Long time, no post

[sb2009]

I know.

I've posted some at Fet but haven't been really posting anywhere.

And, like a bad friend, I'm back here posting because i'm sad, lonely, scared and neither of the people in this mess come here.

And i'm so overwrought that i really can't even get the whole story out tonight.

Suffice it to say that ShibariCon went badly. Very very badly. My husband and I met there, and he brought his sub. I had met her more than month earlier when he brought her home for a quick visit that was uncomfortable (but we assumed it was because I was recovering from a long illness and was so tired I could not stand up, let alone be a good hostess).

The first thing I noticed at when we met up at Chicago is that he was on a very very short fuse. shorter than I've ever seen him, even when he got back from Iraq. And everything she said, he snapped at, then she snapped back, and it was a full on yell and then cry fight within an hour. this was repeated several times.

I was freaking out. I hadn't spent a minute alone with him since Christmas, and he was this stranger. I kept leaving the hotel room saying I would be back in "half an hour" so that they could figure out what they were fighting about and we could go have fun.

A friend from Fet had asked to borrow me for her husband for a class, and since there were three of us, my husband agreed so that he and his sub could take another class together. But after the class, his sub took me aside and said that my husabnd was jealous and in tears over seeing someone else tie me up. WTF? very odd, not like him.

Things got so freaky. At one point we were relaxing and talking about feelings and he suddenly said that I was "a burden and he was so tired of carrying me." (me, the one taking care of the house and kids while he is living in another state, working and has a live in sub.)
I was scared and shocked and asked if there was a way he could lighten the burden but we could still be a family for the kids. We just laid there until it was my turn for the shower.

During my shower I heard (again) screaming and crying and came out to see wtf was happening - he had told her that I had said I was filing for divorce and he was leaving her once shibaricon was over.

At that point, I was totally beyond dealing. I did NOT know what to do. He left the room and siad he'd be back. This all happend in the first 24 hours. She started to talk to me, saying that he badmouths me, says I'm a bad wife, that he says he's been unhappy for years. That there have been multiple affairs (with my friends, she said) before we opened the marriage. I was even more shocked.

I did what seemed like made sense at the time. I changed my train ticket and came home.

I abandoned them and ruined ShibariCon. But I was so freaked out. Never in a million years would I have expected my husband to behave like that.

When I got home and felt safe, i got angry. I texted them, telling them they were assholes and that thier bickering and fighting scared me and I told them they were fucking jerks, etc.

So...now I'm numb and scared and sick to death of the drama.

And I wonder wtf...what happened? When did I become such a bad person that he would complain to someone outside of our marraige about me?

 

[CutieMouse]

1) YOU did NOT "ruin" ShibariCon. Period. End of story. Do not pass go. do not collect $200.
2) I'm sorry you're suffering.
3) I might be off here, but from an outside perspective, this sounds like an issue of a poisonous third + a weak primary. BTDT, with the matching set of alligator luggage [baggage] to show for it. If you want to PM me, please do.

My advice would be to take a deep breath, sort the weekends events out as clinically as possible, and decide if you want to work things out or not.

If you do - therapy. [together]

If you don't - therapy. [your own]

ETA- his "complaining to someone outside our marriage" does NOT make you a bad person. To hear my ex-husband talk during the last few years of our marriage, I was the worst wife on the planet. I wasn't a good enough housekeeper, I wasn't supportive enough [of him], the children had no discipline, etc... and everyone agreed with him. The POOR MAN!! of course in the midst of all those conversations about what a bad wife I was, he always forgot to point out the decisions he made that impacted my ability to meet the standards he felt were acceptable.

 

[Keroin]

1) YOU did NOT "ruin" ShibariCon. Period. End of story. Do not pass go. do not collect $200.
2) I'm sorry you're suffering.
3) I might be off here, but from an outside perspective, this sounds like an issue of a poisonous third + a weak primary. BTDT, with the matching set of alligator luggage [baggage] to show for it. If you want to PM me, please do.

