Long Distance Relationships: BDSM style

[MissTaken]

Thoughts? Ideas?

How can two people achieve what they are looking for over the miles.

Having been in an LDR, I won't return, but thought a thread devoted to ideas how the Dom can Dominate and the sub can submit over time and distance would be helpful to those who cannot be together.

For me, there were ways that He became ever present in my life and activities that helped to meet my need for submission.

I will save these suggestions until I see where the thread goes.

Let's brainstorm .

For starters: Cell phones with mega minutes!

 

[lovetoread]

Or a really good long distance plan.

Its not easy and can be frustrating. He seems to be most frustrated when he cannot take care of things the way he feels it needs to be done.

As for the relationship itself,distance has made alot of things stronger. Being able to talk about things instead of just jumping in and going straight to the physical side. Fortunately, I have been with him in real life so its not mainly a "cyber" or "phone" type relationship.

The hard part for me is doing alot of things on my own. I am not used to that at all. But I am learning. He seems to like that,but doesnt want me to get too independent.

What is hard to explain to others is the way we are. How do you explain that you are not allowed to do alot of things that others take for granted? I cannot just hop up and go out without clearing it with him first.

Ahhh sometimes I wish it was the end of May so that some of this frustration will go away. I will be with him then.

But since this is my first LDR,I have no suggestions so I will be looking forward to hearing those suggestions.

 

[MissTaken]

Hmmm, with regard to Dominance, he would wake me in the morning with a phone call. We would talk on the phone at night until the wee hours.

He would "go shopping " with me and chose some of my clothing, all in good taste.

I would dress for him

Complete tasks or assignments and report back.



Anyone want to discuss phone sex? Perhaps it is too much information to share, but it certainly had a whole new twist.

 

[Hecate]

For me as well one of the absolute essentials are cell phones - simply becasue they are with you at pretty much all times and allow me to get "in touch" at any given time. If you happen to be double unlucky and have a time zone diference in addition to the distance even more though since they allow text messages to be sent, awaiting the other one upon waking up or before going to bed or after a meeting or ... you catch my drift. Plus - you can send SMS to cell phones now from the PC for free so this is a quite nice way of being in control!

The other thing that I find to be helpfull are web cams and digital cams. They make it possible to visually share the daily events and *weg* let us see if our darling pets have done as told ...

 

[Merelan]

Long distance.

Means so many things, depending on the mood, the time of day.

There are times she is right here beside me, guiding my hand, helping me through the day. Laughing, and crying with me. Other times I am there with her, at her knees, resting my head on her lap as she watches the news, chats on the phone with her friends, I serve her breakfast, and she helps me clean up. Impossible to believe we have ever been apart, never touched.

Other times I feel so lonely I curl up and cry, unable to "really" feel her touch, hear her voice, scent her in the air. To see her dirty laundry mixed in with mine, to see her pillow rumpled, her towel drying in the bathroom. her coffee cup, unrinsed, on the edge of the sink. I cry and weep, and then she sends me a simple note.

A hello. A "how is your day?"

And the tears are no longer sad and filled with lead, but golden and filled with love.

 

[TigerClaw]

........

......

 

[Richard49]

Long Distance can mean many things

First let me say that I can enjoy cyber and phone <BEG>


I know the orginal post was about physical distance....however I have to wonder .....just a thought here.....if we do not choce this type of relationship because we are or want someone that is not reall available.........rather than pick someone local that might be emotionally unavailable we just pick the distance thing.......

Richard
ask@gtii.com

 

[cherrypi28]

There are times she is right here beside me, guiding my hand, helping me through the day. Laughing, and crying with me. Other times I am there with her, at her knees, resting my head on her lap as she watches the news, chats on the phone with her friends, I serve her breakfast, and she helps me clean up. Impossible to believe we have ever been apart, never touched.

