Living a lie

[Secretlydark101]

I am a happily married woman but I have a secret.
My husband is mister perfect but I feel like our sex life is bland.
I told him I like kink and bdsm.

He tries but his inner worry of hurting me keeps holding him back plus its kind of a turn off for him.
I love my husband and have no interest in moving on but I need this part of my life fulfilled.
Vanilla sex just does not get me there and even if I think my way to an organism I still find my self looking at kinky porn to fulfill me a little.

I don't know what to do my husband would not be cool with me finding a sexual partner to fulfill me just for the sex but if I don't get this side of my life fulfilled I feel like I am going to go nuts.
I have done enough talking with him to know he is done with all things kinky and wants me to just drop the subject but I am a very sexual female.

I dream about finding a secret club and joining just to get fucked the way I need but nothing like that exists where I live.

What should I do?

 

[RoyceConnors]

usually comes down to, 'if he won't give you the sex you want, he doesn't get the sex he wants'. He has to respect your needs and desires as much as his own and the fact of it is, he doesn't own you in any way, especially sexually. If he loved you, he would make sure that side of you was fulfilled and give you balance.

I would find a partner who you can respect and trust and enjoy it in private when you can. Less people that know, the better. good luck

 

[MeekMe]

usually comes down to, 'if he won't give you the sex you want, he doesn't get the sex he wants'. He has to respect your needs and desires as much as his own and the fact of it is, he doesn't own you in any way, especially sexually. If he loved you, he would make sure that side of you was fulfilled and give you balance.

I would find a partner who you can respect and trust and enjoy it in private when you can. Less people that know, the better. good luck

This goes both ways, ya know? If he isn't into it, why should he suddenly make himself uncomfortable to fill her needs? She should respect his needs as well.

Secretlydark101, what are your interests? Kinky sex is a pretty generic term and could mean just about anything that isn't missionary. What have you tried that made him uncomfortable?

There are a lot of things that could be done that could be more comfortable for him and more fulfilling for you. What did you try that made him afraid he was going to hurt you? I can think of a lot of kinky activities that don't involve any kind of pain or need to be rough.

I've also fulfilled my own needs by myself with great success. It just depends on what you're interested in.

I'm adding this because I think it's a helpful link.

 

[RoyceConnors]

This goes both ways, ya know? If he isn't into it, why should he suddenly make himself uncomfortable to fill her needs? She should respect his needs as well.

Secretlydark101, what are your interests? Kinky sex is a pretty generic term and could mean just about anything that isn't missionary. What have you tried that made him uncomfortable?

There are a lot of things that could be done that could be more comfortable for him and more fulfilling for you. What did you try that made him afraid he was going to hurt you? I can think of a lot of kinky activities that don't involve any kind of pain or need to be rough.

I've also fulfilled my own needs by myself with great success. It just depends on what you're interested in.

I'm adding this because I think it's a helpful link.

The point she made was that it has been well discussed and he isn't in to it. She has respected his needs, or they wouldn't still be happily married. This is her needs going unfulfilled because he can't deal with it and doesn't want to. She isn't being respected that way and needs someone to Dom her the way she wants to be.

 

[Secretlydark101]

I tried being tied up and a little hot and cold play he was not into it. I tried rp but he gets all moral on I should be with him not a fantasy.
I like it a little rough but if it's more than an ass slap or feet over my head he just ain't there.

 

[MeekMe]

I tried being tied up and a little hot and cold play he was not into it. I tried rp but he gets all moral on I should be with him not a fantasy.
I like it a little rough but if it's more than an ass slap or feet over my head he just ain't there.

I hope you get a chance to read the link. Have you tried discussing any fantasies he might have? Maybe showing interest in doing that could spark something?

Something that helped me, was showing how much I enjoyed different activities. I really enjoy bondage, and for a long time I didn't tell my husband. So I learned to tie myself up and found fulfillment in solo activity. When I finally went to him, it was rocky. He wasn't that interested, but he wasn't shutting it down completely. We tried things that were uncomfortable and almost stopped everything because we had started off doing too much. There was also issues with communication. Our definitions didn't match up, so what he thought I wanted and what I actually wanted were very different things. Things that worked for me: I demonstrated what I liked on myself, if he participated I made sure to give positive reinforcement. When he was able to see that he wasn't hurting me and that I was really enjoying it, he felt a lot more comfortable. I know that not everyone will have success like this, but it's always worth a suggestion.

Is there a chance you could give him some reading material? There are some great websites and books available.

I'm going to emphasize the positive reinforcement thing. Has he shut down the idea because he now feels inadequate? I think sometimes it can feel insulting when one partner tells another they need more. Maybe he feels hurt that maybe he wasn't doing a very good job? I'm only speculating (especially since he seems upset about RPing) because I don't know what your conversations have been like. I really hope you can find some sort of compromise or solution (that isn't cheating).

