Lifers

[Keroin]

Are you in a long term relationship? (For the purpose of this discussion I'll say "long term" is anything 5 years and over). Do you see you and your partner(s) as "lifers"?

Why have you stayed together? What have you learned by being with the same person(s) for so long? How have things changed over the years? Etc.

I've been thinking about this lately.

This year will be #13 for L and me. Frankly, I'm shocked. Prior to him, my longest relationship was 3 years. I honestly thought I wasn't cut out for longevity.

I used to hate it when couples who'd been together for a long time would talk about how 'different' it was after 10, 15, 20 years, etc. But I get it now. It is different. That doesn't mean long term is better but it is different. Very.

I am not naive enough to say with certainty that L and me will be together for the rest of our lives, but I will say that I hope and intend for that to happen.

What have I learned?

That the "rush" of new love is fantastic but ultimately fleeting, no matter who you're with. That chasing that feeling over and over is a waste of time and energy. That if you find someone you not only love but genuinely enjoy having as a full time companion can be every bit as fulfilling as the rush.

Arguments and disagreements are not the end of the world or the relationship. As much as I hate conflict, it is a necessary ingredient to successfully live with someone for any length of time. When you've been together long enough, there's a comfort that develops around conflict, (if you let it).

Being with one person does not have to stifle you. (This was something I always feared). In fact, when you reach that level where you know that you each actively support each other, you find a lot more confidence to explore who you are and what you're capable of.

And there's more but I'll let other folks chime in.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'm in pretty much a "lifer" relationship, although I'm not sure that's what we'll get to. I don't like to write things in stone, so I hesitate to say "we WILL" be together forever. I pretty much echo everything you said. Sometimes I'm not sure this is where I want to be, that I'm tying myself down too soon (this is my first actual relationship)...but you know, if it's right it's right and why ruin that just to fulfill some idea that I have to date X people or do X amount of things before "settling down"?

I AM happy. It is different to the rush, but I like what I have

 

[intothewoods]

Weeelllll, I guess since we're probably still considered newlyweds, we don't qualify as lifers just yet.

Congrats on 13 years, Keroin. That's fabulous.

 

[Keroin]

Weeelllll, I guess since we're probably still considered newlyweds, we don't qualify as lifers just yet.

LOL. You're still allowed to weigh in though. I grant you temporary Lifer status.

*waves magic wand*

Congrats on 13 years, Keroin. That's fabulous.

Thanks! Lucky 13. To be honest, this past year has been one of the most difficult and yet, at the same time, the happiest of all for us. I feel more in love now than I did in our first year together - I'm glad we stuck it out.

 

[YourCaptor]

What do you mean the rush is fleeting?

 

[babydollie]

I am most definitely a lifer. 15 years later I can say this..... without the lows the highs are quite so high and the bond not quite so strong.....I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else s ever!

 

[Keroin]

What do you mean the rush is fleeting?

In the big picture? Yep. A few months of SUPER SUPER HOLY COW rush. A year of WOW, I'M SO IN LOVE rush. Maybe another year of This is Awesome. Then it slowly dissipates into real life.

But the initial few months? If that went on indefinitely, no one would get anything done .

 

[intothewoods]

LOL. You're still allowed to weigh in though. I grant you temporary Lifer status.

*waves magic wand*



Thanks! Lucky 13. To be honest, this past year has been one of the most difficult and yet, at the same time, the happiest of all for us. I feel more in love now than I did in our first year together - I'm glad we stuck it out.

Yay, magic!

Maybe I'm a dumbass, but we've dealt with some rather challenging stuff in the last two years (and I don't mean feverish drama stuff that is secretly intoxicating either!), and we've come out swinging. So I feel confident. We work well together -- I think we have the right mix of D/s-kink-alpha male meets strong-willed submissive and healthy partnership. Whatever, we're in a nice lovey dovey place right now, and I'm enjoying it.

As to conflict, we bicker a good bit and I think it's healthy. Or have spirited discussions, whatever you want to call it. I think it works for our personalities. We like to talk shit out. I think it matters how you fight.

