Let's talk about ... control

[impressive]

I've been pondering this recently, and I've reached the conclusion that all stress stems from the loss of some form of control ... and the need for control is rooted in fear.

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?

Discuss ...

 

[rgraham666]

Control is one of the main reasons I lead a hermit like life.

Once I get involved in the world, especially in an 'official' or 'professional' capacity, I lose almost all control over my life. And the 'officials' and 'professionals' will work very hard to take that control as well.

My favourite writer remarks that the corporate world is an elaborate D/s game. My experience shows he's right.

So I maintain control by keeping a great distance from the world.

 

[impressive]

And what about control of self versus control of others versus control of one's environment ... and the pathology of such?

 

[Guest]

During a crisis, I am rock solid. Car accidents, firemen at the house, student going to hospital in an ambulance, children to emergency room, hospice? - calm.

It is only after, when someone else comes to share the responsibility, that I cave.

My typical way to manage stress is with humor.

That tends to piss off some members of my immediate family.

The things that have caused the most stress in my life have been situations where I have had no control of the outcome. Where nothing I could do would make a difference. Situations where I've had to rely completely on someone else for the well being of myself or my family.

That makes me very uncomfortable.

 

[cloudy]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)

Not that I know of. I stress like anyone else, sure, but I'm sort of a chaos surfer: hang on and ride it out, because it will calm eventually.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?

yes, big time. Like Sarah, in a crisis, I'm solid and steady. I only let my own control go after the crisis is over.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?

Always have. Very few get close at all, but that's my whole self-protection thing kicking in.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?

I don't think so. My response is to push them further away. It's my way of controlling things, I suppose. For instance, in a romantic relationship, if I sense you're backing up, then I'll back you away even further, "controlling" my level of hurt, I guess.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?

Some impulses, sure, others...not so much. I think the control issue that bother me the most right now is that so much of what I do, even day to day, is determined by someone else.

Most of the time, though, my life feels pretty much out of my control, but I'm used to that, I guess, and it doesn't bother me the way it used to. I tend to be pretty resilient.

I think you're right, though. Control is at the core of so many things.

 

[rgraham666]

And what about control of self versus control of others versus control of one's environment ... and the pathology of such?

Control of myself is the most important thing for me. Having lost control of my mind once, that's not surprising.

Control of others isn't very important. Because for the most part people aren't that important to me. If I need another to do something I ask. Either they do or I end up doing it myself. I can't force them, and wouldn't if I could.

Control of my environment isn't important either. If something in it needs changing and it's within my ability, I change it. If not, I don't stress over it.

 

[impressive]

yes, big time. Like Sarah, in a crisis, I'm solid and steady. I only let my own control go after the crisis is over.

Me, three.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another?
Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life?

Probably, yes, yes, not really, yes.

"What control issues give you the most stress?"

Seeing people around me making mistakes or engaging in destructive behavior and not being able to see that.

 

[carsonshepherd]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? - Not to the extreme. I try to keep things on an even keel. I am a very self-controlled person, becauseI struggle with anxiety, and if I let it get out of control, then my whole life begins to fall apart. I've learned to self-talk my way through situations that make me anxious and force myself to do them. If I can just control my anxiety, then everything else is okay.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis? Yes, because I have to be strong for the people around me who can't, like my mother.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort? I don't really have that boundary in my personal life. I let people know me as much as they want to.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning? No. I don't exert power over others. I can only control myself and what I do.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress? There was a time when my life was totally out of my control, because my ex-partner was controlling me with his anger. It feels so good to get my own life back, that my only control issue is when someone else tries to control me. I am grateful every day that in my relationship that I have now, that isn't an issue.

As far as things like food and alcohol, I got control of those things when I cut out my toxic relationship. I was using those things as an emotional crutch and I don't need that now. I'm healthier than I've been in years. I've never done drugs or smoked. I've never wanted to and I think it's because I have no desire to lose control over what I take into my body.