Other times I feel so lonely I curl up and cry, unable to "really" feel her touch, hear her voice, scent her in the air. To see her dirty laundry mixed in with mine, to see her pillow rumpled, her towel drying in the bathroom. her coffee cup, unrinsed, on the edge of the sink. I cry and weep, and then she sends me a simple note.

A hello. A "how is your day?"

And the tears are no longer sad and filled with lead, but golden and filled with love. [/B][/QUOTE]

this is exactly my feelings.... my master is in california and i am in chicago....we see each other every three months or so...(25 days!!!) but he is with me always....my every thought and decision is based on what i know would please him. the fact that my cell phone has unlimited long distance and unlimited minutes helps...lol... i will be with him forever in 1 more year. but i knew when he placed his collar around my neck in real life, i knew in my mind, body and soul that that is where i belong. distance will never change that...i wish everyone who is in this situation luck, because sometimes it is very hard, but just keep a hold of what is true to your heart.

Ravenking....i love you with all that i am!!!!

 

[fallon2]

Cell phones YES!

Definitely agree with Miss T about the phone and the tasks and the "shopping." I also think that speaking at least 2-3 times a week as well as regular e mails is EXTREMELY important to PREVENT miscommunication. I almost lost someone VERY important due to exactly that!

 

[MissTaken]

I have previously posted that I will not engage in a long distance relationship again.

I know of relationships that have worked and some that have failed.


I guess, I am asking that my lit friends convince me....that it can work. It can be fruitful and fulfilling. How can a Dom and sub meet one another's needs across the miles?

Convince me!

Okay...I have a cell phone.

Now, what ??? *smirk*

 

[fallon2]

Never

Never say never, MT, and always remember that each Dom is different but a good one will make it worth your while to stay interested in him. Who knows, a phone call tomorrow, an e mail tonight can make all the difference. If you don't risk you'll never know if true happiness and submission is right around the corner. I, myself, know that you can't succeed without effort.

 

[Satin]

Miss Taken.....

It can work but it takes ALOT from both sides in any relationship not just Dom's.

I was in an online/phone relationship with my previous Master who was in the phillipines at the time in medical school....over a course of a year we grew quite close and turned into a Dom/sub relationship...He claimed to want me in real life and we had planned on moving in together on his return home the following year....However the distance made it very hard on the both of us...He got lost in what he was doing and forgot about me at home awaiting him...not taking the time to call or even e-mail anymore....Now that he is home not more than an hour away from me we still have never met. He has moved on and I am now with my fience....

Now with defence to the online/long distance thing.....I met my fience on line as well but we were only apart a couple months but he called me 3 times a day and we saw each other once a week. It still was'nt easy but it can work....The biggest thing with distance is trust...and the trust has to be totally pure, otherwise it wont work...being apart raises to many doubts.

I may be a bit skeptical cause the couple I have had never worked so take this as it is just my opinion and nothing more than that.....it has worked for other people.

One day at a time is the only way to know for sure.

satin

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, fallon and satin.

Best wishes with your fiance, satin. It is nice to hear that there can be some success.

 

[pierced_boy]

LDR

.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Mistress, when will you text me dirty thoughts?

Damn I miss out.

 

[iamaddog]

long distance relationship bdsm style

I am only able to comment on this from my personal experience here, listed under for what it is worth dept:...
I am a newly collared owned/registered slave, wearing my first introduction collar,..with my Mistress' tag on it. She is 3,000 miles away from me. She is in california, I am in Iowa. it is difficult for me to understand what it is She requires from me at times given the time differences and the mileage. but then there are some phone calls, a lot of emails...and then there is the trust factor...on both ends. She trusts I am doing as I say I am, in doing my practice lessons for Her to stay in Her training,..and I trust in Her that she knows what She is doing from years of experience and wisdom..
does it make it easier??? no it does not. can you make it work,?? well yes you can. it is not like having a love relationship over distance. there is no emotional bond here. She owns my body, my mind, my very soul but not my heart. I have no love interest in my life. it is forbidden. will this survive??? yes. I am soon to leave where I am and move out to Her domain. then it will be easier, to be under Her heels and be there for on hand training.
did this answer the question??? I hope it did..
I believe with trust, good judgement, commonsense,..wisdom,..maturity, all things are possible.
have a good one...mad dog in iowa

 

[Ebonyfire]

LDR & BDSM

Well my LDR has both elements. It is first and foremost a love relationship. He is my partner, lover, and friend. And now he is my submissive.

