Never
Come What May
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2000
- Posts
- 23,234
One upon a time in a wonderful place called Lit’erotiland, there lived a wondrous elven princess named Starfish. Starfish lived contentedly among the horny possums and other critters that roamed wild by the Sea of Love over which, on a lacy white cliff, perched the Castle Debrassier. It was wonderful.
Every day the princess would take her pointy eared self and walk along the beach. Now these beaches weren’t white or brownish like normal beaches, no. These beaches were wonderful, happy colors, like cotton candy pink, sour-patch blue, and watermelon green. In truth, the sand was not sand at all, but a type of sandish sugar. Nor was the Sea of Love brackish, but rather sweet and pleasant to the taste. Nevertheless, one’s mother would not let one taste the Sea of Love until one had eaten one’s vegetables from the Forrest of Reasonable Maturity.
One fair day the wonderful princess was wandering along the beach, swinging her picnic basket, and munching on such things as apples and fennel. As she wandered along the seashore, Starfish sighed and selected shellfishes and seashells from the sand so latter she could sell them to Sally, the castle seashell seller. (try saying that five times fast) Starfish was bored selecting shells for she had done so for several years and it was about time she found another hobby. Crocheting perhaps? Badminton?
Lost in thought she picked up what she assumed was an exceptionally large, pearly seashell and began to wipe the sand off it. As she wiped a thick plume of dark pink smoke began to pour from the opening of the shell. Starfish screeched and dropped the shell, cowering from the giant figure that now appeared. The apparition was at least five feet tall, though it seemed to stand at ten. Flames burst from its cruel eyes and the sky seemed to darken as it rose as the plume gathered into the smoky form of a woman.
“Who has awakened me from my rest? Who has freed the Efreetah of the seashell?”
“It was my sister bratcat.” Starfish sputtered. “She ran down the beach when she saw you growing. If you hurry, you can still catch her!”
“Do not lie to the Efreetah of the Seashell!” The woman bellowed as she crossed her arms tightly in front of her. “I know it was you that rubbed the Seashell.”
“W-w-why did you ask then?”
“Well I – ah. Well I... Do not question the Efreetah of the Seashell! Now, what is your name?”
“I am Starfish. Please forgive me. I did not mean to question you most powerful and noble Efreetah. I am but a poor princess, out gathering seashells for my friend. I did not mean to disturb you.”
“Forgive? There is no forgiveness in my heart. I have been trapped in within this Seashell for five thousand years. Throughout this time I comforted myself with the thoughts of what would happen to whomever freed me, whether through accident or design.”
“And what would that be?” Starfish asked.
“Don’t interrupt – I was just getting to that. For the first thousand years, I swore that whomever released me from my Seashell would become the wealthiest of men. For the second thousand years, I swore that whosoever should free me would never age and live as a young man or woman until the end of their days.”
“Oh, that sounds good.”
“You’re not getting that, so don’t think about it.” The Efreetah snapped.
“Sorry. Gee, you don’t have to be so piss-“
“For the third thousand years,” The Efreetah continued. “I swore that the brave soul to free me from my imprisonment would become the wisest and more shrewd of men. For the fourth thousand years, I swore that whatever soul freed me from my torment would be afflicted with sores and boils.”
“Oh fuck.” Starfish muttered. “I always have the worst of luck.”
“And for my fifth, and final, thousand years,” The Efreetah paused dramatically. “I swore that he, or she, that released me from the Seashell would spend a year in agony as he, or she, writhed in a pool of molten glass.”
Starfish’s shoulders drooped in defeat. There was no way to fight an Efreet. Why was it always her? Why didn’t Nora ever get into this sort of trouble? So what if she was the seventh daughter of the seventh daughter? The rest of them were just as good. Being the eldest daughter sucked bigtime.
“So...” Starfish said as she stared down at her bare feet and poked the sand with her big toe. “I suppose you’re going to throw me into that pool of burning grass now?”
“You bet your sweet bootie!” Bellowed the Efreetah and began to wave her arms in a most melodramatic manner while chanting:
“The Great Efreetah shall grant no wish,
But places this curse on Starfish,
For a year will lay her ass,
In a sea of burning grass! Er, GLASS. I meant glass not grass. Oh drat. This is what happens when I get carried away.”
Nevertheless, it was too late. As the last syllable of her rhyme echoed in the air thousands of gaily-colored plants sprouted from the sugary sand and began to smolder. Soon the entire beach was awash in a dense, sweet smelling smoke. Instead of the sight of the Princess’s flesh melting away, the Efreetah had the much less satisfying view of Starfish smiling and giggling, her ass firmly stuck to the ground.
“I suppose.” Said the Efreetah. “That you think this is damned funny. Well it’s not!”
Starfish laughed in reply.
The Efreetah stamped her non-existent foot on the ground, causing a small tremor. “I’m not finished, Princess, not by a long shot. You said you had a sister?”
“Bratcat. She’s the second oldest.”
“Where is she?” the Efreetah snapped.
“I think she’s…someplace. Yeah, definitely someplace.” Starfish’s voice had acquired a soft, dreamlike quality. The Efreetah leaned over and peered into her eyes. One pupil almost filled her eye while the other had shrunk to the size of Hanns’ dick.
“That’s some funky weed.” Muttered the Efreetah. Gathering that she wasn’t going to get any help from the Princess she began to scan the cliffs above her. She quickly spotted the Castle; its long white towers jutted up into the air in a most phallic manner.
“An excellent starting place. You might have escaped me Princess, but your six sisters will pay the price for your duplicity.” Here the Efreetah laughed. It was a nice, evil laugh, reminiscent of the one used by the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Efreetah was quite proud of it. Starfish seemed unimpressed and, instead of covering in fear, simply favored the Efreetah with a large, warm grin.
