Long time lesbian...now I'm confused.

[chun_gong]

Let me start by saying I HATE LABLES! This is probably where my confusion and frustration are coming from, honestly.

About me (quickly):
I was raise to believe that all girls would have a "white wedding" to a man in a church.

I started fooling around with girlfriends when I was 13 or 14 - sometimes using excuses like "oh we were drunk" as we got older.

I look very "femme" (see, a dreaded lable) and ALWAYS had a boyfriend & a trail of guys and men. As a matter of fact, I still have lots of men chasing me. But, I was a virgin to m/f intercourse until I was 17 and he was a guy who I had dated for almost a year.

Finally at 22 I got rid of the annoying & unsatisfying men! (sorry guys - I just don't pick 'em very well ) I never found a guy who could satisfy my emotionally, romantically, or even sexually. The sex thing was usually remedied by a good one nighter fella who was excellent at eating gals. I have never had an orgasm from intercourse. (stinks, right?) So, what it boils down to is I've only been romantically (relationships) linked to women since I ditched the guys. That has made me complete...er, without the sex thing. Keep reading.

Somehow, I have always managed to find ladies who were great people and everything I could want in a relationship...and the sex was okay. I'm pretty into EVERYTHING and these women were always "vanilla". So, I meet a lady who seems to have the whole package. We explored and had fun, but still after 9 years I haven't gotten all I want. Yes, we've talked about it. Even worse, we have suffered from "lesbian bed death" at this point. (myth - but, hey) So, NO SEX!!!

About 3 years ago, I started having urges. Yeah, it turned my world upside down. I was always told that I gave GREAT mind-blowing head. Guys couldn't hold back and I seemed to do all the "perfect" things like swallow and having NO gag reflex. Basically, that was where my urges stopped with men. Intercourse wasn't ever that great & I got a bigger rush sucking guys off. Luckily (or not) I had some "friends" who obliged me, happily. But, I still see that the emotional/mental connection still isn't there for me with men.

So, why in the hell am I craving cock? (sorry to be so blunt) Honestly, if a man had a big enough dick, I would fuck him. (I prefer long guys...it feels good inside and it's more fun giving head too!) Aren't bi's attracted to both sexes for more than fucking? I am 99.999% certain that I will never leave the woman I am with & even if I did, it would be for a man.

This is all way to long anyway, so I have had to give a spotty rundown. Feel free to ask any questions, because my head is swimming!!! Any input?

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Hullo

You sound as confused as I was last year. Most people consider bisexual to mean happily involved with either sex....but that label doesn't fit quite a few of the bisexual women I know personally (myself included). Bi sexual to me means both sexes contribute something to turning you on but you will always have a preference for one or the other. (Even if it's only slight). My preference (like you) is women for emotional, mental and loving but in the course of the years I found that guys play like me more often...so I ended up with guys more than women.

The first thing though is..how does your lady feel about all of this? Have you talked to her about it? Explained the way the past few years have made you feel?
Because honestly, if you don't want to end the relationship (and you haven't told her) you may have no choice in the matter.

Another thing: is it just the physical aspect of bi sex (with guys) that turns you on?
Have you tried to accomplish the same thing with your lady and various toys?

 

[chun_gong]

You sound as confused as I was last year. Most people consider bisexual to mean happily involved with either sex....but that label doesn't fit quite a few of the bisexual women I know personally (myself included). Bi sexual to me means both sexes contribute something to turning you on but you will always have a preference for one or the other. (Even if it's only slight). My preference (like you) is women for emotional, mental and loving but in the course of the years I found that guys play like me more often...so I ended up with guys more than women.

The first thing though is..how does your lady feel about all of this? Have you talked to her about it? Explained the way the past few years have made you feel?
Because honestly, if you don't want to end the relationship (and you haven't told her) you may have no choice in the matter.

Another thing: is it just the physical aspect of bi sex (with guys) that turns you on?
Have you tried to accomplish the same thing with your lady and various toys?

