Long Term D/s Relationships

[WyoD_S]

I've been involved in the lifestyle for 15 or so years. I was just talking with My slave about relationships and we came up with some questions/observations I found interesting.

I've known alot of people over the years, they seem to come and go within the lifestyle with regularity. There are some anchors that seem to always be around, but relatively few it seems.

It seems that most relationships last a year or two, very few for more than that. If two people, whatever their proclivities, can survive together for a couple of years, what prevents them from sticking it out for the long term?

Why are so many D/s relationships transient?

I know this does not apply only to D/s, but to vanilla as well, but it does seem that D/s relationships are more often temporary than not.

All relationships need to grow to survive. Is it that the growth is measured by the limits of the people involved? The soft limits are reached, pushed a little, and the wall is found. The hard limits change slightly, then become concrete. Do the Dominant and submissive get bored? Is their mindset, "okay, what now?" and then go off in search of others to have fun with for a new experience?

Curious what others have to say

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

All relationships need to grow to survive. Is it that the growth is measured by the limits of the people involved? The soft limits are reached, pushed a little, and the wall is found. The hard limits change slightly, then become concrete. Do the Dominant and submissive get bored? Is their mindset, "okay, what now?" and then go off in search of others to have fun with for a new experience?

Curious what others have to say

Mine have always ended for the same legitimate reasons 'vanilla' relationships end.
Drug addiction, mistakes, ill health, estrangement etc etc. With exception of two that had pre agreed contractual terms that ceased at the correct time within the context of those. I never embark in a D/s relationship with a view to it being temporary otherwise , just fate having its usual wicked ways. No regrets here ......smiles . Well maybe just sometimes.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For my thinking, just like in vanilla relationships, most people fall in love with the idea, not the person. They spend a period of time trying to change the other to be their fantasy image, then realise it isn't hapening or they could never be who they wanted them to be, and it is all too easy to walk away and jump the next set of bones which cross their path and start the same losing process all over again. People seem to have a very hard time acknowledging and learning from their mistakes, preferring to forget the bad things, romaticise and exaggerate the good, and then wonder why they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. They also look for the quick fix, and when that is not happening, they give up.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Most of us have grown up in a society that pays lip service to the idea of long term relationships, while the reality of what we see day in and day out is that relationships (and people) are disposable.

We come from families with at least one divorce experience, often several. We see the transient nature of relationships in movies, TV, we read about them in the papers, magazines, web sites. In all honesty, I don't think very many of us actually expect a relationship to last more than a couple of years. We start waiting for the other shooe to drop... or we grow bored or frustrated, or desperate, or lonely, and we end it and move on.

Very few people have the comittment and discipline necessary to make a relationship work over the long term. We come equiped with expectations that are unrealistic, or we react to a chemistry without regard to long term compatiblility. We select partners who may be appealing eye-candy but their values, morals, tastes are diametrically opposed to our own. The sex is great but after a while, that wears thin. We need to share more than just sack time to make a long term relationship work.

*shrugs* I don't have a magic bullet, no quick fixes. I work on my relationship with janey daily. So far, that's been 3 years+. One day at a time.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

I don't have experience in the lifestyle but would venture to say it has a lot to do with fit, and communication just as any relationship.

Many people that I talk to that have been or are getting a divorce talk of how things they wanted, or expected in the relationship weren't there...and weren't there from the begining. So.....if that is the case as someone mentioned above..you can't change someone into your ideal mate. I think though some aren't quick to admit it...many people are afraid to be alone. We have the internet and big cities, cell phones, etc. With all that....makes me wonder....why we need so many reasons to reach out, because we are lonely perhaps? Along that line....it seems many people settle..thinking it's the best they will get. Instead of working to either change their decision or work with what they have they grow to resent the other person for their joint decision to stay together....living with what they feel they settled for in the first place. It's easy to look and see on the outside a good relationship...but even those...take work, time, communication, love, trust, etc. Unconditional love is hard for many to achieve but would go a long way to helping a relationship..no matter the nature....last.

 

[cati]

Quote :Evil Geoff
The sex is great but after a while, that wears thin. We need to share more than just sack time to make a long term relationship work.