The Efreetah cursed in an unknown language, folded her arms, nodded her head, and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.
Every day the princess would take her pointy eared self and walk along the beach. Now these beaches weren’t white or brownish like normal beaches, no. These beaches were wonderful, happy colors, like cotton candy pink, sour-patch blue, and watermelon green. In truth, the sand was not sand at all, but a type of sandish sugar. Nor was the Sea of Love brackish, but rather sweet and pleasant to the taste. Nevertheless, one’s mother would not let one taste the Sea of Love until one had eaten one’s vegetables from the Forrest of Reasonable Maturity.
One fair day the wonderful princess was wandering along the beach, swinging her picnic basket, and munching on such things as apples and fennel. As she wandered along the seashore, Starfish sighed and selected shellfishes and seashells from the sand so latter she could sell them to Sally, the castle seashell seller. (try saying that five times fast) Starfish was bored selecting shells for she had done so for several years and it was about time she found another hobby. Crocheting perhaps? Badminton?
Lost in thought she picked up what she assumed was an exceptionally large, pearly seashell and began to wipe the sand off it. As she wiped a thick plume of dark pink smoke began to pour from the opening of the shell. Starfish screeched and dropped the shell, cowering from the giant figure that now appeared. The apparition was at least five feet tall, though it seemed to stand at ten. Flames burst from its cruel eyes and the sky seemed to darken as it rose as the plume gathered into the smoky form of a woman.
“Who has awakened me from my rest? Who has freed the Efreetah of the seashell?”
“It was my sister bratcat.” Starfish sputtered. “She ran down the beach when she saw you growing. If you hurry, you can still catch her!”
“Do not lie to the Efreetah of the Seashell!” The woman bellowed as she crossed her arms tightly in front of her. “I know it was you that rubbed the Seashell.”
“W-w-why did you ask then?”
“Well I – ah. Well I... Do not question the Efreetah of the Seashell! Now, what is your name?”
“I am Starfish. Please forgive me. I did not mean to question you most powerful and noble Efreetah. I am but a poor princess, out gathering seashells for my friend. I did not mean to disturb you.”
“Forgive? There is no forgiveness in my heart. I have been trapped in within this Seashell for five thousand years. Throughout this time I comforted myself with the thoughts of what would happen to whomever freed me, whether through accident or design.”
“And what would that be?” Starfish asked.
“Don’t interrupt – I was just getting to that. For the first thousand years, I swore that whomever released me from my Seashell would become the wealthiest of men. For the second thousand years, I swore that whosoever should free me would never age and live as a young man or woman until the end of their days.”
“Oh, that sounds good.”
“You’re not getting that, so don’t think about it.” The Efreetah snapped.
“Sorry. Gee, you don’t have to be so piss-“
“For the third thousand years,” The Efreetah continued. “I swore that the brave soul to free me from my imprisonment would become the wisest and more shrewd of men. For the fourth thousand years, I swore that whatever soul freed me from my torment would be afflicted with sores and boils.”
“Oh fuck.” Starfish muttered. “I always have the worst of luck.”
“And for my fifth, and final, thousand years,” The Efreetah paused dramatically. “I swore that he, or she, that released me from the Seashell would spend a year in agony as he, or she, writhed in a pool of molten glass.”
Starfish’s shoulders drooped in defeat. There was no way to fight an Efreet. Why was it always her? Why didn’t Nora ever get into this sort of trouble? So what if she was the seventh daughter of the seventh daughter? The rest of them were just as good. Being the eldest daughter sucked bigtime.
“So...” Starfish said as she stared down at her bare feet and poked the sand with her big toe. “I suppose you’re going to throw me into that pool of burning grass now?”
“You bet your sweet bootie!” Bellowed the Efreetah and began to wave her arms in a most melodramatic manner while chanting:
“The Great Efreetah shall grant no wish,
But places this curse on Starfish,
For a year will lay her ass,
In a sea of burning grass! Er, GLASS. I meant glass not grass. Oh drat. This is what happens when I get carried away.”
Nevertheless, it was too late. As the last syllable of her rhyme echoed in the air thousands of gaily-colored plants sprouted from the sugary sand and began to smolder. Soon the entire beach was awash in a dense, sweet smelling smoke. Instead of the sight of the Princess’s flesh melting away, the Efreetah had the much less satisfying view of Starfish smiling and giggling, her ass firmly stuck to the ground.
“I suppose.” Said the Efreetah. “That you think this is damned funny. Well it’s not!”
Starfish laughed in reply.
The Efreetah stamped her non-existent foot on the ground, causing a small tremor. “I’m not finished, Princess, not by a long shot. You said you had a sister?”
“Bratcat. She’s the second oldest.”
“Where is she?” the Efreetah snapped.
“I think she’s…someplace. Yeah, definitely someplace.” Starfish’s voice had acquired a soft, dreamlike quality. The Efreetah leaned over and peered into her eyes. One pupil almost filled her eye while the other had shrunk to the size of Hanns’ dick.
“That’s some funky weed.” Muttered the Efreetah. Gathering that she wasn’t going to get any help from the Princess she began to scan the cliffs above her. She quickly spotted the Castle; its long white towers jutted up into the air in a most phallic manner.
“An excellent starting place. You might have escaped me Princess, but your six sisters will pay the price for your duplicity.” Here the Efreetah laughed. It was a nice, evil laugh, reminiscent of the one used by the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Efreetah was quite proud of it. Starfish seemed unimpressed and, instead of covering in fear, simply favored the Efreetah with a large, warm grin.
The Efreetah cursed in an unknown language, folded her arms, nodded her head, and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.
