Let's play a fun game called: What The Hell Am I?

[Cirrus]

Something, somewhere, went horribly wrong in my development. Could be the fact that I was both physically and emotionally abused as a child, could be just the way I was born, could be any number of things.

I live as a heterosexual female. I LOVE men, and have no desire to, or have I ever entertained the thought of, having ANY sort of intimate relationship with a woman. I'm not even remotely bi-curious. That's the only part I'm sure of.

Now, on to me...all my life, I have somehow identified as mostly male, or worst case scenario, nothing. I was in counseling for a while, and we talked about "gender identity" and my "role as a woman". I don't think I have one. Of either. And I'm actually OK with that.

When I was a kid, I HATED dresses, and would rather dress like the boys. I even wore ties sometimes (good thing it was the 80s and women COULD wear ties). That's attentuated somewhat, and now I dress ambiguosly...as in the clothes I wear could be worn by either a man or a woman without anyone batting an eyelash. Think jeans and t-shirts, denim shirts, tennies, that kind of thing. But to this day, even when I have to dress up, I am NOT wearing a dress or skirt...I wear either a nice pantsuit or a blouse and slacks. My hair is SUPER short by traditional female standards, and I have even been told on several occasions that my mannerisms are masculine as well.

I guess I find dresses and skirts TOO feminine. And I don't like that image for some reason. I identify as a dude, to tell you all the truth. Even when I'd play "pretend" games as a kid, I'd choose a male role and a male name.

When I look in the mirror now, I see a female body. It doesn't disgust me, and I don't overtly WISH for a man's body, but I don't really see my breasts or curved hips and "female"...it's just my body. I'd be just as happy in a man's body I think. When I look at my face, I see a "boy" staring back at me...and it doesn't bother me.

If given the choice to magically wake up male tomorrow, I don't know that I would take it...and I don't know that I wouldn't. Sometimes I honestly do wish I had a penis...but then again I know a lot of "feminine" straight women have thought the same thing, just as a lot of guys I know want to experience what it's like to have a vagina.

The only thing stopping me from saying I am transgendered is the fact that I AM heterosexual and want to have sex with straight men, not gay men, and not have sex with men AS a man...I want to have sex with men as a woman.

So...what the hell am I? Am I just some "degree" of transgendered, simply a woman that happened to identify with a more masculine identity, or something else entirely. I know it's not the best idea to "label" people or place them in categories, but I guess I was just wondering for my OWN curiosity, where on the big spectrum of humanity I would best "fit" if I had to call myself anything, and two, if there's anyone else like me out there.

 

[Etoile]

I'd hypothesize that you're a butch straight woman, and there's nothing wrong with that - and you're also not alone. There are plenty of heterosexual butch women out there. I don't know that I'd call you transgendered exactly, but there's a certain amount of genderfuck going on too (which can be fun!).

 

[Cirrus]

I dunno...I would HAPPILY live a guy, if I could wear a sign on my back all the time that said "Don't let the looks fool you...I'm a girl, and I like boys."

The really weird thing is, I KNOW I look like a guy, and that is how I choose to look. But there was one time I was in a store and I wanted to try some clothes on. I took them to the fitting room (which wasn't for both genders...they were in the same area but the men's section was on one side and the women's on the other), and the clerk looked at me, snickered, looked at her coworker who also snickered, and the first clerk looked at me and said "what side are we going on?"

Something about that really pissed me off...I guess I expect everyone to know that even though I LOOK like I a guy, it should also be somehow patently obvious that I'm not one. *shrug*

Oh, and looking at my chest wouldn't help...I'm small breasted anyway, and tend to wear baggy clothes. I also think at the time of that incident I had a winter coat on.

 

[Etoile]

You explicitly say you're a female and want to be seen as such, though, which is what leads me to the conclusion that you're not really transgender so much as genderfucking. You might want to check out some of these resources just the same, though.

http://www.butch-femme.com/ (especially the Butch section of the forum)
http://dmoz.org/Society/Transgendered/Feminism/
http://dmoz.org/Society/Gay,_Lesbian,_and_Bisexual/Lesbian/Butch-Femme/
http://www.irawrites.com/ShortEssays/AmericasFemaleButchHeteros.htm (a derogatory article, the guy seems pretty small-minded)
http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0319/taormino.php ("The Queer Heterosexual" by Tristan Taormino from the Village Voice)

 

[WhisperHaven]

On the other hand...