I agree whole-heartedly,

Personally I feel that D/s relationships lack intimacy. It is said that you can't have real intimacy without an "equal" partnership and in my opinion that means "an equal share of the power."

I have no idea how to get past this...anyone?

 

[alice_underneath]

Quote :Evil Geoff
The sex is great but after a while, that wears thin. We need to share more than just sack time to make a long term relationship work.

I agree whole-heartedly,

Personally I feel that D/s relationships lack intimacy. It is said that you can't have real intimacy without an "equal" partnership and in my opinion that means "an equal share of the power."

I have no idea how to get past this...anyone?

Cati,

Given my definition of intimacy, I disagree with your assertions here.

However, it occurs to me that our definitions of the word 'intimacy', as applied in this context, may differ.

So that I may respond appropriately to your comments, would you please explain what you mean by 'intimacy' in the context of this post?

Alice

 

[*curious*]

Personally I feel that D/s relationships lack intimacy. It is said that you can't have real intimacy without an "equal" partnership and in my opinion that means "an equal share of the power."

I have no idea how to get past this...anyone?

Our relationship is based on power exchange. There is full reciprocity without any lables of Dom/Domme or submissive. I have as much power as he does; he has as much power as I do. We hold each other's souls in our hands and freely give what the other *needs* in order to feel Loved and fulfilled.

It is one of the hardest "easy" things I've ever done, but it has brought the deepest Love and intimacy to my Life I've ever known...

 

[cati]

That's great Curious....smiles.

Alice your idea of intimacy can't be that much different from mine. Nevertheless, I will refrain from getting into any discussion with you at this time.
Plus, in the great scheme of things, it really doesn't matter why I said what I said.

 

[serijules]

Since I have no interest in vanilla relationships, I'm speaking mostly of D/s ones here.

In a D/s relationship especially, we don't always start out getting to know the "whole" person...we involve ourselves with a very specific and rather narrow part of that person; their dominance or submissive natures. In my past relationships, I got involved with the people based solely on what I knew of them as a Dominant...there is a lot more to a person than their chosen D/s roles. It was once the reality of the person under those roles came to light that the relationships started to falter.

My current relationship is going on 2 years officially collared, and 6 years of friendship. The 4 years of knowing each other on a less D/s-oriented ground (although we were still play partners, it was more relaxed) really created a solid foundation on which to build our official D/s relationship. We knew a lot about each other. We were subject to each others' problems with others when we vented to one another and were aware of how the other person handles certain things and what their most basic needs were. We were exposed to things and whims about each other that may have caused problems had we found out about them later, like religious beliefs and opinions on political and personal issues. Most of those things simply don't come to light when two people rush headfirst into a D/s relationship where the focus is so heavily on D/s and sex.

There is a dating period that I think is a big factor in successful relationships. The longer the dating period, the more likely the big decision of marriage/collaring will be one that has the chance to last longer. My collaring with Dawnie was years in the making, and I really do feel that is the reason we are so solid compared to my previous relationships. I'm not a fan of any of this "instant" crap so many people in the BDSM world seem to love so much. Instant collars, instant relationships, instant roles. Recipe for instant failure in my book.

Of course, there are always exceptions. There are exceptions to everything.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I like alot of what Serijules has to say. The answer to your question, I believe, lies in the question itself. "Why are so many D/s relationships transient?

I believe it's because people get caught up in the "D/s" label, and think that that infers some sort of special relationship protection. You read it here, there, and everywhere....our relationship is deeper, more fulfilling, more solid, will last longer....because it's a D/s relationship. No. No. and No again.

If any of those things happen, they will happen because you are a happy, emotionally healthy, centered human being who is working at having a committed relationship with another happy, healthy, centered human being. You share mutual goals, morals, ethics. And....you just happen to be in a power exchange relationship with that person.

You walk the same path together. There's no rescuing going on. People date. How friggin' hard can it be?

Of course, your mileage may vary. And for the record? I'm married to my dom. We dated for a year, lived together for a year, and have been married for a year. Our relationship comes first. D/s? Icing.