My advice would be to take a deep breath, sort the weekends events out as clinically as possible, and decide if you want to work things out or not.

If you do - therapy. [together]

If you don't - therapy. [your own]

ETA- his "complaining to someone outside our marriage" does NOT make you a bad person. To hear my ex-husband talk during the last few years of our marriage, I was the worst wife on the planet. I wasn't a good enough housekeeper, I wasn't supportive enough [of him], the children had no discipline, etc... and everyone agreed with him. The POOR MAN!! of course in the midst of all those conversations about what a bad wife I was, he always forgot to point out the decisions he made that impacted my ability to meet the standards he felt were acceptable.

Agree on all of this, especially the bold. And don't worry about being a "bad friend" SB, you have a real life too, like all of us. I'm just glad you trusted us enough to confide.

You did the right thing by leaving. I can't think of one single thing you could have done to make that situation better and there is no way anyone was going to have any "fun" after all that.

This is big and you need an objective third party to discuss this with. Whether or not your husband comes along. Take care of yourself sweety. The pm box is always open.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds like he's bipolar, sweetie.That's WTF happened. You say he was on tour? Call the veterans admin, tell them he's not acting right. They'll say "what else is new?" but maybe you can get some kind of attention for him. Or for yourself, they owe you that.

Whatever is going on with him has NOTHING to do with you. Its all in his head. You are no kind of "bad person," because if you were he would have faced you. He wouldn't have been complaining behind your back.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Samantha, when someone treats you with disrespect, it does not mean - not one little bit - that you are worthy of poor treatment.

It only means that they treated you with disrespect.

Whatever happens from here on out with this, I hope you will remember that.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I haven't said this before because you were trying to work things out but this is not the first time I've seen signs of him being emotionally abusive to you. I agree with everything said, but I think you need to, no matter what happens, work on your self esteem. If you two decide to stay together he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself because he's 'stuck' with you. He's not stuck with you, he's blessed with you, and if he thinks he can find someone better let him try. No one 'worthy' of him will put up with his crap.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Everyone who's already spoken have given you really sound advice. It's hard right now, but once you take a deep breath and start sorting through it, I hope you come to see that what you described was most definitely not a reflection on you. You are not a bad person just because he can't be honest. If someone can't be honest with you, that's their failure, not yours.

I think it was not only smart, but also brave to get yourself out of there. It was braver still to open up here. Good luck to you.

 

[ImOnIt]

Samantha, when someone treats you with disrespect, it does not mean - not one little bit - that you are worthy of poor treatment.

It only means that they treated you with disrespect.

Whatever happens from here on out with this, I hope you will remember that.

Seconded. If someone is a dick to you, it doesn't mean you deserve it. It means they're being a dick.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I abandoned them and ruined ShibariCon. But I was so freaked out. Never in a million years would I have expected my husband to behave like that.

You didn't abandon them. You just didn't put up with their shit.

Please talk with a counselor. Remember too that he isn't the only one that decides if you work it out or not. You need to decide if that is what you want and what would become a deal breaker.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't have much to add to the great advice you have gotten already.

Just wanted to add my hugs and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I will add as a fellow military spouse whose husband has been deployed and is suffering from PTSD the VA can help, but only if he wants help. Urge him to get help whether you stay with him or not.

My pm box is always open.

 

[rida]

First of all {{{hugs}}}.
Second, you did not ruin anything. If anything they ruined your Shibaricon experience.

It seems you arrived in the middle of a stormy time in their relationship, and you have nothing to blame yourself for it. You have actually being very gracious in giving them space to sort themselves out. They, on the other hand, put you smack in the middle of it all. You surely acted as the only sensible grown up there.

Relationships are hard. Open relationships are harder and LD relationships have their own set of extra hardship. With a couple it takes two people to act mature and work on keeping the relationship. With a triad it takes three, and it also create a lot of gossiping opportunities.

Personally I believe that the sub telling you all the negative things your husband had been telling her about you, was inappropriate and out of place. I also believe that, even though everybody has the right to vent and complain about their partner, in a relationship setting such yours, it should be done with more maturity and by discussing the proper issues with the appropriate partner and not with the 3rd one.

