Long time listener, first time caller

[romanticwench]

Or more appropriately, long time writer, first time poster

Hi everyone

I'm really excited to find a forum for feedback on the stories that are presented here. The votes are nice but won't really tell you what areas could use improvement, or what parts really rock.

I have a several stories available but I'll start with the most recent. It's told in the first person (a new technique for me) and whatever feedback you all could offer would really be helpful.


Thanks!

"Arrested Development"

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=96629

 

[Evangeline]

arrested development

You have some sexy ideas in your story, and you really make an attempt to bring the reader into your character's mind. But a lot of your mechanics are off, and it makes it distracting and confusing.

example:

It was a summer day not unlike many a summer day that came before it; hot, somewhere between fry an egg on the sidewalk hot and the surface of the sun hot. And sticky, unbearably sticky. Though clouds loomed in the horizon there wasn't relief of rain anywhere in my general vicinity. I think I'd drained the local water well of all it's cold water by taken a dozen showers that morning. Still I sat drenched in a light summer dress, wondering why I'd ever bought that leather sofa. And it was only eight am.

better:

It was a summer day, not unlike many a summer day that came before it; hot, somewhere betweenfry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk hot and the-surface-of-the-sun hot. And sticky, unbearably sticky. Though clouds loomed in the horizon, the promised relief of rain never came. It seemed impossible that the dozen-or-so showers I'd already taken hadn't drained the local water supply. Still, here I sat, my light summer dress soaked through, wondering why I'd ever bought that leather sofa. And it was only eight am.

You have long stretches where you use run-on sentences, and some of your thoughts seem to come out of nowhere.

example:

Leaving the top down in the convertible I tooled around my quiet town generating my own kind of breeze since Mother Nature was obviously asleep on the job.

better:

Leaving the top down in the convertible, I tooled around my quiet town. I had to generate my own kind of breeze, since Mother Nature was obviously asleep on the job.

example:

It was useless by then. Every nerve was alive and tingling. That lightweight cotton dress was now teasing my sensitive nipples. Without a bra the feather light brushes felt like fingertips. I began to groan. Suddenly the hunger for human touch was overwhelming me. Had a man walked past me at this point, I'd have drug him to the bushes, pushed him on the ground, released his cock and buried it in my hungry pussy.

What are kids doing in a park?? It's just not fair. I need to be fucked... and soon!

comment:

I could go through the grammar and punctuation issues again, but they are the same ones as above. But in the first paragraph you make a specific mention that her dress is soaking wet and stuck to her skin. Now suddenly it's dry and brushing her nipples? And you go from the thought of dragging some guy into the bushes and fucking him to kids being in the park? It's just out of the blue.

It seems like you were trying to give this story a dream-like quality, but it doesn't quite work. Since so much of the beginning is in the narrator's head, it might read better if there were no conversation at all with the police officers. She is so hungry for sex that all the first officer would have to do would be to silently unzip his fly. Then the second officer would come upon them, size up the situation, and wordlessly join the fun. This could continue the "dreamy" quality of the story, and let the reader try to guess whether it's really happening, or if it's her imagination.

It's a nice "first draft", but it would be better if you could rework it, with special attention to spelling and grammar. You want the reader to focus on the story, not the mechanics and structure.

Good luck!

E-

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The hyphenation Evangeline suggests isn't always an option: further down you've got

And not just your run of the mill sex, I'm talking howl at the moon sex, leaving permanent claw marks in the back of your favorite boy toy sex.

The third one shouldn't be hyphenated, so leave the others. If it was more formal writing you wouldn't do it like this, but it's fine for this tone.

The kids made sense to me. She goes to a park. There are kids. They're a nuisance being there.

Actually I can't find any major problems with it. Most new writers have tics, mannerisms or faults that just get repeated over and over again. Nothing annoying like that sticks out of yours.

You need to read more carefully:

I think I'd drained the local water well of all it's cold water by taken a dozen showers that morning.

taken -> taking; it's -> its; and is it really called a 'water well' where you are? I've never heard the expression even for an actual well, never mind for a municipal water supply. And that repetition of 'water' could be avoided. It's not a repetition you want, unlike that of 'hot' above it.

I can't see any run-on sentences, though you have the wrong verb form 'facing' (or the wrong conjunction 'and') in and beyond that the bathrooms facing the tall brush. Either with the toilets facing... or and the toilets faced... (Goodness me, do you really say bathrooms even for park toilets? )

One hand on his holster, his walk talkie the other.