Controlling others is bad. Control over myself and my own life is good.

 

[Misty_Morning]

I've been pondering this recently, and I've reached the conclusion that all stress stems from the loss of some form of control ... and the need for control is rooted in fear.

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?

Discuss ...

I consider myself a control freak, at least in regards to my own life. When things go according to MY plan, I am one happy camper. I tend to be somewhat anal rententive when it comes to organization and planning. When I am working or dealing with others of the same mindset there is no problem. If things don't go according to plan, the last thing I want to do is try to gain satisfaction by controlling another person or persons.

When younger I was an extremely confident woman and in control, or so thats what others saw. If I had any doubts I wasn't going to let them show.

Unfortunately, some people who are not confident in themselves tend to seek out folks like me, and desire to possess them. That's what happened to me. My ex was drawn to my selfconfidence...later I figured out that he could only gain confidence by controlling me completely. And I became someone totally foreign.

I have only in the last several years been able to recapture the confidence and control that I once had.

But to answer your questions...I tend to be pillar of strength in crisis, at least on the outside. On the inside, I am always questioning my actions and wondering if I could have handled things better. But I never want to reveal this to others that look to me for leadership, they need to find comfort in knowing that someone has got their shit together.

And yes, I have pushed many people away in the last several years when I felt as though they were getting too close. The last thing I want to do is relinquish the control that I have finally regained. Yet, even I can see that this can be selfdestructive. And lately, I am finding myself to be very open and inviting...and what's so fucking bizaar is that I that I have this place and the people I have grown to know and love to thank for it.

As far as pulling folks closer when I feel that my control over them is waning...never gonna happen. I never want to control others. I want every person I meet to grow and fly gracefully on their own wings. And if I can in anyway assist them, it only makes my confidence grow.

Now as far as controlling my impulses...ya got me there. I tend to spend money to make myself feel better. Which in a way is better than doing the things I used to do, especially drugs. While I may partake in an occasional recreation drug use I don't abuse. Although I may tend to use alcohol too much at times when feeling stressed out.

I think whats so weird is that when I feel out of control, I tend to stop working out, which I have done recently. Folks at work see no difference in my mental attitude, but I sure feel it. I have allowed my situation at work, which IS out of my control to in fact control that aspect of my life.

So...maybe I am not in as much control of my life that I wish to be.

 

[Liar]

Interresting topic.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Yes. And I mean emergency crisis when I say that. I can easily take control over situations. I don't panic. I don't let fear take over and I do what needs to be done. Fast, thorough, efficiently. That's, I've been told, pretty normal behaviour. Adrenaline, survival mechanisms, and all that.

What worries me is that afterwards, I still don't seem to be affected by what happened. It never seems to...catch up with me the way it seems to do with other people, and I never get to process it. I'm a bit afraid that it will come back some day when I least expect it and bite me in the ass. I'll drop a paperclip at work, and end up bawling and hugging my knees behind the Xerox machine.

 

[Guest]

Interresting topic.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Yes. And I mean emergency crisis when I say that. I can easily take control over situations. I don't panic. I don't let fear take over and I do what needs to be done. Fast, thorough, efficiently. That's, I've been told, pretty normal behaviour. Adrenaline, survival mechanisms, and all that.

What worries me is that afterwards, I still don't seem to be affected by what happened. It never seems to...catch up with me the way it seems to do with other people, and I never get to process it. I'm a bit afraid that it will come back some day when I least expect it and bite me in the ass. I'll drop a paperclip at work, and end up bawling and hugging my knees behind the Xerox machine.

You must have an outlet of which you are unaware.

Because I've been in that situation, holding it in for way too long before breaking down.

It isn't pretty.

 

[carsonshepherd]

You must have an outlet of which you are unaware.

Because I've been in that situation, holding it in for way too long before breaking down.

It isn't pretty.

