lifestyle choices

[spankableBelle]

Okay, so, you're married with two young children. You have a mortgage, bills, job, extended family, commitments, etc..*****, basically. Somewhere along the way, you change...or maybe you just find yourself, or a part of yourself. Fast forward a few years down the road, and you're beginning to choke. People know you aren't happy. You know you aren't happy.

It's time to make that choice. You opened up that can of worms once again by coming out of the perpetual closet of lifestyle choices and changes and this time the top of that can has been popped off and can't be re-sealed.

The questions come...'Do you consider yourself cheating?' Are you running from something deeper?' 'Is this a lifestyle choice that you are making or are you interested and wanting to be dominanted because you feel weak?'

Yes, i consider it cheating. Yes, i'm running from something deeper...inacceptance, non-supportive environments, sadness, feelings of being lost and alone and misunderstood. And, it's a lifestyle choice.

He doesn't understand the lifestyle and you've tried. He said, 'I don't want to change, to be different, to be a dominant, to live differently, to have anything at all to do with it.'

Now the reality in the daylight of what you've said comes with the sunrise. You have two small children, a mortgage, bills, commitments...responsibilities and obligations. And this big glaring admission of 'it's a lifestyle choice' and it's full of questions from every possible quarter...what are you going to do? Where are your kids going to live? How are you going to leave them or take them? Where are you going to live? Just what in the hell are you going to do?

This is my crossroads. This is my reality. This is my come clean. This is my world turned upside down. This is my price for happiness. This is my lifestyle choice and this is my hell and i don't know how i'm going to survive the fires.

belle

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Have you considered therapy?

 

[evesdream]

are you asking whether submissive sexuality might in essence be a way of running away from responsibilities?

Think I remember NemoAlia started a thread along these lines- you might find it in the library.

I'd be interested in what other people have to say about this.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm still sticking with the therapy thing....if you feel like running, the best thing to do is stand perfectly still, and figure out exactly what is causing your urges.

 

[spankableBelle]

i wasn't asking a question at all, really. i know there are others on the board in situations fairly similar, i have spoken to a few of them. my own situation has escalated to the point of no return and i know that others are just starting on this path and others have been here for a while...

i will say that it goes beyond sexual urges though. It wasn't the kink of the lifestyle that drew me in the first place...and not for a long time.

It's just simply my reality and maybe it'll help someone choose a different path, or maybe even quit while they're ahead, or maybe they'll continue on doing as they are. i did and it forced me to face some issues head on. Issues people don't always want to face. i know some that stayed married for years with these feelings locked away and left when the kids were grown. i know some that never left and have been miserable hiding in the closet. It's again, about choices...

The other side of the coin...my spouse deserves happiness too. Is it really for the best if i stay because of my responsibilities even when i'm unhappy, and he's unhappy, and then the kids are unhappy? i don't think so...

But, my post was simply that. And i appreciate the comments. It's a reality some of us face and some of us don't.

Johnny, your suggestion of therapy, yes, it's an option that i have considered.

 

[ethereal~minx]

therapy is important.
I'd say, ask yourself more questions and don't be so hard on yourself.
I was in a similiar situation myself...
I left but not for the lifestyle. and certainly not for a certain person!!!!

it was a soul-searching time for me.

I hope it is for you too Belle. it's not easy and I soooo feel for you.

 

[Desdemona]

belle, I know how hard this decision was for me. Fortunately, I didn't have kids to consider. I made my choice because it was the thing I needed to do in order to be happy and at peace after many years of being unhappy. Take your time. Sort it all out and be clear within yourself when you start down this path. I wish you well.

 

[MissTaken]

Life is about choices and we often are faced with the consequences of making those choices.
Sometimes we choose the lesser of two evils.
Sometimes we think we are choosing the golden ring, only to find out it turns to brass.
Sometimes everything is as wonderful as we had hoped it would be.

How would you know if you didn't try?

BDSM aside.
I was in a loveless marriage and tried to make it work for too long. Ultimately, I left with a two and four year old in tow.

While there have been times when I questioned the decision, I ahve never regretted it.

*hugs belle*

 

[SweetDommes]

Okay, so, you're married with two young children. You have a mortgage, bills, job, extended family, commitments, etc..*****, basically. Somewhere along the way, you change...or maybe you just find yourself, or a part of yourself. Fast forward a few years down the road, and you're beginning to choke. People know you aren't happy. You know you aren't happy.

