Lonely and stressed

[temp256]

I've just moved out, and started at a new university. I'm not handling it well. I have no friends, no one to talk to, and end up spending all my free time alone in my room.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been lonely and friendless for a long time, but now I don't even have my parents for socialization. I've tried to find clubs, but everyone socializes with their own little groups, leaving me out. I have no social skills anymore either.

I can't sleep, I can't focus on classes, and the thought of eating makes me ill. I'm thinking about seeing a school counsellor, but every experience I've had with therapists has been entirely negative, leaving me worse off.

I don't even know what I expect to hear for replies.

 

[EllieB58]

Things are always easier said than done however focus on studies first. Stay off the pc and let real life unfold. Your study accomplishments can translate into confidence and make you feel better about everything.

 

[Cattypuss]

I've just moved out, and started at a new university. I'm not handling it well. I have no friends, no one to talk to, and end up spending all my free time alone in my room.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been lonely and friendless for a long time, but now I don't even have my parents for socialization. I've tried to find clubs, but everyone socializes with their own little groups, leaving me out. I have no social skills anymore either.

I can't sleep, I can't focus on classes, and the thought of eating makes me ill. I'm thinking about seeing a school counsellor, but every experience I've had with therapists has been entirely negative, leaving me worse off.

I don't even know what I expect to hear for replies.

OK, as a tiny baby step that might improve how you feel about life and yourself, how about spending your free time alone but not in your room? E.g. go for a walk in the park, go window-shopping, go to the cinema on your own etc?

 

[Tony_Stark]

I would reccomend searching online for a website called "Depression Forums" where you can find others who share your feelings and "symptoms" and learn how they cope with them and what other help is out there. Sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance that requires a little outside help from medication or other forms. Good luck. This too shall pass.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with seeing a doctor. Maybe some medication will help you get over this hump. And try the school counseling services. If you need someone who likely understands specific issues, ask for that when you make the appointment. Both of these things are worth a fair shot.

Secondly, have you looked into GLBTQ resources at your school or in the local community? If not, I'd suggest seeking those out and seeing what they have to offer. Maybe there's counseling, support groups, social events and friends you could take advantage of.

I know there are lots of things you're interested in and really good at. Have you sought out clubs for those interests? Have you asked people in the classes you really like if there are related activities, or even just tried to reach out with something like, "I'm new here, and looking for friends with similar interests. You seem like a cool person. Would you like to study or work on a side project together?"

Have you looked online, on sites like Craigslist and Meetup, for activity partners and folks who share your interests?

So, basically, I think there are two components to getting on the right track: sorting out the depression and/or anxiety issues and reaching out to people who might have similar backgrounds or interests, even if it's difficult. I don't know about you, but when I have things scheduled, I'm far more likely to participate and feel better, so it's important for me to force myself to get things on the calendar.

But it's great that you recognize there's a problem and want to fix it. That's half the battle right there.

 

[Omegaop]

Hug U

I would look at seeing what clubs of things your are interested in the college have. They are a great place to meet new people. all u need is 1 new person and they hopefully will help u link up

 

[favoritesgoddess]

You feel the way most young people do alone and away at school for the first time.

What do you like to do? What are your interests? Is there something you've never tried but you'd like to?

My first year of college was very isolating. I didn't fit in anywhere. My RA said she was going to a theater club meeting and asked me to tag along. I'd done some plays in HS so I went. I made many of the friends there that I kept all through college and beyond. It was a great place to start because there are lots of jobs to do and you get put into smaller groups to do them. You make a friend, you meet their friends and it snowballs.

I also joined the choir. I'd never sung in a choir in my life, but I needed a music credit and it seemed easy enough. I made lots of friends there too, and I gained a lifelong love of singing and discovered it's something I'm pretty good at. Who knew?

Campuses are full of stuff like this. Don't give up on clubs because you didn't meet anyone the first time out. Find something you like to do, or something you think you might like to do, and keep going. Be friendly. Smile and make eye contact. Say "hi". Sign up to do things. One of the first places I met people and began talking was I volunteered to help paint the scene shop. There were six of us, upper and lowerclassmen, and it was easier to talk and have conversations.