Or maybe you're just less emotional than some people. I think some people just feel less, while other people seem to feel every emotion more intensely. I don't think it's good or bad, just something about your makeup.

My boyfriend feels guilty that he's not as "into" me as he was some of the lovers in his past. I don't think it's a bad thing. I knew him back then, and he sometimes bordered on obsession - I think having some emotional space isn't a bad thing. I think it makes for a healthier relationship, especially since I don't feel smothered. Maybe, Liar, you just don't need the outlet.

 

[SeaCat]

Oh Jesus what a question.

Liar, you and me are much alike.

Normally I am more than just a bit laid back. People have accused me of being lazy.

When the shit hits the fan I take over. I have no problem doing this, hell I have no problem cold cocking you to let you know I'm in control.

I am coldly efficent during a crisis. I use logic, I use my training, I get the job done and stomp whoever gets in my way into a grease stain. (I apologise afterwards.)

I usually do not have a reaction after a crisis.

I thrive on Chaos.

Then again I have been accused of being strange.

Cat

 

[Recidiva]

I have very little control over many things. Particularly challenges like my migraines or my son's autism. For me it's about accepting I'm not in control. The more meaningful challenges that are added to my life, the more I realize that being comfortable in places where I'm not in control, being okay with that, reduces the stress, because judgment of the situation is the first stress factor that can be jettisoned that makes the weight easier to bear.

The more responsibility I take for how I feel about something and how I need to change my thoughts to reduce my stress, the less stressful even very painful events become. I experience the pain directly and worry less about the social stress. So to me, attempting to control contributes to a measure of suffering that I can't afford to indulge in.

I'm very efficient with my energy. Ultimately over a lifetime, not being in control over people has paid off because people will come to me for advice and comfort and expect that I'll be impartial and have their best interests at heart, and not my "agenda" as they can't really detect that I have one otherwise.

There's no such thing as too close for comfort, being close is my comfort.

I exercise control and impulse in moderation. I don't have any major vices that cause me to worry. For me, an impulse is what I just did this week...go out and buy a bunch of books. I'm not particularly a rebel. Headaches and autism make me appreciate silence and a moment of peace. I don't need to splurge much further than that.

 

[Liar]

Maybe, Liar, you just don't need the outlet.

Maybe you got a point there. I've also never been in that kind of love that people write Hallmark poetry about or do crazy things for. I also can't say that that gets me down.


Which goes quite well with another aspect of control: Control of oneself thru life. I don't have it. I slip and slide, let whatever's most convenient at the moment be my desicion, and don't work very had to achieve anything. Just hard enough not to look like a failure. I've been asked "Don't you have any goals in life?" and the answer is "What are those good for?". My goal is contentment, and that, I have.

If I have a goal, or rather, a wish, it would be to one day find someone who shares my philosophy, and who won't grow frustrated with it over time - the main reason I'm reoccurringly single.

 

[Sapphire_O]

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Yes. I'm usually the first person to react in an emergency. I think I inherited it from my dad.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
I used to. I've come a long way on that one. After having several people die in one year, I began trying to make real connections with the people who remain in my life.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
I don't want to have control over my man in a relationship. There have been times where I ended up in power & ultimately I did not like it & had to end the relationship. I want the man to be my equal or, more honestly, to be in charge (but not psychotically so).

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
I'm a blurter. I often say what I'm thinking, without measuring how it might affect the person. Some people can handle it, others are hurt. I don't want to be mean. Or "dismissive" as I was called yesterday -- often I don't even realize I'm being critical, I'm just saying what's on my mind. Controlling that is hard.