This is where I hang my head in shame. No, we haven't talked about guys. In our "circle", being with a guy is the ULTIMATE betrayal. Everyone is so "about the love" that primal sexual urges are ignored or denied if they involve men. At least IMO. It's like a radical feminist cult that lets male friends in - preferably gay male friends, lol. I didn't really ever think about it that way until I found myself in this so-called situation. (My sexually uninhibited self has been denied for a LONG time!)

So, no, I really DON'T have a choice...not a good one anyway. The risks of getting caught having "flings" are HUGE!!! That ties me up pretty tight - I think that is why this whole concept is so gut-wrenching. Otherwise, I'd probably just "do my thing".

Our communication has been shut-down somewhat as she has been out of the country for the better part of 7 months (2 of which I was over there). We will most likely be MOVING out of the country within the next 6 months. So, it's just the two of us. We have built a great home together... It sounds like I am torn between my sexual side and my emotional side. For some reason they have never come together in my live. At least not for longer than 3 years or so.

You are correct, I believe that I have that misconception about the term "bi". I doknow that people do have a (slight) preference for one sex or the other. I mean, LBGT does have a B in it for a reason. My screw-up with it goes back to that "betrayal" thing that I mentioned before. It would help if I had bi friends or lesbian identified bi's, more specifically. Does that make sense? We practice what we know & stick to what is familiar and simple. The "easy" way just isn't the best way for me, so I'm finding out.

I'm strictly into the physical part of men. Don't get me wrong, I have male friends...but you know what I mean. And, resorting to strictly toys doesn't quite do it for me. I like something to actually feel me back. Plus, giving head to a dildo isn't really that fun. lol

Geez, I feel like I am in therapy! ((I hope that I haven't offended anyone by not expressing my thoughts correctly. If there are rants, please ask questions first. Chances are I just need to communicate more clearly.)) Thanks for the thoughts and making me think, Luna!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Heh, darlin. I know that whole *In our "circle", being with a guy is the ULTIMATE betrayal. Everyone is so "about the love" that primal sexual urges are ignored or denied if they involve men. At least IMO. It's like a radical feminist cult that lets male friends in - preferably gay male friends, lol.* But I have found that it is like that on both sides of the sexual divide (with gay men as well)..Bisex doesn't really make sense to them (or in our case hetero sex) It kind of feels like we are taking away from the lesbian identity. (At least that's what my friends have said when I ask them about it.)

I really wish I could give you better advice. But if you want to keep your primary relationship there is no way I would contribute to helping you *cheat*. (And this is the main reason why I practice polyamoury..cuz I don't think sex has anything to do with the emotional aspects of my relationships...it's a purely physical urge and should be treated as such.)

For the record..last year I decided that I am lesbian with hetero leanings. It fits me far better than poly or bisexual as I only like to play with guys..not date them or love them...(Not that I haven't loved them just my preferences usually preclude that particular thing)

Here's another question: Would your lady see it as betrayal if you talked about it with her? Because if talking about it offends her, it may be that your communication skills have faltered a whole lot and how can you have a good relationship if you are busy keeping parts of your true self..seperate?

Ok...My minor ramble is done..I wish I could offer more help.

Take care

 

[chun_gong]

Luna - YOU ROCK!!! You said so much to *validate* my feelings/misguidings. At least I know I'm not crazy. Actually, you and I sound quite similar.

As for our communication line in my relationship...er, it's out to lunch right now. haha We do have a lot to work on, rebuild, and reconnect. Luckily, we both realize it and are committed to it. Now, yeah, I feel like she would be offended or more likely HURT if I brought up my sexual feelings concerning men. Maybe I am all wrong - and I hope I am, because over time I will most likely find out. This is part of who I am NOW. And, well, we are rebuilding from now.

You may have saved a relationship by making me think about how to be totally happy and totally honest in my relationship. Now is the time to address this if it's ever going to be done.

Thanks again for your wisdom!

Hey - everyone...I still think this is a valid topic. So, although my eyes have opened up here MAYBE there are others out there who have been in this position. What does everyone think? Do you have any different oppinions?

