Linda's poetry ( feedback please)

[linda_banner]

Hello,
My name is Linda.
I've been writing since grammar school.
I like receiving feedback both positive and negative.
Feel free to just tell me what you think.
Poets just like artist need feedback to grow.
That is what makes your work exceptionally good .

When it comes to desire and passion,
These feelings can arouse the ability to write, you never
knew you had. Sexual desire and passion lives with in each and
every last one of us. How you show your feelings, depends entirelyon that person, Well this is how I remember my
dreams, passions, my desires and keep memories alive.
Enough of my babbling , ENJOY!!!!!








Passion
by Linda Banner

Hold me close, look into my eyes
feel my love stream out in sweet honey
take this love on this blissful journey
felling what my body has to give you
and how great my desire is for you
Our bodies moving with the rythm of love
felling the desire from deep inside
hold me close my passionate face I can't hide
bodies flowing together like a raging tide
you keep on striving until my body subsides
I can feel your body begin to shake
and how wonderful the expression on your face
hold me close as our bodies we embrace
I can see that your almost to that special place
filling me up with your lusty seedful grace



Lovemaking
by Linda Banner

I am lossing my mind to night
I have you in my sight , I glow so bright
I can only wonder , looking into your eyes
how you feel , And how you always will
You have me ,take me as you will
I am here for your taking , my legs are shaking
Kiss my lips ever so lightly , my heart is aching
for you to hold me close, come together
in the magical dance of love making



Your with another
by Linda Banner

I woke up in a fearful sweat
Where are you
my dream that I had lost you
what should I do
where should I go
I reach for you
but you are not there
My heart filled with despair
why arn't you here
then I hang my head
just to think of
Your body is with another
your heart here with me
You are my heart
my flame of burning desire
Our love which no other could touch
so true and devine
your kisses is like the finest red wine
touch me and I will shine
But another shines with
your glory devine
She's the one who has your body ,
but I am always on your mind
a river running true devoted only to you



Only you and I
by Linda Banner

My soul entwine with yours,
Were soulmates, god what grace
you hold me in your arms
taking away all my fear
wiping away a single tear
your arms hold me so dear
Hold me closer I hear
I feel the unzipping of my dress
I moan with your sweet cress
run your fingers through my hair
the touch of your love nothing can compare
breath me in share the air
Take me to the place
where only you and I are there

 

[WickedEve]

Hi, Linda!

Welcome to the board. Thanks for sharing all these poems. I hope you stick around for a while. This is a great place to learn and grow as a poet.

I see that you can write a basic poem. But you need more, Linda. You need to write in a way so that readers will say, "This is a linda_banner poem. I recognize her style."

These poems are difficult to distinguish from so many other poems that are on Literotic. You need to get away from the clichés and find a new way to say things. And you need to offer the reader images that are fresh, instead of rehashing the same old ones. (And watch out for typos. )

Words and phrases used in one of your poems that you should try to replace when possible:

Hold me close, look into my eyes
feel my love stream out in sweet honey
take this love on this blissful journey
<typo>felling</typo> what my body has to give you
and how great my desire is for you
Our bodies moving with the <typo>rythm</typo> of love
<typo>felling</typo> the desire from deep inside
hold me close my passionate face I can't hide
bodies flowing together like a raging tide
you keep on striving until my body subsides
I can feel your body begin to shake
and how wonderful the expression on your face
hold me close as our bodies we embrace
I can see that your almost to that special place
filling me up with your lusty (seedful grace?) I'm not sure this works.

I'm not saying you should never use these words or phrases. But they should be used in moderation.

Just remember, many of us started out writing this way when we first arrived here. And we're still learning and improving.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Reviews Of Linda Banner's Poems

Hi Linda,

Thanks for sharing your poems! I encourage everyone to continue writing, and to take feedback (yes, even mine!) with a grain of salt. The important thing is if you enjoy writing poetry, to try and continue to find your own voice.

I also try and not read others reviews before I post my own, so W.E. may have already addressed some of these points.

Overall, the first thing is the spelling and grammar. Spell check on your word processing program should sift out most of these errors, but I get the feeling that you wrote these poems directly into the thread box instead of working on them first. But "felling" and "lossing" instead of "feeling" and "losing" really make the poems look bad, in my opinion. And a grammar mistake in the title "Your with another" is really something that I think you should have noticed. Perhaps running them by a friend for editing might help.

Your rhyme scheme seems random at times, too.

"how you feel , And how you always will
You have me ,take me as you will"
Unless you pull it off very cleverly, using the same word to rhyme with the same word sounds bad to me. But don't worry too much, "popular" artist Eminiem did the same thing:
"I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?"
If that's what he really says, I just think it's a clumsy rhyme.
On the other hand, Q-Tip does it cleverly on the Beastie Boys song "Get It Together" by commenting on the second line rhyme in the third line of this verse:
"Eat the fuckin' pineapple Now & Laters
Listen to me now, don't listen to me later
Fuck it, 'cause I know I didn't make it fuckin' rhyme for real
But, yo, technically I'm as hard as steel"
My point is that if you're going to use rhymes, you may want to pay attention to the pattern that you're rhyming ("A B A B" ect.) and if you're using the same rhymes or words too much.

"Kiss my lips ever so lightly , my heart is aching
for you to hold me close, come together
in the magical dance of love making"
I liked these lines, but...

"filling me up with your lusty seedful grace"
Sounds bad to me.

Anyway, that's my feedback! Keep writing, but watch those typos!

 

[linda_banner]

thank you for your replys

Hold me close, look into my eyes
feel my love stream out in honey
take this love on this splendid journey
feeling what my body has to give you
Our bodies moving with the rhythm of love

Feeling the fire from deep inside
hold me close my passionate face I can't hide
bodies flowing together like a raging tide
you keep on striving until my body subsides

I can feel your body begin to shake
and how wonderful the expression on your face
hold me close as our bodies we embrace
I can see that your almost to that special place
filling me up with your lustful grace.

< needs feedback>why wouldn't this work ? >