Long Time Reader, First Time Writer Needing Feedback

[LordOfHell]

Hi all.

I'm a new writer here, although I've been reading erotic literature on this site and others for years now. I just published my first work on the site, and I wanted you all to take a look and tell me what you think. I'm writing a mother/son incest story with what I hope to be sympathetic and complex characters. The sex is a little few and far between, but I hope I make up for it with descriptiveness and detail.

So here's the link to Chapter 01, and I've already got Chapter 02 pending. I enjoy instructive criticism, and I'm not afraid to take suggestions, so please feel free.

http://www.literotica.com/s/ariadnes-dreams-ch-01


Thanks to all who can provide a reply!

 

[Errantry]

I am new to these boards but not to writing. I'll take a crack at some advice.

You turn a decent phrase. You move the narrative along briskly. There are some distracting grammatical problems.

"Barry, was only seven, but"... -- improper comma usage
"You'll do," she whispered, resting her head against her knees. For now." -- improper quotation usage

Those are sidelines to my two major issues.

First, you commit repeated show-don't-tell violations. I'll give an example.

"Over time, Barry grew into a fine young man. Rebellious to a fault, but kind-hearted. He was stubborn and rarely listened when his mother told him to do something, but he was wise enough to avoid anything unsavory."

Don't tell us Barry is a fine young man, rebellious to a fault, kind-hearted, etc. Show us Barry being those things. We'll respect your characters more if we come to these conclusions on our own.

Second, the greater sin, Ari is a total cliche. She is a grieving widow who gets overly close to her son. We should like her or at least find her intriguing. And frankly, I don't. If she is the lynchpin of your story (and she should be with her name in the title) then find something to make her memorable.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. Daring to subject your writing to public scrutiny is commendable. I just think there are some major issues that need to be addressed.

Regardless keep on writing,
Errantry

 

[LordOfHell]

Thanks for the critique. I'll make a serious effort to improve the points you mentioned.