitation, he pulled the rubber band off the bundle and started counting. Tara never took her gaze from him despite curious stares from around the clearing. Their clash had attracted a lot of attention.

He finished counting and looked up at her. “Two thousand.” He waited a moment, then quickly added, “But that really doesn’t cover it up.”

Tara's eyes engaged his, daring him to up the outrageous amount she had already given him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Pure, I went over your passage and compared it to mine to get an idea of what you did. It does seem better. Thanks for the lesson.

Angus, nice to see you tippytoing in here.

doc, good advice, as always.

destinie, liked the way you picture-painted in my head there.

UP, thanks too.

 

[FlyontheWall99]

Hi,

I'm in the middle of writing a story in which the characters don't talk much. Instead, they manage to convey what they mean by 'looks'. You know - the tough type of a guy, the mysterious girl,etc. Now my problem is that there is a lot of look, gaze, glance, stare, gape, watch, gawk and I've exahausted the thesaurus. On looking back at the piece I feel like I should write it differently but I seem to be drawing a blank.

I did a find in the word document and came up with 12 'look's in one and a half pages. That is not good.

Any help?

It depends on whether the word "look" becomes a constant distraction. If you find it ringing out loud every time you read it, chances are it is repetitive and distracting. Although because you've noticed it, you're probably not in the best position. You should look at getting an editor or someone you trust to read over it and see if they identify it (without coercion) as an issue ....

Back to writing ...

Fly ....

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Fly. I have posted an example from the text up there. The looks in there looked too much to me. I do try to do the best before I get it to an editor. It didn't look very good to me, so I wanted to get it sorted out. Thanks for the reply though.