As for the rush and all that, it does fade, but I've read that you need a regular dose of it to feel connected to your spouse. Like you sort of bank those endorphin memories, and then revisit them when you're having a quickie ten years later. Eh, I'm not explaining this well. I'll come back when I'm less tired.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

It might seem odd, as I am in the process of divorce (after nearly 10 years of marriage to a guy that has been in my world for 17 years) but I am compelled to share a few thoughts. Being at the end of it, I look back and can see how it evolved and changed and though it wasn't successful in the end, I think I have a grasp on what you mean by "different" after those first 5 years pass.

I am a romantic idealist and a bit of an adrenaline junkie so lusting after the rush is a delicious indulgence, so I would be lying if I said that I don't miss, long for, and persue that feeling at times. But after a long relationship like this one, in reflection, it is not the rush that I miss at all, as that was just one chpater of a much longer book. What I miss is the quiet understanding, the silent conversation (even when it was not so nice), the pillow talk, remembering things for him, what kind of socks he liked, and all of that kind of familiar sharing. I think these are the things that grow in time...and that you do have to grow to appreciate.

When I got married, I was entirely devoted to the idea that it was for life... and I nearly gave my life to meet that goal. I made mistakes, I made choices and so did he. It ended, and it is right that it did. It happened with all of its highs and lows, but it didn't really change who I am in that I would still consider myself a "lifer" in my approach to relationships that I would seek. My devotion to my mate/partner, and thusly the vibrancy of our relationship, would feel unnatural and uncomfortable if I needed an expiration date stamped on it or if it felt at all disposable. I will say that my concepts of monogomy have been challenged through all of this and are evolving but my deep sense of loyalty is an important part of me that I am proud to embrace and utilize in my relationships of love "for life".

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

As to conflict, we bicker a good bit and I think it's healthy. Or have spirited discussions, whatever you want to call it. I think it works for our personalities. We like to talk shit out. I think it matters how you fight.

This is SO true. I rememerber when someone told me... how you fight is so much more important than what you fight about. This has proven itself true time and time again in relationships that I have seen thrive or fail.

 

[Keroin]

As for the rush and all that, it does fade, but I've read that you need a regular dose of it to feel connected to your spouse. Like you sort of bank those endorphin memories, and then revisit them when you're having a quickie ten years later. Eh, I'm not explaining this well. I'll come back when I'm less tired.

Re: rushes. What I've found in our time together is that there are ebbs and flows. There are times when, for whatever reason, one or both partners just can't "be there" in a romantic sense. Maybe it's health, maybe it's stress, maybe it's just a general malaise. But if the relationship is strong those moments pass, you have another rush, another high, another "Yes, this is why we're together!" moment - and these come in varying intensities.

We are in a rush right now. It's awesome but I know it won't last forever. And I'm OK with that.

In my past relationships, it was the ebb times where I would quit. But then, I think I just wasn't meant to be with those people if my desire to stick it out was so low.

 

[satindesire]

As someone whose not quite thirty, I consider my relationship with V a "lifelong" commitment and it's already taken a significant chunk of my adult life being with him. I can see growing old with him, easily. We are extremely compatible, and it continues to grow into even more compatibility as we both learn how to compromise and be flexible for the long-term health of the relationship.

Some people are not willing to bend. They think "Take me as I am or don't take me at all" and I think that's a serious deterrent to LTR's. Of course, not everything about a person can be completely changed, but people are capable of changing and compromising about a surprisingly large amount of "things" and still remain completely true to themselves. Blind arrogant stubbornness isn't a quality many "lifers" have, I think.

That's something I learned through the school of hard knocks. A difficult but very valuable lesson that has directly and very obviously contributed to the high quality of my relationship with him.

Edited to Add: My avatar's hilariosity directly relates to how ridiculously serious I can be in a thread. HAH!

 

[Keroin]

It might seem odd, as I am in the process of divorce (after nearly 10 years of marriage to a guy that has been in my world for 17 years) but I am compelled to share a few thoughts. Being at the end of it, I look back and can see how it evolved and changed and though it wasn't successful in the end, I think I have a grasp on what is "different" 17 years down the road from meeting.

Hey, sorry to hear you're going through this. No matter the reason, it's hard to see something end that's been a part of your life for so long.

Some people are not willing to bend. They think "Take me as I am or don't take me at all" and I think that's a serious deterrent to LTR's. Of course, not everything about a person can be completely changed, but people are capable of changing and compromising about a surprisingly large amount of "things" and still remain completely true to themselves. Blind arrogant stubbornness isn't a quality many "lifers" have, I think.

