Let me know what you think of this "idea"

SheDevilShay

Really Experienced
Joined
Jul 30, 2007
Posts
269
I Realize this story is in its "roughest" form still.. I have someone editing it and will having the finished copy next tuesday. so put your red pen's away... I just want to know if you like this "idea".. I am really really into subway molestations and naughty stuff like that, so this is a particular fantasy of mine..... I really really love the cool device series (#11) where rina is molested on the subway... her pink hair and slutty outfit is just to much... :)

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I was dressed unusually that day. Black flip flops with sparkles on them, no socks, no bra. I was wearing a pair of black lace g string panties. I had on a strapless silvery tube top and a knee length flowing black skirt that would flutter when I walked, it had silver flowers embroidered at the hem and along the seam and waist line. It had been a long day at the beach and my shoulders were pink from the sun. I had my light golden brown hair pulled back into a casual messy ponytail. I had on just a pale pink lip gloss, and a pair of dark navy blue sunglasses that hid my chocolate brown eyes. I am sort of medium height I guess, standing in around five foot five… but I had really broad shoulders for my size and a tapered waist and bigger hips, though I haven’t had children yet. I slung a silver and black purse back pack casually over my shoulder. It held my wallet, sun screen, lip gloss, house keys my birth control pills and some odd change.
I had to pick between the bus and the subway to get home that day. It was a tough choice for me; it felt hot and sticky out. Sweat dripped down between my breasts. There was a slight breeze and my nipples had gotten hard against my shirt. I pushed the button on the crosswalk and waited impatiently for the light to change. I refused to jaywalk so my choice was made for me. The bus left without me. I watched it drive away full of people. So crowded I was actually glad I missed it. I supposed the subway would have to do. I sighed, and made my way back towards the beach where the subway entrance was at.

