lewd acts of carnal debauchery

[Rumple Foreskin]

After four chapters of kissing, making out, and blowjobs, the protags in my novel, THE KISS, spend a weekend committing various lewd acts of carnal debauchery in: Ch.05 First Time

Anyone so moved as to check it out and then share their thoughts will be considered for sainthood during the next convocation/crawfish boil at the First Church of the Burning Bush and Discount House of Lickers.

The Right Rev Rumple Foreskin http://bestsmileys.com/religous/1.gif

 

[Guest]

Ooooh. Count me in.

But I'm editing, dang it.

Can I read it tomorrow?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

They'd made love on a regular basis ever since. And while her experience with sex was limited to Johnny, she sensed he was a capable lover. But while still feeling a loving tenderness toward him, she'd begun to wonder what it would be like to make love with someone different, someone big and tall, self-confident, maybe a bit mysterious and, most of all, experienced. Someone like Clay Morgan.

They fucked all the time. Johnny was her entire sexual history. He was okay in bed, and she loved him, but she wanted more. Starting with a man a lot more attractive than Johnny. Plus she wanted a guy with self confidence, mystery, and more experience fucking women. Someone like Clay Morgan.

OKAY. I TOOK ONE OF YOUR PARAGRAPHS AND RE-WROTE IT.

 

[Darkniciad]

They'd made love on a regular basis ever since. And while her experience with sex was limited to Johnny, she sensed he was a capable lover. But while still feeling a loving tenderness toward him, she'd begun to wonder what it would be like to make love with someone different, someone big and tall, self-confident, maybe a bit mysterious and, most of all, experienced. Someone like Clay Morgan.

They fucked all the time. Johnny was her entire sexual history. He was okay in bed, and she loved him, but she wanted more. Starting with a man a lot more attractive than Johnny. Plus she wanted a guy with self confidence, mystery, and more experience fucking women. Someone like Clay Morgan.

OKAY. I TOOK ONE OF YOUR PARAGRAPHS AND RE-WROTE IT.

I'm going to have to give the nod to Rumple's original version here. To be honest, your version is crude and simplistic, conveying nothing of the emotion in her thoughts that go with the sex.

I'll give the full story a read tomorrow, if'n the crik don't rise, Rumple. I'm too bleary-eyed right now to give it the full attention it deserves.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

James, as Dark said, I'm afraid your rre-write would pretty much wreck the character's "smart, somewhat naive, nice girl" persona, but it was a fun read. Glad the original inspired you.

Dark, Sarahh, there's no rush, not at all. I'm just hoping to get a suggestion or two on how to improve that pile of pitiful prose.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'll get to it later today, Rumpy, my friend. I just love the Carnival. Oh, you said Carnal. I'll still read it

 

[MarshAlien]

I think I posted in another thread that I thought the first chapter might have been a bit too slow-paced. It seems to me that this one suffers a little from the opposite problem. She's nervous, they strip, they kiss, and then they screw. And then, oddly, she becomes quite the wit: "Maybe the beast is the best in you." That line, and the rest of the dialogue in that section, struck me as slightly out of character for the girl in the beginning of the chapter (although perhaps not the girl in the earlier chapters).

I thought that the twentieth paragraph was long until I got to the next one. I would really recommend breaking that up into as many as five paragraphs, because the visual on a computer screen is just nothing but solid text. My experience (from my own long paragraphs) is that people will almost lose their place while they're reading.

Finally, I think in parts you're a little "familiar" with your readers. I loved the last line of the chapter, about the "priceless present of an all-encompassing happiness and contentment." I particularly liked the article, "an." I think a lesser writer would have left it out. The second line on the second page, though, left me cold: "They balled, screwed, got it on, maybe even made love, and did so in a variety of positions, including ones she'd only read about before this weekend." I think that this might have worked in dialogue, but in the narrative it comes across as the writer trying to inject himself too much into the story.

Hope these commentsare of some help. It is a good story, and I'm disappointed that this chapter appears to be the last (that's what I got from the intro, anyway).

 

[Guest]

I enjoyed it very much, Mr. Rumply.

I loved the all the different ways you said "he fucked her for hours".

*wriggle*

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I enjoyed it very much, Mr. Rumply.

I loved the all the different ways you said "he fucked her for hours".

*wriggle*

A writer and his thesaurus should not be parted.

Marsh, thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to check on those long paragrapshs. I'm usually pretty good about avoiding them.

In defense of her "beast is the best" line, it occurs during dinner, hours after that initial, nervous beginning.

I don't like leaving readers hanging so I'll probably continue posting. The novel's finished, so all I have to do is format for Lit. I'd just like more input on how to improve the sucker.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Rump
The first story Florence King sold involved a woman who had sex in a diabetic coma. So I appreciate there is a market and audience for anything.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

It's good, Rumpy. Keep going. There are a few minor things I could comment on, but overall, I loved it.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

It's good, Rumpy. Keep going. There are a few minor things I could comment on, but overall, I loved it.

Thanks for checking it out and the thumbs up. Never hesitate to be picky with any of my stuff. I'll be submitting the next chapter tonight -- sorry about that, James.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Rump

Sorry about what?

You wanted suggestions, I gave you suggestions.
If you dont like the suggestions it doesnt invalidate the merit of the suggestions. If I dont like the writing it doesnt mean the world or anyone else shares my viewpoint. I owe you is honesty. Jim

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Rump

Sorry about what?

You wanted suggestions, I gave you suggestions.
If you dont like the suggestions it doesnt invalidate the merit of the suggestions. If I dont like the writing it doesnt mean the world or anyone else shares my viewpoint. I owe you is honesty. Jim

Guess I should have included a or . I've no problem with your comments, James. Besides, anyone familiar with Florence King must know a thing or two.

That line was supposed to be a teasing apology for my posting more of a story you don't care for, but my prose failed to communicate that.

Rumple Foreskin