Yes, bending is important. Also, the realization that just because you're the one bending today, doesn't mean it won't be your partner bending tomorrow. Give and take.

Homburg used to make a comment about successful relationships along the lines of "Find someone who accepts your flaws, then you accept theirs". There is some truth in that. You do have to accept that we are all human and, thus, not perfect. Expectations of perfection are a recipe for disaster. But at the same time, I don't think the "accept me as I am, or not at all" model is helpful for long term happiness. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and ask yourself what's more important, that thing you do that hurts your partner...or your partner?

 

[satindesire]

Yes, bending is important. Also, the realization that just because you're the one bending today, doesn't mean it won't be your partner bending tomorrow. Give and take.

Homburg used to make a comment about successful relationships along the lines of "Find someone who accepts your flaws, then you accept theirs". There is some truth in that. You do have to accept that we are all human and, thus, not perfect. Expectations of perfection are a recipe for disaster. But at the same time, I don't think the "accept me as I am, or not at all" model is helpful for long term happiness. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and ask yourself what's more important, that thing you do that hurts your partner...or your partner?

I completely agree. I think there are some things about a person that are so ingrained and part of that person's core personality that you really cannot realistically expect them to change, and you have to take stock of yourself and be honest, and ask yourself if you can truly live with that "flaw" comfortably. If it'll cause resentment, it'll be the death of the relationship. Someone leaving wet towels on the floor might not ever change, but their partner might be able to live with it. And in another person, leaving wet towels on the floor might be a thoughtless habit that with time and loving patience, can be "trained" out. Although I hate using that word because that's just so dehumanizing. One person's habit might be another person's personality trait.

Many people aren't self-aware enough to understand the difference between changeable and unchangeable. I think if we were all better at seeing those differences in not only ourselves, but other people, many more relationships would be successful (in the "lifelong" sense).

 

[FurryFury]

Are you in a long term relationship?

Yes. 19 years so far.

Do you see you and your partner(s) as "lifers"?

Absolutely I do. There are very few things I can think of that would break us up at this point.

Why have you stayed together?

Loyalty, love, and respect.

What have you learned by being with the same person(s) for so long?

When you are allowed, loved, liked, supported and cherished for who you really are, you can give others that back.

How have things changed over the years? Etc.

We know each other even better, trust one another more and when things go wrong thoughtful communication at the right time helps.

FF

 

[rida]

*snip*
This year will be #13 for L and me. Frankly, I'm shocked. Prior to him, my longest relationship was 3 years. I honestly thought I wasn't cut out for longevity.
*snip*

Congratulations on the 13 years!

Hubby and I have been married 15, living together 16 and 17 since we became a couple. The "rush" time was complicated by the fact we where living opposite site of a continent, and that he was still processing his feeling in regard of his divorce.

As to conflict, we bicker a good bit and I think it's healthy. Or have spirited discussions, whatever you want to call it. I think it works for our personalities. We like to talk shit out. I think it matters how you fight.

As for the rush and all that, it does fade, but I've read that you need a regular dose of it to feel connected to your spouse. Like you sort of bank those endorphin memories, and then revisit them when you're having a quickie ten years later. Eh, I'm not explaining this well. I'll come back when I'm less tired.

Totally agree on the "how you fight".
Conflicts are inevitable. What I try hard is to never say anything that I will regret. It does not work all the time 100% but it keeps the truly hurtful things at a minimum.

As for revisiting memories, something that helps me in the darkest days, when I honestly I feel I might be better off on my own than with Hubby, is to remember why I felt in love with him, why I chose to be with him in spite of the difficulties.

I completely agree. I think there are some things about a person that are so ingrained and part of that person's core personality that you really cannot realistically expect them to change, and you have to take stock of yourself and be honest, and ask yourself if you can truly live with that "flaw" comfortably. If it'll cause resentment, it'll be the death of the relationship. Someone leaving wet towels on the floor might not ever change, but their partner might be able to live with it. And in another person, leaving wet towels on the floor might be a thoughtless habit that with time and loving patience, can be "trained" out. Although I hate using that word because that's just so dehumanizing. One person's habit might be another person's personality trait.
*snip*

Absolutely on the bold part.
It is so much easier to tolerate things during the rush of the "in love" phase!
The one and only advise I give all the time if asked about relationship is, when it comes to things that bothers you, to ask yourself if you can live with it in 5 years, in 10, forever. And if the answer is no, than to make sure to express it from the get go. You might not be able to change it and then you'll have to ask yourself if that is ok, but at least you will not explode in 15 years complaining about something that has bothered you forever and the other person has never even suspected.

