Little bit melancholy

[Earthgoddess]

Well here it is August 16,a day that for myself is touched with sadness. Twelve years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful,healthy baby girl...that I knew I was giving to the most fabulous set of parents in the Universe. But no matter how happy my decision makes me,or how wonderful her parents are-I am still sad that,well it still makes me sad to have been in that situation. So as I head off to the pool with my fantastic little boy, I find myself lost a bit in thought. I will be playing with him,and to the rest of the world I am the mom of a 4 1/2 year old boy. But inside I have a daughter on the fragile edge of her teens.
I am very lucky as I do know that she is really special-smart,funny,kind,happy and turning out just great.
This year is worse in a way since it is a milestone-her last year in childhood. Add to that the fact that my hubby's favorite Grandmother passed on yesterday, and I am really pmsing(verbing a noun?)-I am a bundle of nerves and full of grief.
I am not even quite sure why I am posting this-I was not going to mention the date to anyone...birth mothers are quirky I suppose-no one ever acknowledges our children's birthdays,that is something you only do to parents.
So if any of you are adoptees know that your birthday is remembered and cherished by a hidden woman...a day full of might have been and never was...God I am so sorry,this is way too maudlin...I suppose grief does that-I feel lucky that my loss is a richness for someone and that my life would not have included many of my riches if indeed i had not made that choice 12 years ago...I also think it is making me feel quite old to have a daughter emerging into her maiden time-even if I am not directly influencing her...pardon me while I look for my crone outfit...speaking of my other thread on Ancient History-I just realized that I have a child almost as old as the girls I was working with-scary!
Thanks for letting me share-getting a little misty,gonna go pretend I am a sea monster and try to devour my lil guy-who is racing about right now in goggles and nothing else-better go chase down the nekkid kid and plop him in a swim suit. I feel better just having posted this.

 

[Shylady]

(((((EarthGoddess)))) I admire your decision. I know it was the hardest one you have probably ever made.
I know there are lives richer for it.

 

[CreamyLady]

Oh, Earthgoddess . . . HUGS!!!

Put away the Crone outfit. You are not finished being a Mother; you won't be until the last hurrah, so don't rush it. You know that loss, and grief, and sentiment, and anger, and exasperation, and love, and laughter, and the acquisition of perspective are all parts of being a Mother.

My daughter is 23. I'm not ready for cronehood, either, though I'm in active training.

I do applaud your decision. I have four cousins who were adopted, and we all remember their birth mothers on their birthdays, even if we don't know exactly who they are.

 

[morgainefairy]

i also was adopted and when i was 16 i moved in with my birth father. i had no idea the tremendous amount of guilt, sadness, hope for me over the years, and deep udying unconditional love he had until recently. it has a huge effect on a person's life. so, i understand how you feel and wish you the best on this bittersweet day.

 

[Guest]

As having been adopted myself, and placing a child up for adoption, I can safely say "been there done that". There's always tough times...but I try to focus on my son's happiness (and the happiness of his adoptive parents).

I know my parents were very happy when adopting me. They had gotten married in 70, and had tried having kids since. They were starting to come to terms with infertility when they sought out adoption. I was born in 77. Eleven months later my sister (a biological child) was born.

My child's adoptive parents went through a similar situation. They dealt with years of infertility, and sought adoption. Well, sixteen months after my son was born, they ended out having a biological son.


~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

 

[Laurel]

EG - *hugs*... You're a wonderful mommie, and that little girl probably wishes you were hers. I know I wish you were mine. That's a tough choice to make, and you made the right decision. Your baby boy has benefitted from the fact that you had a chance to grow up a little more, and now he has the best mom in the world.

 

[Skitten]

Earthgoddess;
You are a good mom in more ways than you think. You had the courage to give up your daughter and place her in a secure and loving home. Which is a very unselfish act to do. You should be happy she is doing well and you job will never be over. You have a wonderful little boy with whom you cherrish very much and whom needs his mom very much.

Remember even as our kids get older they may pull away from us but that is when we need to be strong and supportive in so many ways. Don't feel too badly you made a wonderful decision for your daughter. And I admire your deciison you were able to help her in her life by giving her something you weren't ready for. And that is a very special mom which you are. So try to be happy you are wonderful.

 

[Guest]

I hope you feel a little less melancholy now, Earthgoddess, after writing about it here.

I think it must be really tough knowing your daughter's reached this age and that you can't really have a direct influence on her life or get to spend her birthday with her.

Would it help at all if you went out and chose the perfect birthday card and present for her? You don't have to actually buy them - just choose what you would get her if the circumstances were different.

Anyway, take care, EG.

 

[Sonora]

((((((EG))))))))

I'm glad that you can find comfort in posting your thoughts and felings.

I wasn't adopted and have never given birth, but I loved reading your post. It brought tears to my eyes. It made me think of a mother's love for her child and how it is undying. It made me think of my mom who had been dead for almost 10 years.

Thank you Earthgoddess.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thank you all-we made it through the day-and I must say planning funeral arrangements for hubby's wonderful grandmother did indeed make it far worse. I cried alot,and spent more time than usual hugging my son. reading the responses to this made me cry more-Roger I stood in the shower with hubby and just lost it after reading your post-this is one of the first years I hadn't pretend shopped for her,perhaps I needed to...well typing this is making me cry,so I shall say goodnight and see you in a few days...we have a funeral to attend then hubby begins his two week
"summer camp" for the National Guard-I am sure the lonely times at night will propell me to the board...See you later, and thank you all so much.

