Long time gone

[Crackedcolumn]

Brand new profile haven’t even taken it out of the wrapper yet.

I have been away from lit for a decade-ish, I was here in my 20’s grew up got married had a couple of kids. Now Ive fallen off the wagon so to speak.

So I’m back. Today I’ll leave the biting humor in the car and simply state facts.

From my brief glance over the boards the last week or so, (before joining up) I’ve come to the conclusion I’m like many of you. An adult in age but still rather juvenile in my actions and thoughts. So Here I am 40 something coming to the old revelation I would rather be wanted than needed and I’m seriously missing intimacy.

Now that the basics are out of the way what do I want?

How about a bookish intelligent sexfiend. Or a lost 20 something that wants me to take advatabge of her. Or how about the borderline alcoholic that is using sexy chats to fill a void. The mom that’s raised kids and now looking for something of her own. Really I’m not that picky (yet).

Likes: boobs and wicked sense of humor
Dislikes: cocks. And emotional blackmail

More specifically I like all kinds of women.

What happens next? I go about my day wondering if I’ll get a pm, then start drinking and posting increasingly humorous things about house flys and and how to build the perfect campfire.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Tl;dr

Forgot the short, short version.
I was here a while back. I’m back because, because.

Right can I get a pm from the 20 and 30 somethings that like old hairy men?

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Wait! There’s more.

I am schocked, a total newbie with a questionable approach only has one person messaging me.

So, she and I have come up with a game to pass the time. After every beer I shall add to my thread in an ever increasing act of absurdity. Stick around I should be funny.

Also now I’m into the mid 30’s single mom type who don’t take shit from nobody.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Beer three

As we enter the slightly surreal, the space between full intoxication, and the last edge of sobriety. Leading scientist have concluded that this is the point of greasiest creativity, honesty.

I am not a misogynist. But! I am a pervert, and I do find all aspects of the female body extremely attractive. Including the left elbow.


I will therefore dedicate my next beer to beautiful woman brave enough to send a pic of their left elbow.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Beer four

Look. I know I know it has taken way to long to get through that beer. But I was stinky and needed a shower and then I was hungry.

It’s true the only organ that trumps my trouser snake is the chasm which was craving soup. That I made from scratch.......... two weeks ago.

Wtf is kik?

Current Achilles heel. Women in glasses. I can’t help it. I just want to gently remove them.......clean them.... put them back on.....and walk away. Does that make me weird?

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Too much beer

Seriously. I’ve moved to whiskey. That’s a lot beer.

Question time.

What is the most juvenile thing you’ve done recently?
Do balls continue to grow with age? I’m having adjustment issues. (Not the sexy kind)

Who else is hoping that midriff shirts and low rise jeans make a comeback?

How the hell did the Easter bunny become a thing?

 

[Crackedcolumn]

And I’m spent

By that I mean I do have work.

At least that’s the grownup thing to say. Right?

So questions just in case the hangover doesn’t kill me.

Give me a brief position statement on either 1. The collapse of the modern dating ritual or 2. The rise of the enlightened relationship engagement.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Coffee #2

Not dead yet.

Feeling Surprisingly good. Today’s topic since we didn’t get to it last night is the perfect campfire.

Preferably around 10k feet, surrounded by peaks and 100miles from the nearest road. Use the driest fuel you can find, and go with the “castaway,” or bow method. Takes some work, but the satisfaction is worth it.

Current mood:
The athletic type that doesn’t mind getting sweaty and following the trail less traveled.

 

[vibes]

Hello Cracked (seems a good pick), welcome back who ever you were during your first Lit life.

At some point you've mentioned having someone messaging ... I hope she still does

(Joking! Fun thread)

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Hello Cracked (seems a good pick), welcome back who ever you were during your first Lit life.

At some point you've mentioned having someone messaging ... I hope she still does

(Joking! Fun thread)

I clearly got a D in English class.

I think I’m going to need a tutor.

 

[vibes]

I clearly got a D in English class.

I think I’m going to need a tutor.

In that case you've come (back) to the right place

 

[Bellissa]

I clearly got a D in English class.

I think I’m going to need a tutor.

I am proficient in English, let me know if you still require a tutor.

 

[The_gladiator]

I am proficient in English, let me know if you still require a tutor.

Would that be body English?

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Water #1

Yes I’m in water. Because I’m old and it’s better for me. Yes I had coffee, geez, back off I just walked through the door.

Sudden self-revelation. I still act like an adolescent.

Today is bright and shining, but I’m stuck inside. It’s terrible tragedy, I’m setting up a funding page.

The house fly. I was chasing a fly around the kitchen the other day, narrating the adventure in a terrible Australian/Scottish/English accent. At the time, I Was Alone.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

forgot

I forgot my phone, an hour from where I currently find myself. This is not an ideal situation, and I find myself slightly off which is the only excuse I can use for neglecting two important things.