Why the need to put a label on yourself?

You are who you are and you sound like you're comfortable with who you are, you just seem uncomfortable with not having a label.

No disrespect intended here. You should be proud that you have so much chutzpah about who you are, what you will and will not wear, and how you present yourself.

I wish I had that kind of self esteem.

 

[BlueSugar]

You feel and sometimes look to yourself as aesexual thats my word for feelings like that. (Something my friends and I use anyway.)

I maybe wrong, infact, I'm probably wrong, but if you don't like "strong catagorization" words such as butch, ( don't get me wrong, I love the word and sometimes to make conversation and life easier these labels are helpful, infact I love most of them and they should all be reclaimed from idiot society. ) or don't feel that you fully feel butch, maybe look into the aesexual societies... I don't have any helpful links like Etoile has, but its a thought

aaand I was going to say something else, but it totally escaped me just now. oh wait, ok.

So you can look into the mirror and see a body that has human female characteristics but not feel female. You sometimes/most of the time see a man's face stairing back at you. You feel masculine and somtimes act the same way. Skirts are too fem, (do you wear boxer briefs or any other clothing that sterotypical women -so to say- dont usually wear?) And sexual appetite is for men.... "manly" men or slightly more feminine men?
I'm only asking/restating bc I'm a psych major and I think too much, and also to talk about it can help you think better...
Sterotypically...
actually thats a women associated mechanism for thought-
To talk, women talk things out... men go in a corner and come to a conclusion to "fix" or to decide upon things. Have conversations with women often concering their thoughts and or concerns and they'll usually contradict themselves, they are thinking. ((Its in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus... odd series of books, but I had to use them in papers and thesus' I had to write for cultural, gender, and psychology studies that I do.))

I feel that you want to identify with something bc you feel like you are lost, but you aren't lost, you are not alone and you are loved

 

[Etoile]

You feel and sometimes look to yourself as aesexual thats my word for feelings like that. (Something my friends and I use anyway.)

Actually, "asexual" is almost universally defined as "Lacking interest in or desire for sex."

 

[BlueSugar]

"Lacking interest in or desire for sex."

I know, but going by how she feels about how she looks etc, my friends and I have met many people like this, and thats the term we've used to get it strait in each others minds, we understand that we're not correct entirely.

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please please... go to the general board, or look up in "where has bluesugar posted" and find my McDonalds thread, I'm doing research and I don't want to post the thread in every forum bc that is annoying. Thank you for your time

 

[Netzach]

I dunno what you are, either, but I relate to a lot of it. I have run the gamut of gender-presentation and I don't hate skirts and makeup as much as you, they are just...drag.

I don't really feel especially male or female when asked about things like "my role as a woman" the very phrase makes me draw a blank.

I'm bisexual, definitely, but I don't see that as intrinsically a part of it. You're not alone, definitely.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

You might be a homesexual man trapped in a woman's body; a line Madonna used once and one I find fits me half the time as I am not very girly.

Not to mention I am strongly attracted by bi men.

 

[Etoile]

I came across this while reading Meryl Cohn's book "Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior's Guide to Gay & Lesbian Etiquette" and was reminded of this thread.

Butchness, however, is clearly not just a lesbian phenomenon; some straight women clearly have the B-gene without benefit of the means of expressing it in an L-relationship. Who, for example, is more butch than Katharine Hepburn? (Or even Jane Fonda, who Ms. Behavior suspects packs quite the metaphorical bulge beneath that aerobics leotard?) It's just that when straight women are butch, it is usually called something else.

She leaves out, of course, what that something else might be. I'm not terribly fond of Ms. Behavior, but I thought I'd report this.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Hmmm...thanks for the interesting subject. I ID as Bi, period. Though i like looking girlish (and could not look any other way...i am way too busty and hippy) I think, act and carry myself in everyday life as an alpha male would. For me, it is just a part of what makes me ME and I enjoy that aspect of myself. Like you, i prefer to wear jeans, tennis shoes, boots, tees.
I think the only difference is i know i am bisexual and it makes all those disparate things about me easier to relate to others. To me, you don't sound any different then alot of girls i know...both homo- and heterosexual. The fact that you are content with yourself and seem to know yourself intimately speaks very well for you. Why worry about labeling yourself? (But if you choose to...Etoile's first label sounds like just the one for you!!)

later
a pet