Study groups are a good thing too, even if you don't need study help. You'll get small group face time there.

One thing is for sure, and that's you're not going to make friends or fit in if you're on the Internet. It's a very isolating thing. To meet real people, you have to be with them.

 

[subwannabe]

Seeing a counselor can't hurt. I think you're thinking that you're the only one like that and that just isn't true. Many others feel the same way too. I also vote for taking a break from life for a while as you concentrate on your studies. Hopefully when you graduate these feelings will already be gone but, if not, you can address them further at that time. Good luck.

 

[Firebrain]

Oh, been there. It's hard and it sucks. Firstly, do see a doctor and the school counsellor. Get yourself the help while you're at this point, before you consider any other kind of action.

What kind of communal areas do your dorms have? Common rooms etc? Could you start hanging out there with your books etc, "studying"? It's a good way to get talking to people. I was a peer guide at uni and we used to force all the new Freshers into the common rooms to chat to one another. I would do it for one guy for months; he was struggling to begin with, but made friends in the end

I echo what people have said about clubs. Drama and theatre groups are some of the best to join because you all HAVE to interact with each other (you can always help out behind the scenes if you're unsure about performing). Debate is another.

Also -- exercise. It's good for depression and it'll give you something to get up for. Whether you join the campus gym, a sports club or just go for a good power walk/dance to youtube like a retard in your room, it will help you to feel better in yourself.

Good luck.

 

[dollface007]

See that school counselor. That's what they're there for. If you don't "click" with them, ask the school counseling service to set you up with someone else.

The other thing is, you have to decide to start behaving your way out of this depression. I have totally been in your shoes, and it feels really weird to do this at first, but it works: ACT like you are a person with a positive outlook and an active social life who makes friends easily. Fake it. Be sunny, cheerful, and enthusiastic even if you feel like a social failure. Eventually, it stops being fake and starts being real.

If you are at all religious or spiritual, consider joining a campus church group. Even my church in college was a little bit "clique-y" but they are also more inclined to welcome new people enthusiatically. Join a volunteer group if the church thing doesn't sound appealing. If people need your help to get work done, they are more likely to socialize with you. My guess is that you probably go to club meetings, having negative past experiences, and expecting the worst. People kind of pick up on those negative vibes. Don't be afraid to ask if you can join in if people are going out for pizza after the meeting or what have you.

 

[fire_breeze]

I do understand where you are coming from. Try the counsellors. Even if you don't want to take meds, it will be very useful to talk with someone who is trained in dealing with major life changes. I hate to say it, but they have seen this before.

It's tough starting a new university mid-semester. It really is. BUT! Come fall, it will get easier. Even if you're not a party person, give frosh week a try. You will meet people who are in the same boat as you. Furthermore, frosh week is so much more than bar hopping. There's a lot of orientation sessions that are often over-looked, and tend to attract serious, mature and intelligent students who are more interested in learning the library system than the beer content of each bar. Also, more and more universities are offering alternatives such as bowling, movie nights, cafe hopping than the rowdy parties.

I'm seconding, or thirding, those who suggested that you give the drama/theatre club a chance. It might sound counterintuitive, given the exuberant nature of drammies. However, theatre people are by nature very very accepting of others, because the majority of them are among the fringes of society: loners, 'freaks', gay/bi/trans/kinky, goths, fairies, techies. You name it, they are accepted.

And if you have no inclination to act, they'll love you even more. See, so many people want to act, but few want to do background work. You show up to a greenroom saying that you want to build or paint or do lights, they'll put you to work immediately, where you will interact with the head person and others.

Also, how about taking up a part-time job? Not only will it generate some income, but it's a great place to meet fellow co-workers. Check out co-ops, bookstores, health food stores and animal shelters for less mainstream work. Or even volunteer. Volunteering is always appreciated.

Finally, it might be worth the while to say that you're a little shy when meeting people. Similar to admitting that you hate public speaking to put your audience at ease, confessing that you're a tad shy but love meeting people will help people to make a little more effort in really getting to know you. It's worked with me.