I always thought I could never have a love relationship with my sub. But all that has changed.

He is in the UK, and I am in the US. I think that we will run the gamut of technology. Now it is mostly an online/email relationship. We will probably use the telephone eventually. We do not rush. There is no need to. We are bound in love as well as D/s.

It is hard, he is in a training mode right now. I am slowly training him to be the sub I need.

I do have one other sub, who is bound to me, but not collared. He serves me part-time, and we play often. The relationship is totally different.

Ebony

 

[Arden]

A question for those in long distance relationships that practice D/s in everyday communication.

What elements of D/s do you incorporate within your daily communication, and everyday life? Specifically. Do you have rituals, tasks? Do you speak to him or her in the same manner online that you would if you were in the same room together? Anything else?

I'd love to hear about things that you do together that work for you... and those that do not.

 

[cellis]

A question for those in long distance relationships that practice D/s in everyday communication.

What elements of D/s do you incorporate within your daily communication, and everyday life? Specifically. Do you have rituals, tasks? Do you speak to him or her in the same manner online that you would if you were in the same room together? Anything else?

I'd love to hear about things that you do together that work for you... and those that do not.

You know it is much the same as an on-line relationship when you don't live with your Master... When, because of life circumstances, you might only see Him once a week... It is hard and rules and rituals are as much a necessity.

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

You know it is much the same as an on-line relationship when you don't live with your Master... When, because of life circumstances, you might only see Him once a week... It is hard and rules and rituals are as much a necessity.

Bump (& Grind) A whole year this has lain dormant...

For someone new to any and all aspects of BDSM, just what are some common rules and rituals for an on-line or long distance relationship?

~ R W

 

[Esclava]

I am in the midst of what feels like a true masochist's dream.

I am in love with my online Master, but know that there will never be a time when we will ever touch in real life.

It makes the ache for his touch almost physically painful at times and the inability to display the depth of the submissive emotion I feel for him is akin to a knife wound in my heart. When I am depressed and feeling negative about the loneliness and distance, that wound is jagged - gaping open and spewing that which keeps me alive and vital.

I have been his slave for more than 2 years now and each day I get closer and closer to telling him, "No" - and not in a jesting way... And I am positive it has to do with the time and distance, finally, taking its toll.

I agree, that spending daily time together is an absolute MUST - even if it's by phone or email. I believe that phone calls are more productive simply because they give the mind a voice to attach to. And PICTURES!!! LET YOURSELF BE SEEN BY YOUR SUBMISSIVE! Without a face to attach to the voice of authority, it becomes VERY easy to occasionally disregard instructions, orders or other rituals.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but tonight I am applying direct pressure to that wound on the left side of my chest. Edited to add: I shall return when I am in less pain and perhaps a bit more coherent.

Esclava

 

[Raging Whoremoans]

I am in the midst of what feels like a true masochist's dream.

I am in love with my online Master, but know that there will never be a time when we will ever touch in real life.

It makes the ache for his touch almost physically painful at times and the inability to display the depth of the submissive emotion I feel for him is akin to a knife wound in my heart. When I am depressed and feeling negative about the loneliness and distance, that wound is jagged - gaping open and spewing that which keeps me alive and vital.

I have been his slave for more than 2 years now and each day I get closer and closer to telling him, "No" - and not in a jesting way... And I am positive it has to do with the time and distance, finally, taking its toll.