 

[Guest]

Hope you feel a little brighter after you get back, EG.

Take care
rog

 

[Beebeeblue]

(((((((((((((BIG BBB HUGS YOUR WAY EG)))))))))))))

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

Positive to Death

Today the 17th is my birthday. I have a 17 year old son. An 11 year old son and a new baby boy of six months.

The new one was to be one of a pair - identical twin boys. We lost one full term.

It was terrible. Dreams and visions shattered.

But we have a very healthy - off the chart - fat, 22lbs now - wild man of a little baby boy - the surviving twin. He's beautiful.

His health is in fact a blessing - he weighed 3.5 lbs at birth.

He's great and takes up nearly all of our thoughts - but we still think about his brother and what if.

Yet we concentrate and specialize in the "here and now" - we maintian positive thoughts.

Positive to death.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Well I am back from my melancholy state and the state of Massachussets where I attended the most wonderful memorial service for my dear hubby's grandmother...So it was really cathartic to cry and mourn and wail and weep...then we all laughed and remembered and laughed until we cried again-it really helped me put it all into perspective... Plus Dionysus and I are now(having told members of the family) officially trying to concieve-and that is helping too.
I wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful supportive posts and thank you Laurel for having a board where I can come to do such wonderful things...
Btw I go away for a few days and all heck's flying around here-dang too many posts to read and too much to try to reply too-better pace myself...
Another positive thing is that we are getting a new kitten-a feral rescue but a little guy so he/she?? is still really tame...going to the vets asap and then we hope to bring him/her home...son is so excited!!!
We are struggling over a name now-son wants to call kitten -"Kitten" or "marshmellow"...we'll update you as soon as this critical situation is resolved...

 

[Jade]

Earthgoddess....I had no idea... we all have our stories here... thanks so much for sharing yours with such unbridled honesty and love.


((((((Earthgoddess and Dionysus's current kid, older-adopted kid, new kitty, and baby to be conceived))))))

 

[Ravenloft]

Hey, Earthgoddess, if your still blue I could sing you a verse from Veggie tales... That always cheers me up...

I hate to see any of my fave litians sad after all.

Ravenlofts ETA: one week!!!!
Boowahahahahahahah!!!!!
Fear me!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

*sigh*

Glad you had a place to go with all that EG. Hope you're okay.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thank you Dixon-((((((hugs))))))))
Omigod Ravenloft-hugging you so very,very very HARD
I have missed you(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
thanks Jade!

 

[ShyGuy68]

Earthgoddess.

I sat here the first day I read this thread, and tried to compose a post in response to your thread, but I just couldn't get the words to come out. And I wanted to let you know that I really felt for you, and the troubles that you went through.

What you did with your daughter was something that took a lot of courage. To me it seems like you decided on the hard way out of your problem, by having your child, and not getting an abortion. And still you had the energy to find is a loving family to take care of her. She is a very lucky child to have had you as her birthmother.

And then to top it all up, you loose a beloved member of your family. Sometimes things just have to come down hard on you, when you are already down.

I know I'm posting this reply long time after you started the thread, but I think it have been brewing in my subconsciousness, and now I could finally put some words on it.

I wish you all the best in the future, and good luck in conceiving what will be a very loved child.

 

[Carl East]

Dear Earthgoddess, I truly feel for you at this moment in time. We all tend to joke around having fun on this board, without realising that each life we touch, no matter how minutely is a life richer for the experience. You have touched me with your grief, and I pray you find the piece of mind you deserve. All the best.


Carl.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

So much love....

That's what I felt when I read your post.That's what I felt when I read the replies. That's what I feel now, for you.

blue

 

[Cheri]

Earthgoddess, your post has been on my mind since I first read it, I just wanted to think of something constructive to say before replying. Have you ever thought of registering with orgainizations who help adoptees find their birth parents. That way your daughter would know you want to be found when and if she would start looking. Sorry, I know next to nothing about such organizations, except that they exist. Maybe by doing this you would feel as though you're not helpless and that you might have a future together.
I hope I didn't offend you by posting this.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thank you all again-(((((hugs))))))
Actually I have had numerous folks remind me that there are contact organizations...I thank you but as this was one of Mass. first open adoptions I am well aquainted with her parents-lol-In fact my son just scooted by in some of her sister's hand-me -down's...her parents after 4 crushing miscarriages adopted her-then 6 years later(Mom was 45 at the time) found themselves pregnant with twin girls-I was part of a highly publicized adoption-There is even a book called "Open Adoptions" by Linc Kaplan(sp) that uses our scenerio-it is not accurate or fair in it's protrayal of me as most of the interviews took place when I was not very balanced...At any rate I am happy with her life-she knows me but not as her birth mother-a decision made by her parents for now,too much to adjust too, and besides she hasn't asked to meet me...the twelth birthday was just hard-it's a milestone birthday in my family-everyone makes abig deal about 12-I wrote her parents a letter and enclosed a note for her memory book-am hunting about for photots of me at 12 to send copies of also...scary I am wearing lots of beads and tie-dye-she probably does too-and to think I was 12 in 1979...
Thank you all for your warm and non-judgemental words it has helped me so much more than I will ever be able to explain...It made it possible for me to comehere to grieve so that I could help my husband through his loss-we both were able to really grieve for his grandmother,and he did not feel guilty for needing me-
Big Sigh-you guys are great-all of you who took time to respond I thank you-((((((hugs)))))))))