*snip*
Being with one person does not have to stifle you. (This was something I always feared). In fact, when you reach that level where you know that you each actively support each other, you find a lot more confidence to explore who you are and what you're capable of.

And there's more but I'll let other folks chime in.

Indeed. I could not explore who I am, my outside relationships, the rope world, if I did not have the safe harbor of Hubby to go back to.

 

[rida]

(since I double posted, I'll use this spot for a further answer)

How have things changed over the years? Etc.

They got better in same ways, and stayed the same in other, and got worse in yet others.

Better: we have both totally embraced who we are and are totally 100% confident that the other has our back/will stay with us no matter what. And there is nobody else that understand us as well as us.

Same: the things that drove me crazy at the beginning, are still the same. I've learned to accept them and live with them.

Worse: his bipolar.

 

[Kurokami]

Well, I'm only recently married, and my wife and I have only been together for four years (almost five) but I can confidently say that we're in it for life. And not just because we have kids on the way.

God knows, neither of us is particularly easy to live with; I have too many damn family issues to count, and she's... insane. And we're both unbearable curmudgeons. But when we're together... we work. We sort of urge each other on, stoke that irritated fire into a full on blaze. We fight almost constantly, but it's more intellectual sparring than fighting. It's fun: I'm working under the theory that we're actually one person, partitioned in two before birth and put on opposite sides of the planet, waiting to find each other. Together, we make a single, healthy person

And aside from all that, I know I'm a better person now than I was before I met her. She's taught me so much, encouraged me to try new things, even instilled a love of music in me. She's good for me, is what I'm saying.

Of course, it's not all good: we've gotten comfortable with each other, and when we do fight for real everything kind of explodes. Case in point: our children were concieved without my knowledge, since I thought she was still on birth control. That was the last huge fight we had, but it's okay now: we're both ecstatic, and we actually laugh about it. In fact, that's what I like most about us, that willingness to laugh at the things that don't matter, and move on.

 

[YourCaptor]

In the big picture? Yep. A few months of SUPER SUPER HOLY COW rush. A year of WOW, I'M SO IN LOVE rush. Maybe another year of This is Awesome. Then it slowly dissipates into real life.

But the initial few months? If that went on indefinitely, no one would get anything done .

Re: rushes. What I've found in our time together is that there are ebbs and flows. There are times when, for whatever reason, one or both partners just can't "be there" in a romantic sense. Maybe it's health, maybe it's stress, maybe it's just a general malaise. But if the relationship is strong those moments pass, you have another rush, another high, another "Yes, this is why we're together!" moment - and these come in varying intensities.

We are in a rush right now. It's awesome but I know it won't last forever. And I'm OK with that.

In my past relationships, it was the ebb times where I would quit. But then, I think I just wasn't meant to be with those people if my desire to stick it out was so low.

Sooo... like that warm felling inside that makes you wanna schmus all day? I had my doctor remove that one.

Naw I think it's often situational dependent. As in (feeling happy + lover^not being annoying = rush) But I've never had a relationship that long, so.

 

[Keroin]

Sooo... like that warm felling inside that makes you wanna schmus all day? I had my doctor remove that one.

Naw I think it's often situational dependent. As in (feeling happy + lover^not being annoying = rush) But I've never had a relationship that long, so.

No, I think there's scientific evidence that shows there is a hormonal thing that happens in the first 9 weeks that differentiates the initial rush from all the others.

ETA: I don't know who Dr. Helen Fisher is so I can't vouch for her credibility but much of what is written in this article regarding love and brain chemistry I have heard or read elsewhere.

 

[midwestyankee]

We met in late 1975. I was coming off a badly failed relationship and I was her first long-term relationship. We married in 1978, so this year we will mark 33 years in our rings.

We spent quite a few years thinking that everything was hunky-dory but it was partly because both of us avoided conflict with a passion. A few years ago I initiated conversations about divorce and over a period of about a year we figured out what changes to make to ourselves and how we run the relationship that we're still together. That was easily the hardest year of my life. Life isn't perfect by any means and we're still working on the relationship. We've had to reconfigure the relationship in order to give it enough oxygen to survive.