I agree, that spending daily time together is an absolute MUST - even if it's by phone or email. I believe that phone calls are more productive simply because they give the mind a voice to attach to. And PICTURES!!! LET YOURSELF BE SEEN BY YOUR SUBMISSIVE! Without a face to attach to the voice of authority, it becomes VERY easy to occasionally disregard instructions, orders or other rituals.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but tonight I am applying direct pressure to that wound on the left side of my chest. Edited to add: I shall return when I am in less pain and perhaps a bit more coherent.

Esclava

First things first: x 12

Even in an obvious state of distress your reply was poignant and eloquently stated. You're making perfect sense. Coherence is a relative state, is it not?

I can empathize with your pain to some extent. I too have felt the knife twisting in me at not being able to reach out and touch my on-line sub...give her the comfort and guidance she seeks so desperately, physically see her give over to me, claim her once and for all. Ironic how it is said that time heals all wounds. We are a direct contradiction to this statement, no?

I do not have the amount of time invested in this relationship that you do, but the natural want for more is quite strong and when denied, it is also quite daunting. I do speak to her everyday by computer as well as on the phone. I'm feeling happy now, as I sent her new pictures just this morning in reward for her sending me a few the day before.

Would it be too forward to ask you a few of your rituals or biddings of your Master? Please do not feel obligated if it is painful or private.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and what keeps you going, even if it was hard. It is good for me to know these things so that I may attempt to avoid any mistakes that could damage her, for she is precious to me.

~ R W

 

[bmw1080]

Starting a LDR requires the couple, (or maybe three?), to set some ground rules and to establish words that execute a stop, or where one is uncomforatble where things are headed.

I have run two LDR's that i believe when involved both partners were satisfied. The moving on was mutual. Along with cellphones I recommend PC/laptop webcams with either msn messanger or some such. The webcam I have found helps to heighten the anticipation aspect.

There needs to be a high level of verbal communication along with online. The verbal can follow once both are comforatbel with the online experience.

ciao B

 

[MissTaken]

Hmm a blast from the past!

Trust is the most important element of and LDR. IF you find yourself wondering how to put steps in place to ensure a sub has a completed a task without simply taking their word for it, you need to rethink the relationship.

Oh, and as for my previoius posts? The Dom in question ran up a $1400 cell phone bill on my phone and when I told him, he said, "Don't worry, you will take care of it!"

Lessons learned!!!!!!!!!

 

[NCShin]

I didn't read all of the posts above, skimmed some though.

I am in a LDR, longer distance than most as she's in Japan and i'm on the eastern side of the USA.

It's about a 14-16 hour flight depending on layovers. Pretty long distance.

We talk daily via IM, nearly daily via phone. I call with a digital VOIP phone that i have through the local cable company. (12 cents a minute to japan)

I guess our relationship is a bit different than most LDRs since we originally met IRL before we were LD. Over the years she's visited here fairly often. She's been coming about 4 times a year lately as we get ready for her to move here.

I don't have a lot of advice for a D/s LDR. We don't do much of that other than talking about things that we'd like to do the next time we're together.

Depending on how you view it, and how serious you are this is what i'd advise.

If you aren't all that serious, and are seeing other people. Do not ask or talk about it. Knowing the other person is seeing someone else is more than enough.

If you are more serious and not seeing other people. Do not ask about it. If you ask they're going to say they aren't and it will only lead to doubts in your own mind. It requires a great deal of trust, but since there is no real way to find out you have to give them that trust without question.

Personally I'd suggest against phone sex prior to having real sex. Reason is at least in my experience is that it builds expectations that likely will not be met. As soon as you have any form of sex that isn't flesh to flesh you form images of the other person that may or may not be true. Lets not get into performance. In phone sex she goes down on you and she's brilliant with her mouth. On the phone he can last for hours. RL hits and she scrapes her teeth and he is done in 10 minutes. It'll just lead to disapointment.