I walked down the stairs of the terminal, my nails clicked on the handrail that I slid against. The subway terminal appeared to be fairly empty. It was hot and humid down here in the terminal. I paid for my ticket, and decided to sit on the bench so I could wait on train 18 to come take me south.
I noticed a couple of scraggly teenage boys, probably ages 18 to 22 or around there… eyeing me from across the terminal. Saggy pants, torn wife beaters, jewelry in their eyebrows nose and lips. Tattoo’s on their shoulders. Ratty sneakers with no socks, big belts, attached chains to the belt loops that held their wallet in place in their back pockets completed their look. Grungy and unorganized, but they didn’t look dirty. I decided its better not to stare at them and lectured myself on the polite society rules of minding my own business. I pretended to ignore them and sort of read the subway train schedule in my hand.
I heard a slight jingle and looked up. I saw the taller of the two boys as he stood leaning over me.
“Hey what’s your name cutie?” I stared at him. He was little older up close then I originally had thought. Early twenties maybe, and he was a little sexier to boot. “Err, I am Grace” I replied to him hesitantly. I peeked past his arm and watched as the other man-boy sauntered up behind him, flicking a lighter open and shut with his fingers. He was toying with it, and I felt nervous about the situation.
I nervously glanced at the clock, indication that the train would be here any minute and I heard the tracks clicking as it was coming down the tunnel to stop. I jumped up and ran over to the loading dock, scuffed my shoes and stubbed my big toe on my right foot in the process. The train came to a screeching halt in front of me, and ironically enough, no one got off. I quickly climbed in and sat down in the far corner furthest away from the door. And I realized there was no one else on the train except a homeless guy sleeping with a paper over his face on one of the train benches.
The 2 boys I had tried to avoid sauntered onto the train and smiled at me in the corner. It sent shivers down my spine as I looked back at them. “Shit” I thought to myself. There was something very evil in their faces that I didn’t trust. The tall blonde one sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee. I would have jumped up, but the black haired one who was a couple inches shorter stood directly in front of me and blocked me from getting up and moving away.
“Grace” he whispered my name in my ear and I felt his tongue as it slid up my ear. I shivered, and I felt my pussy grow wet. I felt seriously confused as to what was going on. “STOP, don’t touch me, I didn’t do anything to you, go away and leave me alone” I begged him, but obviously not very convincingly for he laughed. The black haired boy reached out and grabbed my tube top and yanked it down. I let out a small shriek and tried to jump sideways and slammed into the wall. I had cornered myself in my own stupidity. They both laughed at me. The blonde on reached underneath my skirt and I felt his fingers skim my inner thigh. I attempted to clench my legs together, but with my breasts hanging out, they weren’t going to take me seriously.
“My name is Joe.” The black hair told me what to call him. He shoved my legs apart and my skirt up over my knee’s to rest on my thighs. He situated himself between me so I couldn’t close my legs shut as he had them blocked with his thighs. The blonde haired one, who later told me his name was Guy, slid his hand to touch my G string. He tugged on it and I felt it slip off my vaginal lips baring myself to him. I flushed red in embarrassment and just sat there, head hung low, breasts bared and heaving, legs quivering and my pussy growing wetter by the minute.
I jerked when he slid a finger against my wet lips and smiled at me. “Very nice Grace, you’re so wet already!” Guy murmured in my ear as he licked my neck and throat. Joe had a breast in each hand and fondled me. He plucked at my nipples and tugged on my small bits of chest. “She’d look nice with a tattoo on her breasts, don’t you think Guy?” I peeked at Guy from beneath my lashes as he peered at my chest in speculation. “Nah, Joe I think I like her little boobies plain. They are so virginal like.” Joe laughed and gave a hard tug on my left breast and I moaned out loud.
Joe reached down and tugged my skirt up to my waist. “Oh my god Guy, she’s soaked the seat, what did you do to her?” I wished I could die right that minute from embarrassment. This was just not really happening I had tried to tell myself. Guy reached down with Joe watching and slowly slid a slick finger into my hole. I arched up pressing my breasts into Joe’s hands as he cupped me. Guy started massaging my clit with his thumb as his finger slowly slid in and out of my throbbing moisture.
“Damn she’s a real piece of work; I don’t think I can wait much longer to fuck her.” Joe stated as he stared at my dripping wet pussy, and reached down to fumble with his zipper and release his cock from his pants. I stared at him as I nearly climaxed on Guy’s fingers. It was a thick purple thing, ugly, but with protruding veins that stuck out in uneven lines over his penis. It looked huge and I felt scared, I so was not ready for any of this to be actually happening, but I also realized I hadn’t attempted to fight them all that hard. I wondered if I really wanted them to do this, and why I liked it so much.
“Touch me Grace; wrap your hand around my cock.” Joe grabbed my hands and yanked me up off the seat; he pulled me to my knees in front of him and wrapped my hand around my cock. I felt my skirt get lifted from behind as Guy settled behind me. I felt him pull my g string to the side of my ass as he stuck wet fingers against my hole. I shuddered as he leaned down and begin to lick my asshole right there in the train. I lost control, I jerked on Joe’s cock and shoved him into my mouth as Guy got my ass and pussy all wet with his tongue.
“Dude, she’s good, I think I might blow my load in her mouth.” I felt Joe surge into my mouth as he groaned his statement. Guy stopped and glanced up at him. “Don’t waste your stuff yet, I’m not ready yet. Tell me which you prefer this time, the front of the backside?” Joe yanked my head back and pulled his dick out of my mouth. “The front I think.” Guy nodded and helped me stand up. Joe leaned until he was sitting sprawled out with his cock jutting out on the train bench seat. Guy softly swatted my bottom and told me to go mount Joe’s cock.
I stared at it nervously and slowly walked the few inches until I was leaning over him. I put a knee on either side of his thigh and slowly lowered myself onto his jutting cock. He slid slowly into my wet hole and he yanked me forward and down on him. I cried out loud as he filled me. I was so tight and he was so big… He slowly started pumping in and out of me, and I felt guy come stand behind me. I was losing my mind in the sensation of Joe being inside me, in a train, of all places.
Guy spread my cheeks as I slid up and down on Joe’s penis. I felt his hard tip poking my sensitive hole from behind and slowly inching himself inside me. I felt myself ejaculate and cream Joe’s thighs. “SHIT MAN SHES A GUSHER.” He groaned as he picked up the pace and fucked me harder. Guy was now thrusting into me from behind and I felt them both rubbing me from each side simultaneously.
They both pumped into me. Guy grabbed my hips and thrust himself up and into my asshole. I leaned over Joe as he grabbed my breasts and pumped up into my pussy. I felt myself spiraling towards the edge, and almost over. I felt both boys clench their penis’s and surge hard and thick into me at the same time and it set me over the edge. I came screaming, which startled the homeless guy as he jumped up and stared at us, but I was beyond caring at that point. I felt their hot sperm release into my ass and my pussy at the same time. I screamed over and over as they both jerked inside both of my gloriously used tight holes.
The train came lurching to a stop and a group of girls walked in and stopped as they stared at me. My breasts were still exposed, I had a person in each hole, we were all panting and heaving and my skirt was up around my ass….
“Wow what a slut, next time if you’re going to put on a show let us watch Joe!” Joe and Guy greeted their girlfriends and introduced me. I never thought of the subway in the same way after that and routinely tried to find those boys again, but instead had to settle for masturbating while riding home thinking of them and my experience. I did however see the homeless guy on occasion and he always watched me masturbate in the spot where he had seen us have sex. He never approached or bothered me, just watched. I will never forget that fateful day that I rode the train alone and got the fuck of my life.
 