Above all, chin up and good luck. It might take a little time, but university is a great experience. What you learn about yourself is so much more valuable than what you learn in a classroom.

Good luck

 

[philos]

Yes, I understand this as well. College is hard especially the first year. I would agree with trying a few more clubs. I tried the greek thing at first and then was really uncomfortable with it. I found I actually fit in better with a Catholic study group. I didn't consider myself very religious but it was a free dinner, lots of nice girls there, and some interesting conversations. I'm not saying this would work for you but there must be some spot where you will find a fit. Be careful of the ones that make you uncomfortable.

 

[IAboy]

I echo what everyone said. You just need to put yourself out there and know that you are worth the attention you get.

 

[temp256]

I finally got a chance to meet with my roommates, though they were drinking at the time. Not much in common, but I baked them some cookies.

I guess I'll try sitting at the GLBT lounge again tomorrow, hoping someone will want to talk to me.

Thanks everyone.

 

[bashfullyshameless]

The notion of speaking with a counselor isn't a bad one. I have had a number of people in my life with varying degrees of depression. It's a MEDICAL thing -- "depression" does not mean "sad" or "loser," it means that you have a chemical imbalance that can make life miserable. You may not have that going on, but the exercise of finding out whether that's the case or not is totally worth the effort.

And if one counselor just blows you off, see another one. Sometimes counselors aren't very good at their jobs. Others are. Give it a real chance. You owe it to yourself.

Secondly, I know this is hard to believe right now, but seriously -- and I really mean this -- sometimes you really are surrounded by assholes. Sometimes it really is them and not you. Do not take it hard if you are not easily accepted. College is often a great time filled with awesome people, but sometimes it's also just full of assholes. You do not come off in your statements as unintelligent or inarticulate. I suspect that there's plenty about you that is appealing as a friend. Don't suck all this up and just decide that you're the one who's messed up. Everyone around you is a little messed up in some way, too. I guarantee that.

Finally, and this is likely a little hard, too: try to gauge your feelings and make those efforts to talk to people when you're feeling better, not worse. It is hard to make a positive connection with someone when you are feeling lonely and fragile, even when you have every legitimate reason to be both. Sometimes you're lucky and you run into a naturally caring person, but for the most part people are hesitant to make connections with strangers when they can sense that the stranger is hurting somehow. It doesn't make them or you bad people; it's natural. But again, I rather doubt that someone such as yourself is without appealing qualities.

See a counselor or doctor, though. Seriously. The odds are that you're dealing with a couple of real disadvantages here that create a vicious cycle. If you are indeed suffering from depression, just breaking that part of the cycle will make a TREMENDOUS difference.

 

[SweetErika]

I finally got a chance to meet with my roommates, though they were drinking at the time. Not much in common, but I baked them some cookies.

I guess I'll try sitting at the GLBT lounge again tomorrow, hoping someone will want to talk to me.

Thanks everyone.

Well, hopefully you can build on what you do have in common with your roommates and maybe even ask them to introduce you to any of their friends you have commonalities with.

Instead of sitting there hoping someone will talk to you, why not commit to meeting a certain number of people there? Go introduce yourself, smile, ask them some questions and let them know you're hoping to make friends in the community. Maybe they'll have suggestions on people you should meet or activities you could get involved in. You already have the GLBT aspect in common, so maybe you can go from there.

Put your best, most positive, friendly self forward, and see what comes back to you. I hate to say it, but your persona here strikes me as somewhat negative and sullen; if that's the vibe you're giving off IRL, you're going to have problems. The great news is that you're in a place where you can work on those things and make a fresh start, if need be.

 

[ticklish709]

Well, hopefully you can build on what you do have in common with your roommates and maybe even ask them to introduce you to any of their friends you have commonalities with.

Instead of sitting there hoping someone will talk to you, why not commit to meeting a certain number of people there? Go introduce yourself, smile, ask them some questions and let them know you're hoping to make friends in the community. Maybe they'll have suggestions on people you should meet or activities you could get involved in. You already have the GLBT aspect in common, so maybe you can go from there.