 

[trask9]

Ref: I'm confused

Let me start by saying, "We are all confused at different times in our lifes".
I am married and have been for 33 years now, I also consider myself
Bi as I like certain aspects of sex with men. The emotional romantic me
is connected to females. I love pleaseing a woman and would rather give oral to a woman than a man. Yet I have found that men give better head than women and my wife is not good at it no matter how much I have coaxed her.
I only enjoy oral with men. No hugging, no kissing , no anal. Just raw sex to that point. I prefer sissy men. (No knowing the language of the gays I use that term).
I believe from your writings that you are just at a point in life that we all
go through. The relationship is struggling, sex is poor or none at all.
During my marriage I have been thru all of it several times. Also during those
times I would find a guy to take care of my sexual desires.
I only need guys for sex, thats all. Preferably they give I recieve.
But with a woman I would rather give, I can spend hours giving a sensual
erotic massage that turns sexual and then use my tongue and hands to
bring her to heights she has never experienced. I get great pleasure hearing
a woman scream with orgasm.
I have a better than average cock and know how to bring pleasure with it.
Don't be discourage with your feelings. Its normal and part of the cycle of
life. Talk, experiment, if your a reciever try giving, if your a giver ask for more
from you partner. Never, Never stop talking or discussing the issues.
I wish you luck and happiness.
TJ

 

[mansome]

There are 100's of thousands of people all over the world who marry straight and have children even... Discover their true sexuality later in life and go the gay way....

I don't see why it's so different to start out gay and go the straight or bi way later in life........

please don't worry about labels... just be yourself

 

[Wandadollgirl]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[chun_gong]

Many Thanks!

More great words. Thank you. I think that I have been able to look at this from an outsiders vantage point more easily through this post.

I believe that, yes, my relationship has stalled - in more ways than one. When that has happened previously, my urges DO become stronger...or more noticeable. If I am happy and wrapped up in "us", then I don't pay as much attention to this need that will NEVER be fulfilled in my current relationship.

BUT, er, I still want/need to suck a mans dick. That is the bottom line. Oh, and I saw a thread on "cock worship"...that more accurately describes my intensity and level of interest. This does go way beyond just a blowjob. So, I'm "learning" more all the time.


"round and round she goes - where she stops nobody knows"

 

[DG_Heracles]

....Here's another question: Would your lady see it as betrayal if you talked about it with her? Because if talking about it offends her, it may be that your communication skills have faltered a whole lot and how can you have a good relationship if you are busy keeping parts of your true self..seperate?

Luna! Great point. You completely articulated what I was thinking. This is a point that transcends any label.

C_G, It sounds like you are in this relationship for the long haul which I respect completely. Bringing this topic up could be extremely painful in the short term but probably not as painful as continuing to surpress it long term or, even worse, supressing it and cheating due to a moment of bad judgement. You wouldn't be the first good person to fall prey to this.

I had a difficult time expressing my true feeling to my wife. I still have difficulty broaching the topic. It seems, however, that it is here to stay and I really don't want to pretend it isn't there. Even if I never get to fully act on it, at least we both know it is present.

 

[chun_gong]

DG_H - lol, now you see where my comment to you came from. hehe It is easier for one to offer advice than to follow their own. Don't I fall into that category? Er, yeah...I'm trying to get up the courage!

Thanks!!!! *hugs*

 

[DG_Heracles]

DG_H - lol, now you see where my comment to you came from. hehe It is easier for one to offer advice than to follow their own. Don't I fall into that category? Er, yeah...I'm trying to get up the courage!

Thanks!!!! *hugs*

Regarding advice, the same is true for me.

I know that courage doesn't come easy. I am sending all the good courage vibes I can your way.

 

[Netzach]

Look at the posts made by bi and bicurious men to lit. (no offense guys, I love ya...but this is the trend I spot

About 80% and often higher percentages of these guys are into dick, but not into the guy attached to the dick.

It's totally cool. There's no reason you can't be wired that way too.

