Long lost newbie

[GemV]

Hi you guys--

A long, long time ago, I wrote a story here under a different username (DeLaine) called "Scorcher". Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4232

I was pretty mortified and embarrassed that I had actually gone ahead and submitted it (I mean, nice suburban mommies don't do this kind of thing, do they??), and I convinced myself that it was a one-time thing. Well, I'm back, mainly because I have another story kicking around in my head that really needs an outlet. The problem was I had no idea what my old password was and the email address I used is now defunct, so I had to re-register under a new name.

Back when I wrote Scorcher, there was no rating system or anything and I never got any feedback (at least I don't think I did--I'm not sure I ever checked). Before I write my new story, I'd really like to know what people thought about my first one--what worked, what didn't, etc. I mainly wrote it as a fantasy for women (and myself of course!) but I'd be curious to know what guys thought of it too.

I really appreciate any feedback.
Thanks!

GemV

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Hey, that's really good. You've got a nice balanced lead-up, all the words are in the right place and there's nothing clunky about the language, so no-one would think it was a first effort. Keep going.

If you know what e-mail address you used for that account, that's pretty much proof of identity, because each account has to have a different e-mail address. So if you PM an administrator they might be okay with transferring the story or giving you a new password.

 

[DeLaine]

Thanks, Rainbow! You were right, Laurel gave me access to my old account, so now I'm DeLaine again.

I really appreciate the story feedback. Nobody else commented, but I see the rating went up and I got an H, so people must like it.

Time to start working on the next one.

Thanks again,

DeLaine (briefly known as GemV)

 

[vargas111]

Very good story

I would have said "heels" instead of "shoes."

I thought the BJ in the middle of her secuction was out of place.

Maybe a little more feel for why she found him so overpowerigly attractive at that moment maight have been nice.

Still, to repeat. a very good story.

Please do write more, soon

Homer

 

[Desamy]

I read, voted and commented.
Keep writing!

 

[DeLaine]

Thanks you guys!

Homer, your comments were really helpful and got me thinking. First, you're so right about the "heels" thing. That image certainly would have contributed a little more to the mood.

When you say the BJ was out of place, did you mean that it wasn't believable that Lauren would have turned the tables like that? Did it seem jarring and out of character? Would it have been better (hotter) if she had just remained submissive through the entire encounter?

As far as why she found him so irresistible in that moment, that's the main point I was trying to make. She'd always had the hots for the guy, but never would have believed she'd go so far as actually screwing him until she found herself doing it. After all, he's her best friend's husband, and some things we just don't do, right? There's a line we don't cross.

But he played into her deepest fantasies with his demeanor, his quiet voice confidently saying filthy things and making her say them too. I'm fascinated by the line between fantasy and reality, and how it seems more blurred in some circumstances than others. I wonder just how many of us would be able to resist if our hottest scenario suddenly presented itself in real life? Just how close are we to crossing that line? If Danny had approached her differently, more clumsily, she probably would have been able to remember her boundaries and say no.

All this was in my head at the time I wrote it of course, but I wasn't sure how much of it actually came through in the story. I'm exploring a similar theme in the story I'm writing now (what happens when two people who have no sexual subtext whatsoever in their relationship are suddenly thrown into a sexual situation?) and it helps to know I may need to be more clear about their motivations. Thanks again! Much food for thought.

DeLaine