Long Distance Relationship

[KokopelliRises]

For the first time in my life I have found myself in a long distance (open) relationship. And I'm worried. Worried about the fact that I probably will only be able to see him about every six months and also worried because it is open, and I don't want to lose any affection he has for me and I have for him. Does anyone have any advice and/or words of wisdom for me?

I can provide more information if you think it might help.

 

[Soyeahimbored]

For the first time in my life I have found myself in a long distance (open) relationship. And I'm worried. Worried about the fact that I probably will only be able to see him about every six months and also worried because it is open, and I don't want to lose any affection he has for me and I have for him. Does anyone have any advice and/or words of wisdom for me?

I can provide more information if you think it might help.

Right now I am in a long distance relationship, she is in america while I was forced to move to Australia. =[ Anyway we tried the whole open thing but it just didn't work out and we almost broke up! Not good! My advice to you is to be truthful, always stay talking, never be angry with each other! Phone sex is always fun and it keeps me happy most of the time, but there are sometimes when I hate that she is out having fun and I am just sitting here doing jack shit. Long distance relationships are very very VERY hard. Trust is KEY here. Truly.

How long have you two been dating? Have you had sex? Just wondering so I can know where you stand and whatnot.

 

[Davetmat]

I agree with above poster, Trust and Honesty are what will make it work.

If you're going open, get some ground rules down and talk about it if your feeling very jealous or its hurting either of you in anyway.. in the end if it's not working stop it and focus on each other, and be patient

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i was in a long distance relationship a year 1/2 ago. i met him online lol
we completely stopped seeing other people when we decided that we would meet. 3 months later he came out to see me. and we then considered ourselves in a real relationship. but i had a lot of emotional problems <much like i still do> and we just didnt work. we are still good friends and we talk at least once a week or so. we give advice to eachother and comfort eachother.
Only advice i can give to you is, take it slow. I dont suggest being in an open relationship because, IMHO, the trust will disolve. But thats just the way i see things, it might not be that way for you 2.

 

[KokopelliRises]

Right now I am in a long distance relationship, she is in america while I was forced to move to Australia. =[ Anyway we tried the whole open thing but it just didn't work out and we almost broke up! Not good! My advice to you is to be truthful, always stay talking, never be angry with each other! Phone sex is always fun and it keeps me happy most of the time, but there are sometimes when I hate that she is out having fun and I am just sitting here doing jack shit. Long distance relationships are very very VERY hard. Trust is KEY here. Truly.

How long have you two been dating? Have you had sex? Just wondering so I can know where you stand and whatnot.

We have officially been dating for a little bit more than a month, but we have been in a friends with benefits relationship for about a year and a half. There have been some issues with trust, but that was because we hadn't made our boundaries clear. Now they are a lot clearer and we're working on the trust thing.

Our distance isn't quite as long as that (yet), only about 275 miles, but that's across the state, a 5 or 6 hour drive.

 

[Ksb]

Enjoy the time you do get together! I was in a ldr for what seemed like forever... And it was nicer in some ways. Whenever i saw him it was all sex and specialness. Now i'm sitting here bored while he watches football. I think i'm just bitter. Ldr's are very hard, and i'm not sure i could cope with an open one. Just take it as it comes and remember to make time for each other.

 

[anna_tv]

Our distance isn't quite as long as that (yet), only about 275 miles, but that's across the state, a 5 or 6 hour drive.

275 miles isn't that far. Why will you only see each other every 6 months? Why not weekends? Why not meet half-way?

 

[KokopelliRises]

275 miles isn't that far. Why will you only see each other every 6 months? Why not weekends? Why not meet half-way?

It's a longer distance than I've ever done before.

Because I have college most of the year and will be gone for a little more than a month this summer. We have done the meeting halfway thing before, but it still involves hours of driving for both of us.

 

[amy711]

Try 3,000 miles and an ocean.

 

[SweetErika]

My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and try to see each other more than once every six months.

Perhaps reading up on polyamory/open relationships would help you see and communicate about potential pitfalls and important points.

For me, periodic visits are important because I need the physical connection and having something to look forward to closes the gap a bit. Perhaps you could swing getting together for a long weekend at least once a quarter, or every other month, or on most school breaks.

I also need an end point, like 'we'll be apart for a year, then back in the same city or we'll part ways.' Having a more definitive time period gives me hope and the ability to see it as more of an experiment and means to an end than endless torture.

Is this intended to be the "primary" relationship, with other partners coming second, or is it more equal? Are you likely to actively date/seek other relationships, or focus on this one with an open mind in case someone else comes along? Have you talked about rules/guidelines for other relationships and established what you will/won't share with each other about those interactions?

Honestly, I think it'll depend in part on who you two are as a couple. You know how some people can totally lose touch or have very minimal contact for long periods, but then come together and pick up where they left off, like there was never any distance, whereas others grow apart? Hopefully you're the former and not the latter combination, but only time will tell. If you do have that special quality that allows you to pick up where you left off, you'll no doubt find that the affection will grow, rather than wane, over time.

 

[cloudy]

It's a longer distance than I've ever done before.

Because I have college most of the year and will be gone for a little more than a month this summer. We have done the meeting halfway thing before, but it still involves hours of driving for both of us.

I would kill to have that small a distance between me and my SO.