 

[PredatorSmile]

I had several relationships with women before I met my current boyfriend, who is a bisexual man, btw. I considered myself lesbian, and I am even the vice president of the GLBT Alliance on campus. Now, I am seeing a guy ! It surprised everyone, including me ! Isn't life odd ? If you had asked me two and half years ago if I thought I'd be sharing my bed with a guy, I would have laughed in your face. Now, it's fait accomplit.

 

[DG_Heracles]

Look at the posts made by bi and bicurious men to lit. (no offense guys, I love ya...but this is the trend I spot

About 80% and often higher percentages of these guys are into dick, but not into the guy attached to the dick.

It's totally cool. There's no reason you can't be wired that way too.

No offense taken. The fact that you spot this trend makes me feel much less like a loner.

 

[Queersetti]

Luna - YOU ROCK!!!

Yeah, she does.

 

[glamorilla]

you are so bi.

 

[kbate]

Chun_gong and PredatorSmile. you'll have to turn in your lesbian credentials at the door on your way out. We can't have any cock sucking in the clubhouse, it upsets the newcomers and it puts some of the older women off their tea. Sorry, but you knew the rules when you signed up. This kind of behaviour simply will not do.

***

Seriously,

Take any label you want. Labels are useful for conversational purposes, but rather useless for defining yourself to yourself.

As for spicing up your sex life; whatever, but if you plan to stay with your current partner, she should be permitted to approve of any 'outside the relationship' sexual encounters, whether they be with males or females.

 

[chun_gong]

I am glad that you have all continued to reply. This is kind of an interesting topic to me now. (ummmm since it HAS been happening to me and all)

Originally Posted by Netzach
Look at the posts made by bi and bicurious men to lit. (no offense guys, I love ya...) but this is the trend I spot:

About 80% and often higher percentages of these guys are into dick, but not into the guy attached to the dick.

It's totally cool. There's no reason you can't be wired that way too.

Netzach - OMG You totally made me laugh. I still have a smile on my face. I'm lovin' it! Thank you.

Originally Posted by PredatorSmile
I considered myself lesbian, and I am even the vice president of the GLBT Alliance on campus. Now, I am seeing a guy ! It surprised everyone, including me ! Isn't life odd ? If you had asked me two and half years ago if I thought I'd be sharing my bed with a guy, I would have laughed in your face.

PredatorSmile - Oh great! Now you have me in a total panic. The thought that I might actually have to share my life with a MAN!!! lol Just kidding. You are right though, life is odd. I am glad that you have stayed true to yourself by loving who you love and maintaining your position with the GLBT. It just goes to show that lables don't always work... Thanks for sharing. (you do realize that you might truly have me scared though - hahahaha)

Originally Posted by glamorilla
you are so bi.

glam - er, thanks a lot. You did make me laugh though. (Lables belong on clothes, not people. How generic & lame is that? VERY )

Originally Posted by kbate
Chun_gong and PredatorSmile. you'll have to turn in your lesbian credentials at the door on your way out. We can't have any cock sucking in the clubhouse, it upsets the newcomers and it puts some of the older women off their tea. Sorry, but you knew the rules when you signed up. This kind of behaviour simply will not do.

Originally Posted by kbate
if you plan to stay with your current partner, she should be permitted to approve of any 'outside the relationship' sexual encounters, whether they be with males or females.

kbate - Thanks for the chuckle - that honestly is how I have been feeling. But, you are right about my partner...she deserves nothing less than that from me. I guess that I just kept waiting for my "urges" to go away. (Sad, I know)

Thanks again, all!

 

[gingermango]

I guess that I just kept waiting for my "urges" to go away. (Sad, I know)

Thanks again, all!

I just discovered your thread - you were dead right from the beginning - labels are seriously Bad-with-a-capital-B in any kind of sexual relationship. You like what you like and provided if involves consenting adults, so what? Don't get boxed in inside your own head, and more to the point, don't let others' labels box you in as well.