Now you need to simply focus on yourself and think about what you want and what you need.

And remember, you are human and are not perfect but you are a very good person, a very good mom and a very good wife.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Samantha,

What the posters above have said, I'll second, third, fourth, whatever. They're spot on. From everything we know of you, this was NOT something you initiated or caused. It's something HE caused, and maybe he and the sub initiated. That makes CM's "weak primary" comment all the more apropos.

From those who mentioned contacting the VA, it's probably better if *he* does so, but certainly you can try to contact their OEF/OIF office - most large VA facilites will have their own office; smaller ones will have contact information - and ask them to get in touch with him. I don't recall if you have mentioned if he's still active duty or not. If so, you could tell him that if he doesn't contact someone in a counseling capacity on his base, you *will* contact his CO or XO regarding your concerns about his stability. Make sure he knows you'll follow through if he doesn't. That should make him get in touch with a counseling service ASAP, if he has any desire to move even one step further in the military. His going "on his own," OTOH, will not have the same effect. The military has become much more humanly understanding that their members sometimes have issues that need to be worked out, and that getting them worked out does not make the person a less effective soldier.

You too need counseling, whether in concert with him or on your own. If he's active duty, you should have at least *some* access to military (free or low-cost) services. Get them.

As with several of the others, my PM box is open (though sometimes I'm a little slow responding - usually not more than a couple of days, though).

 

[midwestyankee]

Let me add my ration of hugs here, too.

Not sure if I can add a whole lot of value to the discussion as you've already received some truly excellent replies. However, I can tell you from very painful personal experience that when someone begins to question whether he or she wants to stay in a relationship, it's very easy to rationalize the questions by blaming their partner and presuming total innocence of all fault within the relationship. It's an ugly way to think and behave, but it happens. And, I can also tell you, it's a tough mindset to overcome from within.

While kink is not likely central to whatever rifts in your relationship led to this episode, it's certainly an essential part of the story. You may find it more comfortable to work with a kink-aware therapist or counselor. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom maintains a list of kink-aware professionals in many areas, including counselors. You can search their listings by state, too.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I know that you don't know me, but I just had to say that I am sorry for your strains and struggles with all of this... there really is no deeper pain than heartache steeped in betrayal. I wish that I had heaps of great advice or answers for you, but instead I will share the thoughts that came to mind that tend to help me the most in the midst of interpersonal conflict...

"Their shit is THEIR shit, your shit is YOUR shit." Do not own his shit...you are only responsible for yours. You can't be held copable for his choices or emotions, you are only responsible for managing yours.

"If you wait, people will always show you who they are." Now you know...and now, or very soon you will know what to do. Just keep trusting yourself.

"You know the truth of what happened to you." Don't let anyone, including yourself, talk you out of that. Your wounds do not need to be measured against or justified in any way or by anyone to warrant your choice to protect yourself. You did what was right for you, and that isn't easy with much simpler situations... so do be proud of that.

Please do not hesitate to continue to reach out to get the help and support you need to work through this until you find your footing again, however long that takes. In the mean time, please remember to feed and nurture yourself with all of the soul food, compassion, patience, and love you deserve...which is as obscene amount really, so don't hold back.

 

[DVS]

You don't need my input here, but I will at least say that if you know your husband's behavior is unusual, it could be he's emotionally troubled by something and just acting out. Look into getting help for him, as Sir Winston suggested.

You didn't ruin anything. It seems this was brewing between your husband and the sub before you even got on scene. From your account of the events, leaving was the only sensible thing to do. Arguing and screaming doesn't accomplish anything except a hoarse throat.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I have nothing useful to add, but *hugs*

 

[intothewoods]

Agree on all of this, especially the bold. And don't worry about being a "bad friend" SB, you have a real life too, like all of us. I'm just glad you trusted us enough to confide.

You did the right thing by leaving. I can't think of one single thing you could have done to make that situation better and there is no way anyone was going to have any "fun" after all that.