Yeah, I didn't really write a way to expand on it.. I was sort of "done" if that makes sense.. I have a few stories I am working on and want to keep going with ....

I really like the vampire one I started, but its so raw I am nearly emabressed to post it.. it needs A LOT of work....
 
You are going into way too much detail on what the female character looks like. I mean, right down to her underwear and what she's carrying in her purse. That isn't very interesting. If these details are vital to the story, sprinkle them throughout. My bet is that they aren't that important though, and it's better to let the readers imagine how she looks for themselves.

Too many of your sentences start with "I". They're also the same type of sentences and pretty much the same length. Try to change it up a little.

Whenever someone speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Your dialogue is not very believable.

Don't use numerals, write out the words.

Why would this girl tell these guys her name? Why would they tell her their names? I mean, they're going to fuck her without her consent, but they're going to be polite and make sure everybody introduces themselves first? Not very believable.

You make a point of explaining that these guys are over 18 a couple times. Yet, you refer to them as "man-boy" and "boys."

The homeless guy. How do you know he's homeless? People can be dirty, disheveled, tattered, stinky, toothless, or whatever words "homeless" is meant to connote here without, in fact, actually being homeless. By the same token, a homeless person can look just like anyone else. I think you need to find a better way to describe this guy.

Everybody came at the same time? Of course they did. NOT very believable.

At the end you refer to the "fateful day." What was "fateful" about it? How did riding the train alone and getting the "fuck of my life" affect her fate? The only result I could see was that she masturbates on the train now and lets the bum watch.
 
Yeah. TickledKitty is right on. In addition, you plot is terribly thin. Why was she there? What made her take the train. Who are these guys? where did they come from? Why am I supposed to care about her?

This seems flat and contrived. The characters seem like puppets. And I didn't really find this very interesting.

What you need to do is slow down with your writing and start reading. Read a lot. All the best writers are voracious readers. I would suggest you start with Steven King's book on how to write.

I apprecieate you efforts, Shay. But I think you can do a lot better.
 
tickledkitty said:
You are going into way too much detail on what the female character looks like. I mean, right down to her underwear and what she's carrying in her purse. That isn't very interesting. If these details are vital to the story, sprinkle them throughout. My bet is that they aren't that important though, and it's better to let the readers imagine how she looks for themselves.