 

[Aluris]

☆☆☆☆☆

 

[IrisAlthea]

The point she made was that it has been well discussed and he isn't in to it. She has respected his needs, or they wouldn't still be happily married. This is her needs going unfulfilled because he can't deal with it and doesn't want to. She isn't being respected that way and needs someone to Dom her the way she wants to be.

It's one of those sad facts of life, that we can't have everything and anything we want. We often have to choose when different needs and wants conflict with each other.
Getting what you want secretly behind someones back, might seem like a solution, but you still risk your relationship.

Secretlydark, I don't think there is any way around deciding what is need and what is want in your situation.
Not in the long run anyway.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Aluris]

☆☆☆☆☆

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RoyceConnors]

It's one of those sad facts of life, that we can't have everything and anything we want. We often have to choose when different needs and wants conflict with each other.
Getting what you want secretly behind someones back, might seem like a solution, but you still risk your relationship.

Secretlydark, I don't think there is any way around deciding what is need and what is want in your situation.
Not in the long run anyway.

And there's my point Iris, why can't we have what we want? When did she give up her happiness and say she wanted to be unhappy and unfulfilled in life? No partner, no matter how loving, has no right to deny another's happiness based on their own opinions or feelings. It's not about him, it's about her and if he truly loves her, he will forego any personal feelings and do it for her happiness, which is why he's supposed to be with her in the first place. If he wanted vanilla sex, he should have married a vanilla girl. She wants a variety of flavours and she's stuck with vanilla for the rest of her life and all I see is her leaving him anyway because the pull of her needs and desires will become to strong to deny and overlook.

I saw this happen numerous times when I was a part of the swing scene and listened to why they joined up. It was better than cheating and gave both a chance to enjoy something together and most women had their long-desired fantasies come true. One thing that always happened, was every couple went home happy and loving each other.

Sex is shared, not owned. It is a person's privilege to share themselves with another person, not for that person to then dictate what or not what that person can do.

 

[subwannabe]

Couple of questions:

1. How long have you been married?

2. Did you have these same feelings before getting married or is this something that developed afterwards?

 

[IrisAlthea]

And there's my point Iris, why can't we have what we want? When did she give up her happiness and say she wanted to be unhappy and unfulfilled in life? No partner, no matter how loving, has no right to deny another's happiness based on their own opinions or feelings. It's not about him, it's about her and if he truly loves her, he will forego any personal feelings and do it for her happiness, which is why he's supposed to be with her in the first place. If he wanted vanilla sex, he should have married a vanilla girl. She wants a variety of flavours and she's stuck with vanilla for the rest of her life and all I see is her leaving him anyway because the pull of her needs and desires will become to strong to deny and overlook.

I saw this happen numerous times when I was a part of the swing scene and listened to why they joined up. It was better than cheating and gave both a chance to enjoy something together and most women had their long-desired fantasies come true. One thing that always happened, was every couple went home happy and loving each other.

Sex is shared, not owned. It is a person's privilege to share themselves with another person, not for that person to then dictate what or not what that person can do.

Sure, it's better to find someone compatible from the beginning. Ideally he would have married vanilla and she would have married kinky.
It's just that sometimes people don't know each other or even themselves that well when they first get together.

Personally, I think people are entitled to have limits and they even have the right to have non-monogamy as a limit. That does complicate things when it comes to those needs that can't be fulfilled within the relationship.

As I said, I don't think there is a way around some really tough questions and negotiations, but "you should let me have what I need/want" seems just as un-helpful as "you shouldn't want/need that".

 

[Aluris]

☆☆☆☆☆

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RoyceConnors]

And people wonder why there's so much unhappiness in marriages and places like Ashley Madison exist because of that. No one can stop a person from doing something they truly feel is a part of them and need to have it in their lives. Try and it's an instant parting of the ways.

I can't agree on anyone being denied because of another's likes/dislikes. Her hubby might be Mr. Perfect in many ways, but if he isn't perfect in bed, she will find someone who is. That's just a fact of life and can't be denied, it's in everyone's face every day to deny it. Women want to enjoy the sex they want today, not the sex their parents had and everyone told them was the right sex to have.

Guys have had it their way all this time and I for one want to see women enjoy sex their way for a change. It's time for an attitude adjustment all around.

 

[MeekMe]

It's not about her, it's about him and if she truly loves him, she will forego any personal feelings and do it for his happiness, which is why she's supposed to be with him in the first place. If she wanted kinky sex, she should have married a kinky guy. He wants vanilla and he's stuck with a variety of flavours not vanilla for the rest of his life and all I see is him leaving her anyway because the pull of his needs and desires will become to strong to deny and overlook.

Both ways...

