Little problem

[Guest]

First of all let me say that i am 18 year old male. I have been reading posts on this page for about 6 months now and i value the opinions of you people. My problem has nothing to do with sex, it has something to do with dating a girl. Okay, here's my dilly of a pickle

There is a girl(for the sake of protecting the innocent i will call her J) that i would like to date. Now i work with J and have been working with her for about 3 months. Me and J get along very well. I give her rides home from work when she needs them and i help her with stuff she needs help with. The problem is that she has a boyfriend. I do not know how long they have been dating(has to be over three months) but one minute she talks about how much of a jerk he is, then the other minute she says how much she loves him. She says he is not a gentlemen, he does not hold doors for her or pay for her, but he is nice(???). But for the last month or so i have been noticing her talking more to me than other people. She turns down rides from other guys and tells them she *might* get a ride from me. We both share the same interests, and we both like being around each other(as far as i can tell). Now i want to know how i can ask her if she is willing to break up with her boyfriend and go out with me. I don't want to disrupt our friendship if she says she does not feel how i do. I also don't want to break up two people who have been dating for a while and seem to like each other a lot. I don't know if i should wait a while and see if they break up, or take the bull by the horns. It's one of those where if i don't do it i will be miserable, but if i do do it and it doesn't go my way i will be more miserable. There is also the factor of i have met her boyfriend and he really likes her, maybe even loves her and if i broke them up and things did not work out between me and her i could not live with myself knowing i ruined something for them as well. So i need people to put in there two cents of what i should do. I'm really confused.

 

[CreamyLady]

I don't think you are the only one who is confused; I think the young lady might be feeling a bit of confusion herself.

My guess is she and her boyfriend have hit some rough patches, and you were there -- admiring and sharing interests and sympathy -- and she began to compare you.

She's torn, because very likely her boyfriend is wild about her, and she still has feelings for him. However, she allowed herself to think about you, too, and she has something of a conflict.

My advice? Chill it a little. Don't be so quick with the rides, or sympathy, or friendly shoulder. Let her know she has some decisions to make, and needs time to do it, and in the meantime, find some other interests of your own.

If they break up, it will be because they wish it, and you won't be the casus belli. That is NOT a happy position to be in.

 

[Weird Harold]

Patience is the key

...she has a boyfriend. I do not know how long they have been dating(has to be over three months) but one minute she talks about how much of a jerk he is, then the other minute she says how much she loves him. She says he is not a gentlemen, he does not hold doors for her or pay for her, but he is nice(???).

Keep being her friend, and be patience. It sounds like her boyfriend is not going to last forever.

If the opportunity arises, ask her to be your 'date' for some event that propriety requires you to attend with a partner. i.e. "it's not really a date" kind of date. That will allow you to demonstrate your good manners and show her what she's missing.

Don't push things, and let her relationship fail on it's own. Do little things, like remembering her birthday without being prompted. If you can show her how much you care about her, without becoming her "big brother" she'll eventually turn to you if it's meant to happen.

 

[Skitten]

Give her some time to make the right decision no pressure I am sure she still has feelings for her boyfriend she is just somewhat confused right now. Not that you were wrong maybe she is a little to unsure of her relationship so my advice is let her make her decision first.

 

[Budokan]

I wouldn't waste your time getting involved with a woman who might be on the rebound. Be friendly, and be willing to help her out if she asks, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it the way you seem to be.