zex95966
Lover
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2005
- Posts
- 107
This is also first time I've let anyone read my work
I don't mind criticism (i'm also an actor in real life, so I hear it all the time) but it should be constructive... If it sucks, please tell me why.
about the story: It's a bit odd because it's about a plant but nothing has happened yet in the story - so even if your not into it... I don't think it will be to much of a problem.
Here you go:
_________________________________________________________
Ariel woke up in a cold sweat.
She had a dream, but couldn't remember any of it. She realized she was in her bed and that she had somehow managed to sleep till noon.
Fortunately she was not working today – she had the next four days off. Her reward for working one week straight she supposed. She hated her job, she had thought that by the time she reached her current age of 22 that she would have been a famous successful model by now. Others told her that 22 was still plenty young to reach her goal, but she was very ambitious and figured that her determination would have made her rich by now.
She didn't want to get up. The only reason she knew it to be noontime was because she kept her alarm clock right beside her bed, the day outside was overcast, gloomy, and threatened to rain any minute. She had no choice but to get up though, she lived alone thanks to her parents providing her with her own home. She supposed others considered her family wealthy, she didn't argue that she was better off than most, but she never thought of herself as “Rich.”
She finally took her eyes off the unremarkable ceiling and climbed out of bed. Once she was up she headed to the bathroom with baby blue walls and looked at her reflection in the mirror. A girl with purple eyes, blonde hair, and white but healthy looking skin looked back at her. She was in her pink pajamas and her hair was in disarray from having just woken up. She turned the shower faucet on and once the shower was nice and hot, removed her clothes and stepped in.
Twenty minutes later she was out and feeling much more refreshed, but lonely. She lived alone and usually preferred the solitude, but today she felt lonely. living alone also meant that she had to take care of the place. Since fall had just begun the leaves in the driveway needed to be removed and the plant needed to be taken care of.
She never liked plants since to her they just meant extra work but this plant was... different. She had found it in the forest of shadows, and though she knew she wasn't supposed to be there, she couldn't help but cut a sapling off the mysterious but strangely beautiful flower. She had been tending it for about a month now and it was becoming rather large. Currently it was as tall as she was which was a little over 5 feet tall.
No one knew about it other than her, which made it exciting, but dangerous. No one was supposed to go into the forest of shadows. It's said evil magic and creatures dwell there. In fact it was her job to keep people away from the forest of shadows... which was why she was up there in the first place. She had seen a man who was deep in the forest, and when she tried to follow him she lost track of him and found this strange flower.
She had it hidden behind her large garden that Katie tended. Katie was her gardener and fortunately she doubted Katie would ever find the plant behind the greenhouse, because behind the greenhouse the mountains began which gave the illusion that there was not much space between the greenhouse and the rock behind it.
Once she finished the last of her chores several hours later at which time Katie would not be tending the garden, she headed to the plant for her last chore.
As expected, Katie was nowhere in sight. Good Ariel thought, besides being from the forest of shadows, for some reason she felt she wanted privacy when she was around the plant.
As Katie sneaked to the back of the greenhouse the familiar smell of the flower eased into her lungs. It had a sort of moist, warm smell to it and gave her a sense of... calm happiness. She bent to pick up the watering can, and started to water the unusual plant.
The plant moved.
She had seen it move before, so it didn't frighten her. It usually moved when she watered it, or took out small weeds around it, seeming to respond when she took care of it.
The movement was not quick nor did it alarm her, it seemed simply like it was settling into it's new home. It roots would seem to sink deeper, and it seemed to... sigh, as if in content.
She had the strongest feeling of wanting to camp out here with it. She shook her head at the notion, it was crazy to want something so... ludicrous. After making sure nothing else was needed with the large flower, she headed home.
The vines seemed to cradle her as if they didn't want her to leave, they didn't actually touch her but she was starting to change her mind about not sleeping out here with the plant.
What harm could it do? It would only be for the night. The more she thought about it the more intrigued she was by the idea.
She snuggled up against the base of the flower, and in no time at all, fell into a deep sleep.