 

[ObsidianRose]

When it comes to finding their other half, I believe those in the D/s lifestyle have a more daunting task ahead of them than their vanilla counterparts.

It is difficult enough to find someone to whom you are well suited, romantically, in the vanilla world. So much goes into this: temperment, realistic expectations, shared goals, core moral values, similar outlooks on life, and countless other issues.

How much more difficult it is to form a solid, healthy, well-balanced D/s relationship! A healthy D/s relationship must have all of the above and something extra. The rules for the two types of relationships may overlap in some areas, but are vastly different in many others. It is a tenebrous road, to be sure.

Additionally, we now live in a society where more and more people eschew, misunderstand, or have redefined the meaning of the word commitment. We (generally speaking, of course) commit to a thing as long as it suits us; as long as it feels good to us; as long as it doesn't get too difficult or too arduous. We live an an instant, add-water-and-stir society. We want instant gratification, instant results, without having to work for them. Thinner thighs in 30 days. Don't want to save for a big purchase? No problem...credit! Want a better relationship? Start a new one!

In our current state of relational apathy, we don't want to commit when things are no longer fun....when the gooey feelings are gone...when we argue frequently. We say to ourselves, "it shouldn't be this hard.". Wanna bet? Whenever two terribly imperfect people get together...there will be problems. But we rarely stick around long enough to learn that working through the tough times....the REALLY tough times, and coming out stronger on the other end is where the real good stuff is to be found. Loving someone is more than just a feeling, because our feelings will ebb and flow, like the tide. Love is also an action...a choice to work your ass off. The rest is a fucking Hollywood fantasy...don't believe the hype.

All relationships are up and down. Enjoy and REALLY be present for the wonderful times...they will have to carry you through the inevitable times when you'll want to throttle your partner! This is why we should think carefully and choose wisely BEFORE we commit..not after.

When you consider that the fact that all good and healthy relationships take WORK (and lots of it...they don't just happen), and truly healthy D/s relationships take even MORE work and require more areas of compatibility and a stronger commitment than vanilla relationships, is it any wonder that they tend to be short lived?

I'm still looking for my Dominant, my Sir, my One. When or if I find Him, I know it will be a wonderful blessing, but I have no illusions that it will be like tip-toeing through the tulips all the time...but that's okay because I am ready for that.

Now, that is all good and well, but I think it's important to say that if you find yourself in a relationship where this is abuse...get the hell out....quickly. Save that willingness to work your ass off for someone who deserves it.


God, I hope that didn't sound preachy!! If it did, please forgive me. That is now how I intended it to come across. This is just something about which I grown to feel very strongly.

 

[ObsidianRose]

I like alot of what Serijules has to say. The answer to your question, I believe, lies in the question itself. "Why are so many D/s relationships transient?

I believe it's because people get caught up in the "D/s" label, and think that that infers some sort of special relationship protection. You read it here, there, and everywhere....our relationship is deeper, more fulfilling, more solid, will last longer....because it's a D/s relationship. No. No. and No again.

If any of those things happen, they will happen because you are a happy, emotionally healthy, centered human being who is working at having a committed relationship with another happy, healthy, centered human being. You share mutual goals, morals, ethics. And....you just happen to be in a power exchange relationship with that person.

You walk the same path together. There's no rescuing going on. People date. How friggin' hard can it be?

Of course, your mileage may vary. And for the record? I'm married to my dom. We dated for a year, lived together for a year, and have been married for a year. Our relationship comes first. D/s? Icing.

I totally agree!!!! (not that it matters what I think...but I REALLY DO!)

 

[Recidiva]

I think it has to do with people traveling intensely in the direction they choose. Being in this lifestyle means you're taking control of your role and what you want in a sexual identity. If you're going to take that step, then you're likely to honor that role over a partner.

Many people don't enter a phase that they think they're going to grow out of, but grow they will, or their partner will and they won't.

Choosing a direction is key, particularly if it's reinforced over and over that you have choices (which many other people don't think they have).

Many will choose to follow their own path rather than the same beaten track with the same person, if they start diverging in the wood.