This is big and you need an objective third party to discuss this with. Whether or not your husband comes along. Take care of yourself sweety. The pm box is always open.

Ditto on the ditto, and also this:

Sounds like he's bipolar, sweetie.That's WTF happened. You say he was on tour? Call the veterans admin, tell them he's not acting right. They'll say "what else is new?" but maybe you can get some kind of attention for him. Or for yourself, they owe you that.

Whatever is going on with him has NOTHING to do with you. Its all in his head. You are no kind of "bad person," because if you were he would have faced you. He wouldn't have been complaining behind your back.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

Samantha,
Ditto to all of the above and (((((HUGS)))))

I recently left my emotionally abusive husband and for many many years i thought i deserved his treatment .... with the support of wonderful caring friends i started doing research about emotional abuse and started to see through the fog under which i had been living. Please find a strength in yourself to see that you are valued and wonderful and don't deserve to be treated poorly by anyone! Best of luck and pm me if you ever want to vent.

 

[sb2009]

Wow....Im so incredibly touched by all these replies, so much.

I really don't wan't to paint him as the "bad guy" and the only way I can explain it, is that, well, since the last deployment he HAS been a bit of a dick. And sometimes a real dick. And right now, a total one.

He's retired now, and has a really stressful job, so I know he's acting out about the stress at the very least.

I do see a therapist but, as great as she is, she is NOT kink friendly and I find myself fabricating situations that sort of come close to things I *really* want to talk about, and that's not going to work for this. I do think it's time to get a therapist who I can be really honest with.

I am going to remember to be a grown up though, and not say the mean things I really want to say, etc, because, if worse does come to worst, I want to make sure *I* am the grownup in the courtroom, when a judge is deciding about my kids! (though I can honestly say it would be his worst nightmare to have custody of the kids....he freely and fully admits I do all the parenting...)

I'm also watching my meds and making sure I don't cycle manic or depressed due to the drama...

Thanks again everyone, so much. It's amazing how great people on a *sex board* are!

 

[ultramarineblue]

I do see a therapist but, as great as she is, she is NOT kink friendly and I find myself fabricating situations that sort of come close to things I *really* want to talk about, and that's not going to work for this. I do think it's time to get a therapist who I can be really honest with.

I hope you find one. If there are any in my area, they aren't listed on the site MWY listed. I know exactly what you're talking about and it certainly doesn't help treat the entire you. Lots of hugs and you're welcome to pm me ANY time.

 

[midwestyankee]

I hope you find one. If there are any in my area, they aren't listed on the site MWY listed. I know exactly what you're talking about and it certainly doesn't help treat the entire you. Lots of hugs and you're welcome to pm me ANY time.

I think there might be an even better list out there. When I looked for a kink-aware counselor I found quite a few in my immediate area. Granted, I live in the third largest city in the country, but I was still surprised by the large number of choices.

 

[graceanne]

I do see a therapist but, as great as she is, she is NOT kink friendly and I find myself fabricating situations that sort of come close to things I *really* want to talk about, and that's not going to work for this. I do think it's time to get a therapist who I can be really honest with.

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/ki...irectory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14

 

[gigi1968]

To find a kink friendly professional, talk to those that also are involved in local munch groups. Ask around, others will let you know, and possibly can pull together a local list.

I live 2 hours away from a major city. I did let my primary physician know about my kinks not long ago. I am at a point, if people don't understand then Don't Ask! I will explain, it is not abuse, but when I get flogged or have knives used on me it releases pent up stress for me, therefore releasing anxiety.

As a veteran, talk with VA and see if anything can be done. He is more than likely having issues with PTSD....I have had similar issues even though I never went to the sandbox. If anything they may be able to give you advice on things that may help.

Best wishes.

 

[sb2009]

I did find one, who is willing to do sessions via skype/phone, etc.

he's an out network provider so I have to get over that hurdle with Tim, being worried about money. But i'm giving it a try!

 

[Stella_Omega]

And a whole bouquet more of