 

[scheherazade_79]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)
No. I become very untidy - more so than usual.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
I bring an air of calm into the situation and emerge unscathed and with style, along with whoever's with me. When my hotel caught fire, I was the one sitting in a bagel shop, fully-dressed, making phone calls and stuffing my face. I even remembered to bring a packet of cigarettes with me. Other people were shivering on the street in their boxers, and about a dozen got taken to hospital - not for burns, but for crush injuries from pushing and shoving down the main stairwells. I'd gone a slightly different way from everyone else, and was still one of the first out, despite stopping to get dressed and collect my personal belongings.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
I know if I like someone or don't like them, but I'm not that great at being able to tell how emotionally attached to me someone is. So, pass.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
No. I'll make more of an effort if I'm in the doghouse over something - flowers, surprises, dinner, things to cheer them up, but it's not about control. I just don't want them to be mad at me anymoe.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
I allow most of my impulses to run free. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm horny, I give myself an orgasm. Once in a blue moon I'll stick something on a credit card, but only if I'm getting paid a few days later, and will be able to pay it off in full. Otherwise I prefer to save.
Control issues that give me the most stress... When I'm completely and utterly at someone else's mercy, and can't do things for myself. It's hot for short periods of time in the bedroom, but if I'm in a situation where I can't drive off in my car whenever I feel like it, eat what I want whenever I want it, and live my day on my own timetable, I get stressed and sometimes it can drive me to tears.

 

[Adi87]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)
I'm pretty much organized in everything I do so yes.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
I wouldn't say ultra efficient... but more than the usual. I keep my calm and try to get over with it, I think that it is of no use to panic.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
No... because I think of it as a strength rather than a vulnerability.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
No... Because if someone is going away from you, obviously there is either a mistake or a misunderstanding. I'd rather sort it out.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
Most of the time I let my impulses to run free...

Control issues giving more stress? When I don't know where I am wrong.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another?
To some extent. I start making lists to try and get myself back on track and to help ride out the turmoil/chaos/life. I start planning ways to help myself be me again and if all else fails I have a nice bitch about it, scream at the universe and bounce like a ball. And go to friends for support.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Majorly, especially if its an accident or something like that. I flip back to health mode, do the checks take care of everyone, get them where they need to go etc. Then fall to pieces when its over
Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
Sometimes yes, maybe its fear I'll get hurt or just paranoia instilled by my families actions that everyone will turn on you at one point or another. And then there are those I push away for the need to hide myself and not face me if that makes any sense. But with some of the the people who are important in my life, husband and very few friends, I let down all the barriers and let them see me as I am.
Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
No, I don't really see myself being able to control anyone. I might have control over events and things that need to be done but controlling people is not a good area for me. Well outside of an office that is. I rather excel at being a control freak in an office.
Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
I do control my impulses to the point where I walk a tightrope. I watch what I say and how I say it most of the time. (Not so much on here.) I am the main person in our house who knows the finances what needs to be done with it and what can be spent. I spend so much time having to be in control that I crave others to take the control from me. (i.e. bdsm play times are my stress relief.) Sometimes I dont control the eating as much and then I get a nasty reminder why I should so even that is kept on a bit of a tight leash.

Life, well thats complicated. I'm used to drama in my life and I know how to ride it out even if it is unpleasant. You can't always control what gets thrown in your path only how you manage to step over it. Sometimes that just means you need a little break down and a little support and others it means I start making my lists and plans.

And I'm rambling.

 