We've been together for six years, most of those apart - he's in Canada, I'm in the southern US. Because of various custody issues, we can't be together full time yet, but we're working on it.

Communication, communication, communication.

At some point, most likely one of you will feel it isn't worth it. Let them go. They will come back if it is real.

 

[KokopelliRises]

For me, periodic visits are important because I need the physical connection and having something to look forward to closes the gap a bit. Perhaps you could swing getting together for a long weekend at least once a quarter, or every other month, or on most school breaks.

I also need an end point, like 'we'll be apart for a year, then back in the same city or we'll part ways.' Having a more definitive time period gives me hope and the ability to see it as more of an experiment and means to an end than endless torture.

Is this intended to be the "primary" relationship, with other partners coming second, or is it more equal? Are you likely to actively date/seek other relationships, or focus on this one with an open mind in case someone else comes along? Have you talked about rules/guidelines for other relationships and established what you will/won't share with each other about those interactions?

Honestly, I think it'll depend in part on who you two are as a couple. You know how some people can totally lose touch or have very minimal contact for long periods, but then come together and pick up where they left off, like there was never any distance, whereas others grow apart? Hopefully you're the former and not the latter combination, but only time will tell. If you do have that special quality that allows you to pick up where you left off, you'll no doubt find that the affection will grow, rather than wane, over time.

As for the question about whether it is a "primary" relationship and what the rules and guidelines are, I don't know really, but I will bring that up the next time we talk. Personally I will be focusing on this relationship with an open mind in case someone else comes along, but I guess that is another thing I need to talk over with him, since I don't know which way it is for him.

The longest we have been apart so far has been about two months and we were able to pick it up fine at that point, in fact we got along better for a while than we had for the week or so before we separated (the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing I guess).

I think what will be happening is that I will be encouraging him to follow this thread with me (he has an account here, but barely uses it) and encourage discussion raised by questions here.

 

[anna_tv]

We have done the meeting halfway thing before, but it still involves hours of driving for both of us.

2.5-3 hours driving? That's nothing...well not if you really want to see someone. I've travelled much further to spend a weekend with someone before they left for the other side of the world. And that wasn't for sex, we only ever shared a fairly platonic kiss. So I just don't get what the block is. Take a risk, see them as much as possible, or move on. I've always found living in limbo almost impossible. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is nonsense - absence turns one into an irrational idiot.

But that's just my opinion...

 

[SweetErika]

Our distance isn't quite as long as that (yet), only about 275 miles, but that's across the state, a 5 or 6 hour drive.

Actually, provided you average 65-70 and don't stop too much/for too long on the way, you should get there in 4-5 hours.

I was able to drive that distance at around that speed (maybe 5-10mph over the limit, depending on where I was) across WA in 4-4.5 hours on less than a small tank of gas (though it was WAY cheaper then!) in HS and college. It's not too bad, either; I'd most often leave by 8am and be there by noon.

In 2004, I drove us 225 miles on Friday after work, then back Sunday afternoon, just about every weekend for four months. That was kind of a bitch because it was the same drive over and over, but when it's for a good cause (in our case, it was seeing his mom while she was sick/dying), it's definitely doable and worth the sacrifice.

My point is just that I think a lot of it depends on your attitude. If you look at it as a big obstacle, thinking you'll rarely see each other, that'll likely be the case. If you're thinking, 'Hey, it's really not that bad of a drive and we can make time to do it and/or meet in the middle on a regular basis,' it's probably going to be easier on you and you'll likely make sure you set that time aside for each other as needed. I don't know which way you're thinking/leaning, or even if you want to get together more often, of course, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to share my experiences on driving across the state and the attitude connection.

 

[KokopelliRises]

Actually, provided you average 65-70 and don't stop too much/for too long on the way, you should get there in 4-5 hours.

I was able to drive that distance at around that speed (maybe 5-10mph over the limit, depending on where I was) across WA in 4-4.5 hours on less than a small tank of gas (though it was WAY cheaper then!) in HS and college. It's not too bad, either; I'd most often leave by 8am and be there by noon.

In 2004, I drove us 225 miles on Friday after work, then back Sunday afternoon, just about every weekend for four months. That was kind of a bitch because it was the same drive over and over, but when it's for a good cause (in our case, it was seeing his mom while she was sick/dying), it's definitely doable and worth the sacrifice.

My point is just that I think a lot of it depends on your attitude. If you look at it as a big obstacle, thinking you'll rarely see each other, that'll likely be the case. If you're thinking, 'Hey, it's really not that bad of a drive and we can make time to do it and/or meet in the middle on a regular basis,' it's probably going to be easier on you and you'll likely make sure you set that time aside for each other as needed. I don't know which way you're thinking/leaning, or even if you want to get together more often, of course, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to share my experiences on driving across the state and the attitude connection.

Well, yeah there are places in WA that you definitely can afford to go 5-10 mph over the speed limit. I know, I've done it. Did it this summer.

It makes things a little harder because I don't have a car, so I would have to save up to take the train or a Greyhound, which would definitely mean a little longer trip than driving. But I will have a job next year, so I can justify the expense much better to myself since it's my money paying for it rather than the money my parents have saved up for college for me (or for the first few months of the school year, money I've saved from a summer job). The Greyhound and train stations are a very short distance away from campus (a long walk or a short bus ride), so that doesn't make that the obstacle.