YES I need a tutor. Lets set up time, maybe 4hours a day, 2am-6am, Siberia standard time.

gladiator, no complicated syntax puns, I'm in remedial English.

also my current desire:

a live in maid. Not for sex..... come on have you been paying attention?.... No I need someone that is silently judging me and my mess...… kind of like all of you... weird. Stop judging me, I haven't judged you.

actually that a lie, I have, and I have judged you all to be people I like. mostly that one guy who keeps aggressively sending unsolicited pics of koala's needs to stop...…….. you know who you are, its creepy man.

 

[The_gladiator]

I forgot my phone, an hour from where I currently find myself. This is not an ideal situation, and I find myself slightly off which is the only excuse I can use for neglecting two important things.


YES I need a tutor. Lets set up time, maybe 4hours a day, 2am-6am, Siberia standard time.

gladiator, no complicated syntax puns, I'm in remedial English.

also my current desire:

a live in maid. Not for sex..... come on have you been paying attention?.... No I need someone that is silently judging me and my mess...… kind of like all of you... weird. Stop judging me, I haven't judged you.

actually that a lie, I have, and I have judged you all to be people I like. mostly that one guy who keeps aggressively sending unsolicited pics of koala's needs to stop...…….. you know who you are, its creepy man.

I feel like the fact that you called it that suggests, that you really aren't, but not here to rain on your fantasy.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Curious

So my lit sisters, I have a question.

I would like some stories. I do enjoy reading English even if I can't right it.

I am assuming that being female on here, is a bit like holding a piece of bread on the beach. so send me the story of the most absurd pm you've gotten.

 

[Bellissa]

Siberian standard time acceptable. Remedial English available.
Live-in-maid not applicable.
We are all judging you. Get your act together.
See me later!

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Dammit

One day and I’m already in trouble.

To be fair, I’ve been trying to get it together for over 40 years. At this point it would be insane to keep trying. So like that one guy said that one time. Get a helmet and rubber boots because this is a mess.

Also. After getting a few pm’s on my last question. Guys. Seriously just don’t be an ass. It isn’t hard. Look I have yet to revive a pic of the left elbow, am I complaining? No. Because, at the end of the day, it’ll be alright.

On to other topics.

When was the last time you were in trouble for doing something dumb? Like when I build a fire, and the fire department said it was no ok to build a fire in my neighbors back yard. Sorry, that was my bad.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Or the time I put the top down on the car while going 75mph. Also my bad, I should not have done that. My deepest apologies to the sheep farmer that was behind me, especially the sheep that didn’t make it. Again, my bad.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

I figured out Kik. At least how to download couple that with the reclaiming of my phone. And blah blah. Lit pm’s are a pain.

But I recognize some might be hesitant. I understand.

Anyway. I have decided winter requires to much clothing.

At what point does lit stalking become creepy?

 

[Crackedcolumn]

Still just water because I’m a growl.

At this point dear readers I believe you’ve gotten quit enough to gleen that I’m slightly off, but fun.

But I have another observation.

How long beyond the experation date does lunch meat last? I’m asking for a friend.

Confession time.

Because I grew up in the 90’s and I thought the band garbage was cool, I have a weakness for redheads and Scottish accents.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

What can I say

You people are awesome. Messed up, but in the a beautifully sexy way. Not in a creepy “wanna see under my coat” way.

Also I apologize to the Johnson family. I am very very sorry.

Anyway. Daddy issues, we ALL have dad issues. Mine was an asshat, however, there are sexy daddy issues. But that’s beside the point. The point is that while I have dad issues there is no reason to call me daddy. I get a strange impulse to smoke Winston’s and call you a dipshit while sporting a pocket protector.

In other news:

It is in fact sexist to objectify a pic by ejaculating while looking at it. However, I’m okay with this, and will not be stopping. But I’ve already confessed to being A pervert. So there’s that.

 

[Shi_One81]

I forgot my phone, an hour from where I currently find myself. This is not an ideal situation, and I find myself slightly off which is the only excuse I can use for neglecting two important things.


YES I need a tutor. Lets set up time, maybe 4hours a day, 2am-6am, Siberia standard time.

gladiator, no complicated syntax puns, I'm in remedial English.

also my current desire:

a live in maid. Not for sex..... come on have you been paying attention?.... No I need someone that is silently judging me and my mess...… kind of like all of you... weird. Stop judging me, I haven't judged you.

actually that a lie, I have, and I have judged you all to be people I like. mostly that one guy who keeps aggressively sending unsolicited pics of koala's needs to stop...…….. you know who you are, its creepy man.

No shit, I’m a tutor. However, my fees are quite stiff.

 

[Bellissa]

Crackedcolumn, everyone has noticed you now, and frankly we are all a little concerned for your welfare. We are not judging you anymore, we understand you have issues...
Help is available, tutors lining up...
My fees are not stiff, I prefer the incentive model.
Pics for progress! Left elbow included.
Come on Crackedcolumn, you can do it..!
This is your moment, we are willing you on...
Make an effort, pull yourself together..