[christabelll]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another?
That’s when everything falls apart – dishes, laundry, desk… Then after a few days of being mind wiped, I take it all apart and reconstruct my world, usually with different colors, different patterns… ie I change the comforter on my bed, I rearrange my closet, I scour the kitchen. The first day or so are spent with my mind literally streaking through the whys and wherefores, the hows and the ifs and sometimes tears and sometimes white hot anger accompanied by NIN…And no sleep and too much caffeine as the mind races to the ends of the earth and back again. Then a few days from onset – I sleep like the dead, dream in Technicolor epic adventure styles, then awaken with the need to totally cleanse my environs and start over.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
I didn’t know I could be coldly efficient until a bomb threat had me dealing with over a hundred frightened people (my office). I took charge, organized and directed a 5 minutes escape from the 30th floor…After that- its bad I am there dealing, directing, staunching wounds, pep talking, soothing… Then when its all over except the sweeping I find myself a nice quiet corner and a bottle of vodka… Where I can shake and shimmy and cry and rage out everything that affected me that I couldn’t acknowledge in the moment.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
Since no one has ever gotten THAT close to me… Okay… I take it back… there are times that I must have a strategic retreat in the face of emotional sink or swim. As long as I am not the “faulty” one, I don’t. As soon as I am made the problem as it were it’s the great wall of china between me and the accusation.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
Once. What a mistake! So if they are going – I wish them well – then I leave them alone.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
Most of the time….. After shelling out almost 10 grand to the ex this year (to date), I went just a little crazy with my pay check after the courts found that I had not only paid everything I had over paid because not one state had the correct numbers and I was off the hook but good – splurged like I haven’t splurged since 1994 LOL…I’ll have to post pics of what I splurged on LOL…
I am a cream and fat whore LOL… so I try very hard to curb that one… Most the time I do all right, then it is like I have a brain fart and over indulge most of my senses. Luckily that only happens once or twice a year… Small indulgences are nothing…

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another?
Entirely. I have to have Plan A, B, C, etc. I have to know what is possible, and likely, and order priority accordingly.

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?
Always. Putting structure to a situation is what I absolutely live for.

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?
Going on the first question, that rarely happens--but only because emotional closeness is a predetermined and ordered sequence of events. With few exceptions.

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?
No. But I have re-organized them in my life. I've cut people out and off when it stopped being a relationship I could put confidence in. I don't have to control the relationship, if I can trust that it is being considered and treated well and respectfully. If something changes, for irrational or erratic reasons (ones that cannot be corrected), I'll drop it. There have been /many/ instances of that. Even people I've loved very much--people who meant the whole /world/ to me.

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?
I'm pretty good with all my impulses. I'm still a sucker for women and sex. I've made poor decisions based on those things, they're a weakness.

 

[impressive]

Thanks, y'all!

 

[Frank Noir]

I'm currently trying to let go of the illusion of control.

There will always be things that are beyond your control - and I believe stress is caused by a vague realization of this fact.

Go with the flow.

 

[CharleyH]

I've been pondering this recently, and I've reached the conclusion that all stress stems from the loss of some form of control ... and the need for control is rooted in fear.

When faced with change or turmoil in one aspect of your life, do you seek order/organization in another? (Take, for example, a pregnant woman's nesting instinct right before the birth of chaos... erm, baby.)

Do you become ultra efficient during a crisis?

Do you push some people away if they get too emotionally close for comfort?

Do you pull some closer when you sense your influence (control) over them waning?

Do you control your impulses? Eating? Finances? Life? What control issues give you the most stress?

Discuss ...

Intriguing assessment and subsequent questions.

I do believe that the root of stress lies in a loss of control and that the outward show of control belies a greater fear. When my mother was diing (sp), I took right over and plunged into running my parents business. In retrospect, I seemed to have no time to think of anything other than making sure the business ran smoothly. No time for friends, no time for lover or sex, no time to sleep and not enough time in the day to work or to write about my feelings regarding her impending death (I wanted to be alone, but rarely had the opportunity). In fact, I didn't really even have time for my mother (albeit the reasons are much more complex) or even enough time for me really. Simplistically, though, I agree.

Change is something I love so I can't say I would do the same with change in my experience, yet in savage turmoil I do not seek anyone. I take control and am more efficient than I usually ever am. In the case of my mother's death I pushed friends and lovers away and preferred the company of strangers and regular customers who came into the restaurant and when they asked about her, frankly? I loved those moments because that's when my strength during the crisis shined. My mother loved strength and I was doing her proud, in my eyes.

I've had stress since that time, but I can't say I acted in the same manner. There are very few things that stress me out like the death of a loved one.

I can't answer you directly, there are too many mitigating factors, but that's how I reacted under the pressure of death.