Fortunately, I've never found myself in this situation, but our boy has, he was in a marriage with a partner whom you could say didn't understand or accept the submissive part of him.

Personally, I know that no person is all one thing, but I don't veiw submission or domince as a "side" it's you. I am dominant, I am extremely passionate about animals, I am polyamorous, I am evil ... these things ARE me ... I must have partners that accept and love these, to not accept and love these is to not accept and love me.

When confronting major cross roads in life, I feel that one needs to seek out the counsel of dear friends, then make their own choice.

Best wishes on your cross roads
Miss Holly

 

[Netzach]

You live once.

Unfortunately. I often wish I got two or three times around, each a chance to find out what would happen if I did some critical thing some other way.

One time around is too precious to remain wondering about the most important issues, the ones at the center of who you are.

 

[Princessintrng]

Choices

It isn't easy to walk away I was married for 14 years to a man who was wonderful, but made me miserable. It wasn't just him, we were both responsible for the marriage falling apart, but when we finaly got divorced we became good friends and he has become a much better father to the girls. It was hard at first, he was furious that I wanted a divorce, but counseling wasn't doing us any good and I reached a point I didn't want to go home after work. I volunteered for all kinds of overtime cause I hated going home. I find now, when I get off work I can't wait to get home.

I hope things work out for you and if you choose to go the therapy route, make sure you are comfortable with the therapist you choose. Good luck

 

[wolf2002]

I don;t see any reason why you should need therapy, Belle. Her thread proves that you have things worked out pretty well... I makes perfect sense to me that during your marriage you have found out that you are wired differently, that you crave this lifestyle that your partner can;t give, or is insensitive to. I have learned that it happens all the time. The BDSM community is full of people who are not perfectly happy in their current life, but also of people who have at one point in their life taken the decision and stepped out of their life to embrace their BDSM needs...

I guess you have come to a point at which you are ready to take the decision, but are still worried about the practical consequences. Understandable, cause they are very severe. Your kids, your financial situation etc. But I am sure there is a solution to all that. Perhaps you could do with some advice from woman who took the same decision and are on their own now. I am sure they can tell you how they manage to be on theirselves...

A very brave post, my dear friend...


Wolf

 

[Netzach]

Therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Therapy (WITH THE RIGHT THERAPIST FOR YOU --I can't emphasize ehis aspect enough) can be a great way to handle any kind of serious life transition or change, can be a terrific resource, emotionally.

 

[esclave_PP]

Desdemona said it best. Take your time, weigh your options, and perhaps you can talk to your spouse and see if your spouse could become your Master, I've known women in similar situations to yours where that was a possibility. Something to consider. And yes, therapy helps if you can get a therapist who understands that BDSM relationships aren't necessarily another word for abuse, take it from me, been through several. lol.

 

[cellis]

Belle... no one can walk in your shoes but you.... You and only you know what is right for you.... I do not envy you the decision you feel you need to make...

I raised my son by myself... It was a choice... and the better one in retrospect...

I am not being judgement when I say that is a thin line you walk in one relationship and and not out of the other.... Take care where you step...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Therapy doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Therapy (WITH THE RIGHT THERAPIST FOR YOU --I can't emphasize ehis aspect enough) can be a great way to handle any kind of serious life transition or change, can be a terrific resource, emotionally.

Very true, and the misconception you are sick or out of control if you visit a therapist is exactly the uninformed societal stigma which prevents many from seeking support when they need it most. It is the rare person who can approach therapy with a light heart and an absence of guilt brought on by these inaccuracies in determining the purpose and need for therapy. The end result is often that the initial situation was miniscule to where you end up while trying to manage alone and unsupported, unvalidated in your choices. Unfortunately, there are many untrained people more than willing to give a person their thoughts on whether they have made a good or bad move, which adds to the burden of trying to cope with your reality.

There is nothing sick about admitting you are too close to a problem, too personally involved, to maintain an objective view of it and make the decision which is right for you without support. A good therapist is not one who tells or advises you what to do, but guides you to find the answers which fit you and your life best, and provides you with resources to use in making those decisions. That guidance is managed by asking the right questions at the right times and leaving the person to answer them from their perspective. Often that is all that is needed to find the answer staring them in the face. Is just a way of clearing unwanted clutter and fog in the brain cells and heart when under pressure.

Catalina

 

[wolf2002]

[Therapy] is just a way of clearing unwanted clutter and fog in the brain cells and heart when under pressure.

