jackingfoonow
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2008
- Posts
- 17
loking for feedback on my story
- Thread starter jackingfoonow
- Start date
driphoney
tittivator
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2008
- Posts
- 9,107
Okay. I'm not gay and I'm not male, but I do enjoy the occasional gay male read. I'm also nothing but a hack writer myself, so take my opinion for what it's worth.
The first two sentences/paragraphs confused me and were off-putting. I'm thinking many readers will back-click instantly upon reading those.
Secondly, you have a problem with verisimilitude, in my opinion.
Third thing that struck me was your 6th paragraph. It's monstrously long and contains the entire action of your piece. Readers will have trouble getting through it.
I recommend getting a couple of editors and reading it to an honest, but kind, friend for feedback.
Good luck.
The first two sentences/paragraphs confused me and were off-putting. I'm thinking many readers will back-click instantly upon reading those.
Secondly, you have a problem with verisimilitude, in my opinion.
Third thing that struck me was your 6th paragraph. It's monstrously long and contains the entire action of your piece. Readers will have trouble getting through it.
I recommend getting a couple of editors and reading it to an honest, but kind, friend for feedback.
Good luck.
jackingfoonow
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2008
- Posts
- 17
thanks
i had to look up versimitude
thanks tho
i had to look up versimitude
thanks tho
Hmm. I have to agree with Driphoney. I didn't even understand the reference to 69 until I scrolled down. Uh? What was all that about? It was a short enough story to start with - why would I need to skip even more of it?
I have to confess, in common with many readers here, that when an author infers that a story is true, I immediately backclick. I can't stand true stories. Am I supposed to say, "hey, well done you?" Am I supposed to be envious? I really don't get why so many authors seem to assume that 'true' stories are better than fictitious ones.
Anyway, that said, it wasn't horrible. As a stroke story, it did its job, though that super-long paragraph didn't do you any favors - kind of hard to read so much text crammed together on the page like that.
I have to confess, in common with many readers here, that when an author infers that a story is true, I immediately backclick. I can't stand true stories. Am I supposed to say, "hey, well done you?" Am I supposed to be envious? I really don't get why so many authors seem to assume that 'true' stories are better than fictitious ones.
Anyway, that said, it wasn't horrible. As a stroke story, it did its job, though that super-long paragraph didn't do you any favors - kind of hard to read so much text crammed together on the page like that.
G
Guest
Guest
I can't say that it was my cup of tea.
I would have liked to see more story at the beginning, kind of leading up to the encounter. I know it's all just set up, but I like the paper on my presents to be pretty.
That being said, I liked the car encounter. I did. I don't even like GM stories, but I thought that the other car going by and your heart stopping was a nice touch that added a touch of realism.
you do need an editor, though. January's sticky on the Editor's forum should be up this week sometime and editors will hang out their shingles (so to speak). PM one. you have talent, but it needs some refining.
I would have liked to see more story at the beginning, kind of leading up to the encounter. I know it's all just set up, but I like the paper on my presents to be pretty.
That being said, I liked the car encounter. I did. I don't even like GM stories, but I thought that the other car going by and your heart stopping was a nice touch that added a touch of realism.
you do need an editor, though. January's sticky on the Editor's forum should be up this week sometime and editors will hang out their shingles (so to speak). PM one. you have talent, but it needs some refining.
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