Now, to the part I quoted above: please don't think urges "go away." They don't. I was married for ten years to a woman who ended up being completely sexually unsatisfying. As I was growing and changing and learning to enjoy facets of my personality, she was rigidly adhering to her own ideas of "normal" and this disconnect eventually ruined our marriage. I'm now married to the woman I need to be with, one who lets me enjoy what I like, regardless of what you call it, and who enjoys the fact that I let her do likewise.

Good luck working things out with your partner. Sounds like it could be a rocky period, but working through to acceptance of what you want and need is worth it. One final thought: no relationship is worth giving up who and what you are, regardless of the words attached to whatever that turns out to be.

 

[chun_gong]

Well, I have to add that my anti-label attitude still exists. However, on this board, it is easier to use one to just give a short description. So, I had a radical thought and came up with a label that will satisfy me:

bi-curious lesbian

How funny is that? Yes, my curiosity still does not resolve my issues with my partner...for those of you who shared such encouragement and wisdom. Update: I'm closer to having the courage to actually have the discussion.

to everyone!

 

[PredatorSmile]

Chun_gong and PredatorSmile. you'll have to turn in your lesbian credentials at the door on your way out. We can't have any cock sucking in the clubhouse, it upsets the newcomers and it puts some of the older women off their tea. Sorry, but you knew the rules when you signed up. This kind of behaviour simply will not do.

***

Seriously,

Take any label you want. Labels are useful for conversational purposes, but rather useless for defining yourself to yourself.

As for spicing up your sex life; whatever, but if you plan to stay with your current partner, she should be permitted to approve of any 'outside the


I don't like labels but if I had to pick, I feel comfortable under "bisexual."
The funny thing is that recently I ran into my friend Marcy. She's a chick who came out as bisexual at my old high school and caught a lot of flack from the lesbians for it. They called her everything from "fence-sitter" to "confusoid" and "bed-hopper". I am ashamed to say that I was part of the bunch of dykes who teased her. Recently, we ran into each other. I was in the subway, sitting on my boyfriend's lap and kissing him. Marcy was there. She was shocked !!! I waved and said hi ! You would have thought she'd seen a ghost. Back in high school, I was a "macho girl".
We're talking shaved head and Rambo outfits here, lol. Now, I'm just a bi girl in love with a bisexual stud. Now, I know better than to assign labels to anybody !!!

 

[chun_gong]

I don't like labels but if I had to pick, I feel comfortable under "bisexual."
The funny thing is that recently I ran into my friend Marcy. She's a chick who came out as bisexual at my old high school and caught a lot of flack from the lesbians for it. They called her everything from "fence-sitter" to "confusoid" and "bed-hopper". I am ashamed to say that I was part of the bunch of dykes who teased her. Recently, we ran into each other. I was in the subway, sitting on my boyfriend's lap and kissing him. Marcy was there. She was shocked !!! I waved and said hi ! You would have thought she'd seen a ghost. Back in high school, I was a "macho girl".
We're talking shaved head and Rambo outfits here, lol. Now, I'm just a bi girl in love with a bisexual stud. Now, I know better than to assign labels to anybody !!!

Well, my little label is mostly of humor. I have gotten to know a person or two on here and they completely get what I mean. I do have a kooky sense of humor.

Don't you hate the names and attitudes towards bi's? It is very difficult to come out that way. I would say that she was shocked. haha Now, the Rambo thing is sexy...but don't get me started with that. I also identify with the 'femme' label. Truly I am totally girly.

It is really cool that you are so comfortable with yourself and know where you are.

 

[DG_Heracles]

Well, my little label is mostly of humor. I have gotten to know a person or two on here and they completely get what I mean. I do have a kooky sense of humor.

Don't you hate the names and attitudes towards bi's? It is very difficult to come out that way. I would say that she was shocked. haha Now, the Rambo thing is sexy...but don't get me started with that. I also identify with the 'femme' label. Truly I am totally girly.

It is really cool that you are so comfortable with yourself and know where you are.

*nods*
Yep, you're a kook.

 

[chun_gong]

*nods*
Yep, you're a kook.

You know you love me...and your wife would too.