You’re right, therapists are great. So are lawyers.

My point is that an emotional statement like this deserves a little more reaction than ‘go get professional help’.

IMHO she really could do with some serious advice from board members who have been in the same situation: being tied up (no pun intended!) in a vanilla relation with no hope of change or improvement... the decision to step out and choose the BDSM lifestyle is incredibly difficult, but its one that a lot of people here are being confronted with... how do you do it, how do you cope, how hard is it? I think this thread could do with some answers from people who personally went through it and survived...

Wolf

 

[catalina_francisco]

You’re right, therapists are great. So are lawyers.

My point is that an emotional statement like this deserves a little more reaction than ‘go get professional help’.

IMHO she really could do with some serious advice from board members who have been in the same situation: being tied up (no pun intended!) in a vanilla relation with no hope of change or improvement... the decision to step out and choose the BDSM lifestyle is incredibly difficult, but its one that a lot of people here are being confronted with... how do you do it, how do you cope, how hard is it? I think this thread could do with some answers from people who personally went through it and survived...

Wolf

That is a thought, though each person is different so what works for me may not work for you. Sharing of experiences is good, which is already done in many threads, but I tend to shy away from giving advice as it is too subjective to the people, time, and circumstances to be that simple. Counselling provides a (hopefully) neutral sounding board for your thoughts and plans.

C

 

[Desdemona]

You’re right, therapists are great. So are lawyers.

My point is that an emotional statement like this deserves a little more reaction than ‘go get professional help’.

IMHO she really could do with some serious advice from board members who have been in the same situation: being tied up (no pun intended!) in a vanilla relation with no hope of change or improvement... the decision to step out and choose the BDSM lifestyle is incredibly difficult, but its one that a lot of people here are being confronted with... how do you do it, how do you cope, how hard is it? I think this thread could do with some answers from people who personally went through it and survived...

Wolf

I gave her the best advice I could. Everyone has to make this decision alone. And frankly, as hard as you think it will be, expect to multiply the difficulty by 10. The way I survived was to talk to my friends in real life as well as my friends online. I leaned on them when I needed to support and withdrew when I needed to be alone and think. The only way out is to go through, one step at a time and use whatever coping style you personally find effective.

 

[Lady Emerald]

Hey Belle
As you know I have no answers or advice for you--but that was a courageous post--took some guts and honesty. I wish you well in your decision making

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You’re right, therapists are great. So are lawyers.

My point is that an emotional statement like this deserves a little more reaction than ‘go get professional help’.

IMHO she really could do with some serious advice from board members who have been in the same situation: being tied up (no pun intended!) in a vanilla relation with no hope of change or improvement... the decision to step out and choose the BDSM lifestyle is incredibly difficult, but its one that a lot of people here are being confronted with... how do you do it, how do you cope, how hard is it? I think this thread could do with some answers from people who personally went through it and survived...

Wolf

Well, the first step may be to NOT TAKE A FIRST STEP. Therapy isn't a bad idea, and it is certainly better than acting out based on feeling like you are at a crossroads.

 

[Shadowsdream]

When its over its over..whether the relationship is a marriage, an engagement or a Master/sub Mistress/sub relationship.
I sincerely believe that the concentration needs to focus on ALL of the reasons the relationship no longer works. Remaining in a relationship of ANY kind out of guilt or obligation is a small death to all concerned. Yes the partner can bury her or his head in the sand and just wait for the other to *get over it* but that is a bit self centered and non productive.
I also believe that running without speaking is unfair and leaves the partner with too many unanswered questions and assumptions. Being a martyr never helped anyone neither does being an asshole.
There is no right or wrong answer belle to endings or beginnings. But without living life in joy we die a bit more emotionally each day.
Good luck in what ever decision you eventually come to.

 

[s'lara]

sb ... i just wanted to say i hope you've considered all your options and weighed them against a few things: a) what will be the best decision for your children, b) what will make you happy and c) whether the happiness you are looking for is outside of what you have at home. The decision is pretty personal, but i also know, you and you alone know what is best for you. Getting some professional help is an option, but looking bluntly at what it will mean for your life to change so drastically is a first step.

No, i'm not preaching against change, just advising caution. Sudden discovery/identification of the lifestyle takes your feet out from under you and almost everything else pales in comparison ... even the life you thought was just fine. However, ride out that initial rush if you can ... then re-assess what it will take to make your life work - whether that includes BDSM or not.

Good luck to you sb. i do wish you well.

lara