What have I learned? That when someone tells you that maintaining a good relationship involves work, it's a bit like someone telling you that eating a 10-pound ice cream sundae requires a spoon. The work is constant and often much harder than you ever imagined. But the pay is terrific.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am in two "for life" relationships.

The first is my marriage. This year will be our 25th anniversary. We dated for 5 years before we got married.

We have stayed together because we are still completely romantically in love with each other. That core undeniable, unending love has kept us together even when life has been difficult.

Staying together has really been easy. We had one rough patch when the kids were first born when I had postpartum depression and he was working 18 hr days and being deployed and TDYs.

But that only lasted a year or so and I knew, we both knew that it was outside forces that were causing our problems. Our love never wavered.

We have moved multiple times with the military, he has been deployed 3 times, and we have bought and sold 4 houses, and are raising 2 children. Lots of stress but lots of fun, too.

We are both very easy going. We compromise. We indulge each other's outside interests, including joining in with those interests. We are both positive thinkers who are happy with ourselves. We make our marriage our number 1 priority. We have fun in our lives.

We rarely fight. When we do it is more out of frustration with things outside our relationship and we are screaming at each other just to release tension. Unless we are totally exhausted we try to end every fight with make-up sex.

For the most part we have just one on-going unsolvable argument. It was something we fought about the first year we were married and it comes up now and then. Now we both recongnize that we will never agree so we have managed to go on and try to work around that one issue. It's not worth having a fight when there can be no resolution.

We will be together until death do us part.

By other for life relationship is now 6 years old and it is with my Dominant. It is completely different than my marriage in many ways but one very important similarity. We are in love with each other. We are devoted to doing what we need to make the relationship work. It may not last forever as the dynamic it is now but I know I will still be in his life as long as we live.

 

[YourCaptor]

No, I think there's scientific evidence that shows there is a hormonal thing that happens in the first 9 weeks that differentiates the initial rush from all the others.

ETA: I don't know who Dr. Helen Fisher is so I can't vouch for her credibility but much of what is written in this article regarding love and brain chemistry I have heard or read elsewhere.

Yea brain activity wise, love does the same thing as cocaine. However I've seen research on couples that have been together 50+ years and some still show that same activity when they see each other.

If it's not what I described then I don't know what it is. Damn, now I wanna find someone that will do it for me.

 

[Keroin]

Yea brain activity wise, love does the same thing as cocaine. However I've seen research on couples that have been together 50+ years and some still show that same activity when they see each other.

Sure. Of course. The difference between the first few months and fifty years later, however, is that, fifty years later, the experience is less intense and tends to happen in bursts and not 24/7.

If it's not what I described then I don't know what it is. Damn, now I wanna find someone that will do it for me.

I think you did already encounter someone like that. I recall a time when you were quite smitten. She just didn't turn out to be the right gal for you. Unfortunately. (Her loss).

There's more out there. Trust me.

 

[Keroin]

We met in late 1975. I was coming off a badly failed relationship and I was her first long-term relationship. We married in 1978, so this year we will mark 33 years in our rings.

Congrats on 33 years! And I have to know...did you two see Star Wars together?

We spent quite a few years thinking that everything was hunky-dory but it was partly because both of us avoided conflict with a passion. A few years ago I initiated conversations about divorce and over a period of about a year we figured out what changes to make to ourselves and how we run the relationship that we're still together. That was easily the hardest year of my life. Life isn't perfect by any means and we're still working on the relationship. We've had to reconfigure the relationship in order to give it enough oxygen to survive.

What have I learned? That when someone tells you that maintaining a good relationship involves work, it's a bit like someone telling you that eating a 10-pound ice cream sundae requires a spoon. The work is constant and often much harder than you ever imagined. But the pay is terrific.

Oh yes, there is work. Rewarding work but...work. Long term relationships as Ecstatic Sub describes her marriage - where everything is easy and there's hardly ever a disagreement or major problem - those are so rare as to almost be legend.

Work is the litmus test. If you are both prepared to roll up your sleeves and get to it when it's the last thing you want to do, then you're lifers. If one or both of you would rather walk away from, or continue to ignore, the work that needs to be done, (when it becomes obvious it needs to be done), then you're not.

I feel for you Yanks. Good for you for sticking it out.