Longboat Of Love

[Icingsugar]

"I blew the horn, set the engine on full throttle and steered my Longboat Of Love into her luscious Fjord Of Desire."

Now what the hell is that?

It's me, writing a totally bonged out luuuv scene. I planning on writing a humorous piece about a writer of erotica for some magazine who has trouble getting 'those parts' to sound right. (It's all about his own lack of own experience finally draining him of ideas and inspiration, and his editor deciding to do something about that...)

The problem is that I too am drained of ideas. Ideas for really sucky preferrably hilarious sex descriptions. Can you guys help me out?

Used contribution will of course be duly credited, or it that's your bag, I can cast you as a character.

So come on, give me your worst!

 

[oggbashan]

DurtGurl is the greatest

Try looking at the posted works of DurtGurl.

If nothing else they will give you examples of what NOT to write.

Og

PS. Longboats should have about forty hefty oarsmen, not an engine. Do they catch crabs?

 

[Quasimodem]

"Blowing my conch, I raised all sails upon the mast, my Longboat of Love beating before a following gale, as I steered toward the safe harbour of her luscious Fjord of Desire."

A little less 20th Century, but equally ridiculous.

 

[champagne1982]

His lust drove him against her. His hips battered at the tender shoots of her spring time garden like golfball-sized hailstones.

or

She rolled over and the bright pink recesses of her seashell gleamed invitingly, he sank into her; a hermit crab making himself a new home.

 

[MathGirl]

I kiked down the dor and camed in her fase. Then I took the skin boat to tuna town.
Poetically,
MG

 

[dr_mabeuse]

There are plenty of ways to write bad sex.

--Try eliminating all adjectives and adverbs, or go the opposite way: go purple and stuff the writing with all the adjectives and adverbs you can

--Write everything in simple, declarative sentences

--Chew the scenery with a lot of swooning and gasping, heaving breasts and quaking thighs, blood thundering in people's ears.

--Come up with one inept term and beat it to death. (I remember an old paperback from some one-handed library where everyone was always "driving their fingers" against everyone else. Characters would even ask for it by name, as in "Drive those fingers, baby! Drive them!") After a while you couldn't help but laugh.

--Put in a lot of hair. (I know that there are some people that like this, but it always turns me right off.)

--My own favorite, though, is a sure-fire way to write badly about almost anything, and this is the overextended metaphor. You see this a lot in older porn where everything was done in terms of euphimisms. So you might describe the sex in terms of a sporting event ("The count was full and the crowd held its breath as I stepped up to the plate. I knew I had but one shot and so I swung for the fences...") or her body in terms of a landscape (The commanding heights of her towering breasts, the swampy morass of her sex...")

--Euphimism itself usually leads to ridiculous prose. Throbbing manhood always does it for me.

I'm working on a piece that describes a seduction in terms of a military operation, with preliminary reconassaince to determine the woman's soft spots, the use of chemical agents (wine and scented candles), establishing a beachead on her breasts and sending a socuting party inside her blouse, you get the idea.

But I think the funniest stuff for me is the inapt expression that catches you up short. That's 'inapt', not 'inept'. You want the language to be just a little bit off. "Nipple-capped breasts" comes to mind, as does "manly testicles", or "pulsing vaginal lips" I know there are tons more.

Kind of amazing how much I know about writing bad porn...


---dr.M.

 

[MathGirl]

Originally posted by dr_mabeuse Kind of amazing how much I know about writing bad porn

Dear Dr M,
I never cease to be impressed at your knowledge.
Adoxologically,
MG
Ps. Having freshly sheared sheep in the story is almost always a mistake.

 

[Chicklet]

I kiked down the dor and camed in her fase. Then I took the skin boat to tuna town.
Poetically,
MG

you're a genius, you know.








yes, i know you know.

 

[Guest]

She looked at him and in her best white-trash vocalizing rang out, "Swab me deck, matey and open all the hatches."

(Don't credit me, please.)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Dear Dr M,
I never cease to be impressed at your knowledge.
Adoxologically,
MG
Ps. Having freshly sheared sheep in the story is almost always a mistake.

Just jealous of my manly testicles, aren't you?

 

[MathGirl]

Just jealous of my manly testicles, aren't you?

Dear Dr M,
Emm, yes, of course. Hey, didn't I just catch a glimpse of you in the "D" section over at Forthright's? I'm still in the Bs.
MG

 

[Icingsugar]

She rolled over and the bright pink recesses of her seashell gleamed invitingly, he sank into her; a hermit crab making himself a new home.

I really don't know exactly why, but that one was just horrible...


Mabeuse, very educational indeed. I'm impressed, and plan to take full advantageof the vast ocean of knowledge you posess..

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Skin long boat"...

*denying up my nationality*

 

[dr_mabeuse]

"The rapid pumping of his manly scumbone in her womanly cooze filled the room with a loud squelching sound, as if someone was going at a clogged toilet with a soft rubber plunger..."

---from the DurtGurl Style Guide, p 332


---dr.M.

 

[MathGirl]

"The rapid pumping of his manly scumbone in her womanly cooze filled the room with a loud squelching sound, as if someone was going at a clogged toilet with a soft rubber plunger..."
---from the DurtGurl Style Guide, p 332

Dear Dr M,
That was lovely, poetic, lyrical. Another contribution to literature by a valued member of the DG Group.
MG, Secretary