Too many of your sentences start with "I". They're also the same type of sentences and pretty much the same length. Try to change it up a little.

Whenever someone speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. Your dialogue is not very believable.

Don't use numerals, write out the words.

Why would this girl tell these guys her name? Why would they tell her their names? I mean, they're going to fuck her without her consent, but they're going to be polite and make sure everybody introduces themselves first? Not very believable.

You make a point of explaining that these guys are over 18 a couple times. Yet, you refer to them as "man-boy" and "boys."

The homeless guy. How do you know he's homeless? People can be dirty, disheveled, tattered, stinky, toothless, or whatever words "homeless" is meant to connote here without, in fact, actually being homeless. By the same token, a homeless person can look just like anyone else. I think you need to find a better way to describe this guy.

Everybody came at the same time? Of course they did. NOT very believable.

At the end you refer to the "fateful day." What was "fateful" about it? How did riding the train alone and getting the "fuck of my life" affect her fate? The only result I could see was that she masturbates on the train now and lets the bum watch.



You make a point of explaining that these guys are over 18 a couple times. Yet, you refer to them as "man-boy" and "boys." ----------

The reason I mentioned the things I did (i.e. the birth control pills, their ages, and her age) is because it's a requirement for posting on my writers board so my group doesn't get shut down... everyone has to be "clearly" over the age of consent... (The owner of cafemom.com send me a nice email clearly stating that everything and everyone had to be over the age of 18.. even in our stories.)

(and when I wrote this story it was geared at the mothers I was writing it for and one of the thing s"they" complained about was the idea of unprotected sex, and wanting more detail on the specific charecters)



Everybody came at the same time? Of course they did. NOT very believable. >--- Whats wrong with that? my audience that I was writing this for likes that particular style... (My bdsm works, are not "fluffy" like this piece is, but this piece was meant for a different target audience...)

You are correct on the sentancing structure, which is why its being edited :) because I can't do the technical stuff very well...



Why would this girl tell these guys her name? Why would they tell her their names? I mean, they're going to fuck her without her consent, but they're going to be polite and make sure everybody introduces themselves first? Not very believable.

But... they had her consent... she didn't really try and "stop" them did she? If they hadn't have been polite, it would have been too hardcore and the story wouldn't have flowed (for me at least) the way it did... She felt it was wrong, but she didn't want to stop them...

But if we get into a more serious Sub mindset, it would be to professional for someone who just missed the bus and took the subway on accident...

As for the homeless guy, you are correct, and I will note that (if its not changed when its edited, I will go ahead and change it myself.)

I appreciate the time you took to read it and leave your feed back.. thank you.
 
Sorry, I didn't find you story all that interesting. But, I'm not into rape or non-consent.

Read TK's comments above, I think she about covered everything.
 
drksideofthemoon said:
Sorry, I didn't find you story all that interesting. But, I'm not into rape or non-consent.

Read TK's comments above, I think she about covered everything.

SDS...You've gotten the attention of some of the better critiquers on this board. I have found their feedback to be very useful in the past.

The advice of read, read, read is excellent advice. I wish I had more time to do it. Believe it or not, you DON'T find yourself copying styles, but expanding your horizons on what different styles there are out there.

I agree, having read the story again, that a little more background about the WHY's would be interested. If you read some of the stories on this site, you will see that yours does not really distinguish itself from others. Challenge yourself to think what you can do to make it more unique. To know what's unique, though, you have to know what's out there!!

I liked all the detail about the features, but agree now that I think about it, that sprinkling it throughout the story more subtely would be helpful.

Good luck, keep writing, and try to learn from the experience of the people on this board.
 
This is not erotica - nor is it very well written. Sorry to be so blunt.

First off, you haven't got peaks and troughs, light and shade and you don't spend time making us empathize with the main protagonist.

There is a good story and some good writing lurking there, but you seem too rushed to let it come out. Get some friends to review the draft and review your story based in their comments.
 
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