...You need to reread more carefully.

Okay, this looks run-on, though it's technically justifiable, but it's misleading:

Sarg dove in yet again, this time moving his tongue fast and hard over my clit, his finger darting inside making me crazy, bringing me right up to the edge and then once again backing away.

That starts with the reading that he dived in again, moving his tongue..., his finger darting, and his... wait, what of his is bringing...? It looks like parallel clauses with 'moving', 'darting', 'bringing', and 'backing', but actually they nest differently. Main clauses: he dived, he moved his tongue, and his finger darted. But it looks like 'his finger' is a second object of 'moving', and 'bringing' and 'backing' actually qualify his finger, or even his finger's darting. But because they all end in -ing they give a false impresssion of being in parallel.

 

[requerdos]

Its a nice dream. Girl gets horny, girl goes to park, girl gets ravaged by men in uniform. What could be better?

I think what could make it better is to recognize what this really is: A Rescue Operation. Yes, crazy as it seems: A Rescue Operation. Follow me a minute.

Let the car be more than a vehicle of transport. Maybe let it be a vehicle of desire, no? She's on a sex DRIVE, right? Let the "drive" pun work as metaphor in the first half of the story. The wind can bring relief of the inescapable heat while the flapping of the light cotton brings relief to her sensory deprivation (like the "thousand fingers" on her scalp... that's the idea!). Go into deatil about how the DRIVE helps her to escape both issues simultaneously. Even the tall grass and bugs could become elements of touch and stimulation. Inserting just a few more details toward that goal could easily make it clear.

The metaphor to begin the next part could be the seclusion of the "abandoned side of the park". Its easy to see that this is the abandoned side of herself: her sex life. Paint the picture vividly as her memories of "boy toys" are triggered by the childrens' game playing, "howling at the moon" triggered by the breeze blowing through the trees, and perhaps a passionate memory of a past lover ripping her shirt buttons as she now cautiously handles each one down her dress.

Then describe the total silence and barrenness when she reaches the boulder. Let its features and environment complement the loneliness in her heart: flat, hard, devoid of passion, vulnerable. The familiarity of these sensations can assure her that she has arrived at the right place. She is alone. How sad.

Until the Rescue Heroes arrive just in time! This is a rescue, remember?

Let jail represent sexual exile and the guarantee of no comfy leather sofa or strong chested men. Her cuffed hands should be enough to induce both her strong fear of going to jail and a frantic plea to be rescued from further sexual deprivation. When she finally begs for help (at the climax of her understaning) the men in uniform are there to "Serve and Protect", so to speak. Let her scream, let her cry, let her cheer that her would-be captors have become her liberators.

Then the sexual scene, while very hot, simply becomes the detailed account of the rescue operation.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.....

requerdos

 

[romanticwench]

Thanks everyone!

I appreciate the thoughtful and helpful critiques given. I'll keep those in mind as I rework it.

You guys rock

 

[Evangeline]

The kids made sense to me. She goes to a park. There are kids. They're a nuisance being there.

Yes, I understood that. I was merely pointing out that without any sort of transitional sentence, it seemed to come out of nowhere.

example:

Had a man walked past me at this point, I'd have drug him to the bushes, pushed him on the ground, released his cock and buried it in my hungry pussy.

What are kids doing in a park?? It's just not fair. I need to be fucked... and soon!

better:

Had a man walked past me at this point, I'd have dragged him into the bushes, pushed him to the ground, released his cock and buried it in my hungry pussy.

My sexy reverie was shattered as a soccer ball sailed past me.

What are kids doing in the park? Damn! It's just not fair. I need to be fucked... and soon!

With regard to 'dragged' vs. 'drug', colloquialisms should be reserved for dialogue, not expository text.

E-

 

[lyricalcandy]

There were a few technical problems, but all in all I think it was a pretty smooth read. It was simple and to the point ... like most fantasies are. If you want to go back and edit for the technical stuff ... go for it! Personally, I don't know if I would go into too much more deep analysis than that, I kinda like it the way it is.

lyricalcandy

 

[cahab]

With regard to 'dragged' vs. 'drug', colloquialisms should be reserved for dialogue, not expository text.

E-

I could not disagree more. Well I could, but it would be tiresome.

Colloquialisms in expository text in first person are perfectly fitting, if it is in character. Anything within a first person piece is effectively dialogue, and should be read as such.