Wanting kinky sex does not have more importance than his not wanting kinky sex. Someone on the kinky perspective may think, "but it's just better sex, and he's a guy! Guys LOVE getting all their porno-watching fantasies fulfilled! He should feel LUCKY she wants more interesting sex."

Meanwhile, he's thinking, "WTF? What we do works for me, and I thought it worked for her. This kinky stuff makes my boner sad and a sad boner makes sex difficult for me."

I think there could be some miscommunication and incompatibility that they need to work through. The answer isn't cheating. Afterall, isn't cheating just the longer, more painful route to the end?

OP, I hope you'll be able to gather some resources and be able to have a conversation with your husband about the needs you both have. There may be a solution you haven't thought about that could help your otherwise good marriage. I don't think you should be denied your wants/needs, but I think lying to your husband and cheating on him would have a greater negative impact on both of you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MeekMe]

I didn't know what a marmoset was, so I looked it up.

(@_@) I really hope you get your marmoset, Elle. 'Cause those critters are cute!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RoyceConnors]

to make ANY relationship work, 3 things have to be in place, or it can't be a relationship. Respect, Trust and Love. Take away, or diminish any one of them and the relationship is over or in serious jeopardy.

With that said, 4 C's of relationship maintenance have to be observed always.

Communication, co-operation, compromise and contact. All are pretty clear what's needed in each.

When it comes to compromise, if a partner can't fulfill a their partners needs, what kind of compromise can be made to accommodate both parties so both can be happy? In this case, the hubby isn't willing to compromise in any way and wants it the way he feels comfortable doing things and ignoring her needs completely. There is a lack of compromise right there.

She wanted him to try, but he gave her every lame excused not to do it and wants her to just be who he wants her to be to make himself be happy. It won't take long before the vanilla sex he enjoys will become boring and perfunctory to her and just let him do what he wants, so she can do her own thing after to get off. His cock will be replaced by toys that do more for her than what he's willing to give her and separation is inevitable.

He'll complain she doesn't put any effort into it and she'll say why, when he puts no effort into pleasing her. It's how every marriage begins to fall apart, no matter how much everything else might be great. Problems in the bedroom are the worst ones to deal with.

So, saying monogamy and denial are what she should look at is disrespectful to her. That's just saying what she wants doesn't count and just be content with being his vanilla ice cream cone. How is that a good solution to her dilemma?

I'm not condoning cheating at all, far from it. I'm just stating that her needs need to be met by him in one form or another, or she will go that route to fulfill what needs need to be fulfilled. Either swinging, allowing a lover, or doing it himself, it's all the choices he has, other than let her go.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RoyceConnors]

I am a happily married woman but I have a secret.
My husband is mister perfect but I feel like our sex life is bland.
I told him I like kink and bdsm.

He tries but his inner worry of hurting me keeps holding him back plus its kind of a turn off for him.
I love my husband and have no interest in moving on but I need this part of my life fulfilled.
Vanilla sex just does not get me there and even if I think my way to an organism I still find my self looking at kinky porn to fulfill me a little.

I don't know what to do my husband would not be cool with me finding a sexual partner to fulfill me just for the sex but if I don't get this side of my life fulfilled I feel like I am going to go nuts.
I have done enough talking with him to know he is done with all things kinky and wants me to just drop the subject but I am a very sexual female.

I dream about finding a secret club and joining just to get fucked the way I need but nothing like that exists where I live.

What should I do?

Looking at everything highlighted, I would say the communication part was tried and failed to accomplish anything. She clearly states this is a big part of who she is and needs to be and he refuses.

She states clearly also, she can't live her life like that with him and will go insane, unless she gets her needs fulfilled.

Everything I stated shows there is a problem with the basics of the relationship and the maintenance of it isn't even in question. Everyone changes and a partner has to accept changes, because they themselves change. That's the respect and trust part, allowing their partner's happiness before their own. That's selfish ownership of her to expect her to deny herself forever, while he remains happy.

It's her dilemma and I'd like to hear what she has to say about the responses. We can debate semantics of relationships all day, but it's her input we need to carry on.

 

[Secretlydark101]

Op

So to answer one question I was asked.

I have been married seven years.

Another question I was a virgin when we married an he was a divorcee.

My husband is twelve years older than me and had sown his wild oats.

He used to bee quite wild and had a raunchy sex life in his youth but now is content with pain old plain.

I was raised by pious people never given a chance to explore. I was married at twenty and had only dated two guys before meeting my husband.

I didn't know what I wanted then because I never had the chance to explore my wants.

But deep inside I have always known I liked the idea of wilder sex.

I just pushed it down for my raising.

I have spent seven years doing it his way and asking to try this or that.

He may try it once but won't do it again and most of the time won't even consider my ideas.

In the past I have been like whatever I love him so I need to make him happy.

But what about my happy?