Put your best, most positive, friendly self forward, and see what comes back to you. I hate to say it, but your persona here strikes me as somewhat negative and sullen; if that's the vibe you're giving off IRL, you're going to have problems. The great news is that you're in a place where you can work on those things and make a fresh start, if need be.

I've been in your boat and I soo agree with SweetErika that sitting in a place in hopes of someone wanting to talk to you might not work. My sister is really shy and I've had to tell her this same advice--you talk to others first. You see, I'm a total extravert and I have no problem talking to people. But I hesitate to go up to someone that is 'waiting' for someone to talk to them because I've had several bad experiences with folks that do that. I fear they'll be clingons. You know, people who will cling on me? It is much better for you to put yourself out there and pick people to talk to. I suggest props too--what do you like and can you do it in public? I'll easily walk up to guy practicing magic or card ticks. Or if you don't have something you like to do around people--go to a local animal shelter and volunteer if you love animals. Trust me you won't be alone for long because anyone working/volunteering there will share your passion for animals. I met several guys I ended up dating as I volunteered at my local shelter or while I was walking the dogs. Most importantly--try as many counselors as you can until you find the one that reaches you. I tried three before I found my DR. T and he really helped me out of a deep depression. He even gave me tools to use incase I ever start getting depressed again. Good luck
Ticklish709

 

[PennLady]

Sorry to hear you're having such trouble adjusting. I can relate, from various levels of school, actually. It's easy to just kind of wallow, to stay in your room, but that won't help you, as you already know.

I'll jump on the bandwagon and say first, see a counselor. As so many have said, you are not the only one going through this. So many people are away from their family, their friends, and are plain nervous about it. You may just be nervous, or you may have depression that needs to be dealt with via talking or medicine. Either way it doesn't matter - a problem needs solving.

Take small steps, as well. Say hi to people in your classes, but don't have any expectations of what will happen. That takes the pressure off.

You may have to make yourself do things, but then it will come naturally. Or at least, more easily.

I've just moved out, and started at a new university. I'm not handling it well. I have no friends, no one to talk to, and end up spending all my free time alone in my room.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've been lonely and friendless for a long time, but now I don't even have my parents for socialization. I've tried to find clubs, but everyone socializes with their own little groups, leaving me out. I have no social skills anymore either.

I can't sleep, I can't focus on classes, and the thought of eating makes me ill. I'm thinking about seeing a school counsellor, but every experience I've had with therapists has been entirely negative, leaving me worse off.

I don't even know what I expect to hear for replies.

 

[Norma_Stits]

Whenever I get to this stage I have learned

- please note it didnt come easy -

to visit people or areas where people are worse off than me

It is quite uplifting to come away thinking - hey my problems aint that bad

just sayin

 

[PhilGarlic]

For what its worth

My youngest has just started Uni and was going through some of the same stuff.
You need to make an effort to meet people, don't sit in your room, go and meet people.
There will be clubs for almost anything you can think of, go along, how about the guys you study with, do they hang out somewhere.
There will be people who feel exactly the same as you are, you are not on your own.

Stick this out, some of the people you meet will be friends for the rest of your life, but it may take a while to find them.

Be strong, be friendly and don't be afraid of smiling at people.

 

[AngelBella]

You have got some good suggestions here and I just wanted to add some /hugs. I hope thinks are looking up for you today.

Hang in there!

 

[dollface007]

Oh my dear...Do not go SIT in the LGBT lounge hoping that someone will talk to you. Go up to the person who runs the LGBT program and tell them that you want to volunteer. Help answer phones. Pass out flyers for them. Whatever. People want to be with someone who is dynamic...someone who is doing things. Sitting there and wishing someone would talk to you won't endear you to anyone. Action action action! I know when you are depressed, that's the last thing you want to do, but you need to get off your ass!

 

[philos]

Maybe this unattached time is an opportunity to discover yourself. Are you comfortable being your own company? DO you like who you are? ANd give yourself a break. Enjoy some simple pleasures only a single person can do.

 

[philos]

Doing any better this week?

 

[Felix_Jones]

Drinking helps, give that a go.