I don't mind criticism (i'm also an actor in real life, so I hear it all the time) but it should be constructive... If it sucks, please tell me why.
about the story: It's a bit odd because it's about a plant but nothing has happened yet in the story - so even if your not into it... I don't think it will be to much of a problem.
Here you go:
_________________________________________________________
Ariel woke up in a cold sweat.
She had a dream, but couldn't remember any of it. She realized she was in her bed and that she had somehow managed to sleep till noon.
Fortunately she was not working today – she had the next four days off. Her reward for working one week straight she supposed. She hated her job, she had thought that by the time she reached her current age of 22 that she would have been a famous successful model by now. Others told her that 22 was still plenty young to reach her goal, but she was very ambitious and figured that her determination would have made her rich by now.
She didn't want to get up. The only reason she knew it to be noontime was because she kept her alarm clock right beside her bed, the day outside was overcast, gloomy, and threatened to rain any minute. She had no choice but to get up though, she lived alone thanks to her parents providing her with her own home. She supposed others considered her family wealthy, she didn't argue that she was better off than most, but she never thought of herself as “Rich.”
She finally took her eyes off the unremarkable ceiling and climbed out of bed. Once she was up she headed to the bathroom with baby blue walls and looked at her reflection in the mirror. A girl with purple eyes, blonde hair, and white but healthy looking skin looked back at her. She was in her pink pajamas and her hair was in disarray from having just woken up. She turned the shower faucet on and once the shower was nice and hot, removed her clothes and stepped in.
Twenty minutes later she was out and feeling much more refreshed, but lonely. She lived alone and usually preferred the solitude, but today she felt lonely. living alone also meant that she had to take care of the place. Since fall had just begun the leaves in the driveway needed to be removed and the plant needed to be taken care of.
She never liked plants since to her they just meant extra work but this plant was... different. She had found it in the forest of shadows, and though she knew she wasn't supposed to be there, she couldn't help but cut a sapling off the mysterious but strangely beautiful flower. She had been tending it for about a month now and it was becoming rather large. Currently it was as tall as she was which was a little over 5 feet tall.
No one knew about it other than her, which made it exciting, but dangerous. No one was supposed to go into the forest of shadows. It's said evil magic and creatures dwell there. In fact it was her job to keep people away from the forest of shadows... which was why she was up there in the first place. She had seen a man who was deep in the forest, and when she tried to follow him she lost track of him and found this strange flower.
She had it hidden behind her large garden that Katie tended. Katie was her gardener and fortunately she doubted Katie would ever find the plant behind the greenhouse, because behind the greenhouse the mountains began which gave the illusion that there was not much space between the greenhouse and the rock behind it.
Once she finished the last of her chores several hours later at which time Katie would not be tending the garden, she headed to the plant for her last chore.
As expected, Katie was nowhere in sight. Good Ariel thought, besides being from the forest of shadows, for some reason she felt she wanted privacy when she was around the plant.
As Katie sneaked to the back of the greenhouse the familiar smell of the flower eased into her lungs. It had a sort of moist, warm smell to it and gave her a sense of... calm happiness. She bent to pick up the watering can, and started to water the unusual plant.
The plant moved.
She had seen it move before, so it didn't frighten her. It usually moved when she watered it, or took out small weeds around it, seeming to respond when she took care of it.
The movement was not quick nor did it alarm her, it seemed simply like it was settling into it's new home. It roots would seem to sink deeper, and it seemed to... sigh, as if in content.
She had the strongest feeling of wanting to camp out here with it. She shook her head at the notion, it was crazy to want something so... ludicrous. After making sure nothing else was needed with the large flower, she headed home.
The vines seemed to cradle her as if they didn't want her to leave, they didn't actually touch her but she was starting to change her mind about not sleeping out here with the plant.
What harm could it do? It would only be for the night. The more she thought about it the more intrigued she was by the idea.
She snuggled up against the base of the flower, and in no time at all, fell into a deep sleep.
) but a few things popped out at me. There were spots where you really needed commas, while others were comma splices where you should have used a full stop.
